[granite1]

hi guys

so when I went to my session Tuesday and kind of let her know what was going on in my head and how it has felt like she has been angry with me. she said that she definitely isn't angry at me and never has been. she said that she has been very direct because she sees me causing myself a lot of pain unnecessarily when I comes to my father . I don't think she understands what is going on in my head .it isn't her fault at all it is mine because I have no idea of the right words to say what I feel . this is just who I am . what my part in this family is . that is not easy to change at all.

she also brought up the fact that we just jumped in to talking about trauma without teaching me the skills to make it easier. she brought up a lot of stuff but just listed off some things and didn't spend a lot of time explaining about it. either that or I was avoiding listening to her because the idea of talking about any trauma is at this point inconceivable . I want to but I swear my throat just closes up and thoughts go insane as soon as I even think about it. I have a huge gut reaction when my T even uses the word abuse, trauma, sexual abuse, or torture . I am interested in the emotional regulation skills and so on but I am not sure anything will work. she said she would print out a list if I wanted her to . I never answered her. I wonder if I should call her and leave a message to do that for me for our next session. she talked about moving my body when things start to get out of control. something to redirect my mind ,yoga, walking ETC... i'm going to try something I don't want her to think that I am refusing to do any of the work myself .but I don't know if I will ever be able to talk about it .but maybe...

my T was talking about my farther and the way he treats me and I was trying to get to understand how horrible I was without giving her to much info to end up hating me . I don't know why I felt this was ok to say but I wanted her to understand kind of what my fathers hold over me was. in the end I just said when I went to live with him I was no longer being beat up all the time and I was no longer being sexually abused at all. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth . she has said them quite a bit lately and even earlier in this session .but I usually ignore them because they make me so uncomfortable . I think my T was shocked also. but moved on without missing a step thank god. all she said was that is great but......and continued on with her point . but you should have seen her face .

I know a lot of people here use some of these skills . I just wonder if I am way to resistant to use these and have them do any good

[Freewilled]

I would recommend you ask her for the list. I've found that sometimes I come across like what my T is saying isn't helping me. I don't even literally say that but it must be the way I look or nonverbal communication or something. It tends to cause a lot of tension in the relationship. It's probably because I don't feel understood.....but I do need help. I need those skills, even if I doubt their helpfulness. Even of they aren't going to literally "fix" things for me. Maybe they could help me stay afloat?

My T told me I carry around an "impossible" thing with me. He said its important that neither of us get stuck in that one....

[unaluna]

Maybe its time for a DBT class?

[granite1]

I don't think I could handle the group . it took me 3years to be able to talk to the T I have . I wonder if this is what she is going to try and do with me

Those skills take lots of practice (LOTS and LOTS), so allow yourself to not get it "right" the first (or thirtieth) time. For me, the talking about the history and learning those skills had to happen at the same time. Learning the skills first wouldn't have made any sense to me because I really didn't quite know what to apply them to. And it took time even for my T's to figure out the best skills that would work for me under my particular circumstances and for my personal way of reacting to working on my history.

I do think you T has a very good idea what is going on in your head because whether you say the words or not, the end result of what happened to you screams loud and clear. Sometimes our silence speaks louder than words.

[AmysJourney]

Granite - I am sorry about all this you're going through. I know, I really know, how hard it is.
You know, I do believe that in a way, yes - you are resisting. The question is, why are you resisting? There may be different reasons... perhaps it's all just too much in your head, perhaps you feel it's too painful, perhaps you're afraid of being judged, perhaps you're afraid to let go, perhaps you need - for a while longer - to feel the concern of your T.
Or perhaps it's all at once.

I remember, when I was in that situation, that I needed the concern of the person who asked me. (about 10 years ago) By not telling her (and in my mind I made a thousand excuses why I can't) I kept her concerned, I kept her pushing me, I kept her asking me. I kept her close. I realized later that THAT was the reason I didn't talk. Somewhere in my mind I thought well, if I tell her then she will tell me how to help myself, she will give me advice and will want me to work on this - and eventually the concern and care would stop. It was the fear of losing that care and concern and love, that prevented me from talking. Because for me, I knew that I wanted to lose the hold my abusers had over me - but I wanted to keep the hold that my procrastination caused on the person. It was very manipulative. I know, now, 10 years later that sounds just awful! But I realized when I talked to other people, that I was not so unusual, that I was not the only one who was like this.
I found, that actually speaking out loud about my trauma, the abuse, the torture it made it weaker, it broke the chains between me and my abusers. And surprisingly, something I could never imagine AT ALL before, the feeling of relief was so overwhelming, so good, so freeing - that I didn't mind so much that the attention I received before talking had faded into a genuine balanced concern and friendship.

I am not saying this is the same with you - but I am saying, if you can find out the reasons for your resistance, then it might be a chance to work on it. And can I tell you another little "secret" of mine?
I was in a similar situation where one of my first therapists wanted to send me some material that might help. I didn't want to get it, I thought it wouldn't help, I couldn't imagine anything that would help. Well, the truth was, I didn't want that material because it had the same danger as I was talking about before - it might help me. But I told her no, I resisted vehemently.
Later that day I needed her support, her warmth but I didn't know what to say to her, I didn't have an excuse to call her or email her. So I remembered the material she wanted to send me and I called her and told her to please send it to me because I wanted to be better. And in that conversation I weaved in how bad I felt and I cried. I got what I needed - her telling me comforting things and staying on the phone with me for a little while. God, I felt so bad afterwards because I knew I had used her offer to send me the material to get attention when I had no intention to even look at the material.
But she sent it and eventually I did look at it and it helped me so much.

Again, I am not saying that this is the same with you, at all - your situation might be completely different. I just wanted to make myself a little vulnerable here to show you that we are not always in control of what we feel or don't always know what we want. But when we reach out, when we try to jump our very own dark shadows, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And peace, relief and love.

Love,
Amelia

[WikidPissah]

Hey chickie...

You are amazing, and with practice you will be able to use skills. I use a few that I learned in that residential program that are life savers for me. Yoga would be good too. Or you can download guided meditation mp3's to do in your craft room too.

[HazelGirl]

Granite, things don't have to stay this way. I know any good future and any real change seems impossible and destined for failure, but you can eventually get through this. You will eventually get stronger and you will be able to do this. *Hugs* Hang in there.

[sweepy62]

im so sorry, my t goes over coping skills and makes sure i have them down packed, also i let her know , those words you mentioned up there, i was not ready to handle, the only word i use in therapy is trauma, and for now that is the only word she uses, she says eventually we will work on writing and saying those words, but she knows I am no where near there, and she does not want to cause unecessary stress to the relationship.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

hi guys

so when I went to my session Tuesday and kind of let her know what was going on in my head and how it has felt like she has been angry with me. she said that she definitely isn't angry at me and never has been. she said that she has been very direct because she sees me causing myself a lot of pain unnecessarily when I comes to my father . I don't think she understands what is going on in my head .it isn't her fault at all it is mine because I have no idea of the right words to say what I feel . this is just who I am . what my part in this family is . that is not easy to change at all.

she also brought up the fact that we just jumped in to talking about trauma without teaching me the skills to make it easier. she brought up a lot of stuff but just listed off some things and didn't spend a lot of time explaining about it. either that or I was avoiding listening to her because the idea of talking about any trauma is at this point inconceivable . I want to but I swear my throat just closes up and thoughts go insane as soon as I even think about it. I have a huge gut reaction when my T even uses the word abuse, trauma, sexual abuse, or torture . I am interested in the emotional regulation skills and so on but I am not sure anything will work. she said she would print out a list if I wanted her to . I never answered her. I wonder if I should call her and leave a message to do that for me for our next session. she talked about moving my body when things start to get out of control. something to redirect my mind ,yoga, walking ETC... i'm going to try something I don't want her to think that I am refusing to do any of the work myself .but I don't know if I will ever be able to talk about it .but maybe...

my T was talking about my farther and the way he treats me and I was trying to get to understand how horrible I was without giving her to much info to end up hating me . I don't know why I felt this was ok to say but I wanted her to understand kind of what my fathers hold over me was. in the end I just said when I went to live with him I was no longer being beat up all the time and I was no longer being sexually abused at all. I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth . she has said them quite a bit lately and even earlier in this session .but I usually ignore them because they make me so uncomfortable . I think my T was shocked also. but moved on without missing a step thank god. all she said was that is great but......and continued on with her point . but you should have seen her face .

I know a lot of people here use some of these skills . I just wonder if I am way to resistant to use these and have them do any good

In response to the bold:
1: She won't hate you, granite. The little things you told me are NOT YOUR FAULT. She will understand that, believe me.
2: I think you should leave her a message asking for a list of simple things you can do when you are feeling out of control, that way you have a concrete something to look at when you are at home or out and about that you can do. I understand how your emotions take over and no logical thought can come through.

I am really proud of your session, and i am SO GLAD you told her what you were thinking about her being angry!!!! She explained that she never has been, and that she was just being direct--which is what i thought maybe she was doing.

Also, just because you stopped getting beat up/sexually abused when you moved to your father's does not mean the abuse stopped. Nor does it mean that all of a sudden you were like "Hey! I'm not being tortured! I'm happy! Lets act like a normal kid!" because you weren't unfortunately, due to the awful awful stuff you went through. Of course you were going to act out. It makes 100% sense to me.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Those skills take lots of practice (LOTS and LOTS), so allow yourself to not get it "right" the first (or thirtieth) time. For me, the talking about the history and learning those skills had to happen at the same time.

I do think you T has a very good idea what is going on in your head because whether you say the words or not, the end result of what happened to you screams loud and clear. Sometimes our silence speaks louder than words.

yes yes yes!!!!