[MH-Sakura]

I believe this is the best place to put this. Alright, so after i had gotten up from a nap, my mom called me in and was really worried about me. She said that both my counselor and a psychiatrist said that i should be in hospital so i wouldn't kill myself. The problem is I haven't said anything that should provoke such a response. Mainly what i said to my counselor today was that I was worried that i had bpd, i had heard voices in the past, and i couldn't really care if i died or not. I guess the last one could've caused the reaction i saw today. But honestly I've felt that my entire life, so what I'm really asking is how could i go about stopping these misunderstandings between my counselor and myself? This isn't the first time it's happened either.

[HazelGirl]

Hmm...that's terrible. Your counselor didn't ask more questions to clarify? It sounds like she/he isn't really getting you or understanding what you're saying.

[MH-Sakura]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Hmm...that's terrible. Your counselor didn't ask more questions to clarify? It sounds like she/he isn't really getting you or understanding what you're saying.

Not that I can remember, no. It was a crazy meeting, cause I hadn't come in for my music practical exam, so he didn't like me missing that.

[nottrustin]

This probably sounds like a stupid question are you an adult??

[MH-Sakura]

No I'm 15 right now

[shabur]

I've been seriously suicidal off and on so many times. Most of those times my tdoc wanted me to go to the hospital, but I refused, even saying I would take off if she tried anything. I would usually sign a "contract" with her stating that I agreed not to do anything for the next week and each week I would sign a new contract.

One day, during a session I was so set on ending it; I really could not see myself going on. It hurt too much. My tdoc told me she didn't care what I thought, she was calling an ambulance, I didn't have it in me to fight it and I was hospitalized.

Now I see my tdoc and pdoc once a week. My pdoc always asks if I am suicidal and my standard reply is/was "no". One day the guilt got to me and I sent her an email saying "while I don't believe I am suicidal, I think about it often". Her response was thinking and acting are 2 different things and I should always feel safe telling her...and I do.

Right before I was hospitalized I had "all my affairs in order", had paid off all my bills, completed an advance directive, updated my will and written letters to my siblings and niece and nephews. I was ready to leave this world.

To this day I still think about it, but I have't taken any action.

I would suggest you talk to your p/tdoc about why you feel the way you do and whether there is intent. Either way keep talking to your docs.

[MH-Sakura]

Ah my counselor made me sign a contract too. I honestly didn't see why he thought that would stop me killing myself. I'm just scared of being hospitalised. I don't want to be at all. and if I want to die I should be allowed to. Well I've been close to killing myself a few times but not recently. I get what you mean though. I guess there is intent on my suicidal thoughts a lot of the time. Right now I don't want to kill myself but if I died I wouldn't be sad.

[shabur]

I know what you mean about the contract. I always knew that piece of paper wasn't going to stop me. What was she going to do? Sue me for breach of contract? But what I did think was I respect this woman and appreciate that she cares about me so I really worked at holding out at least until my next session.

When I was telling my pdoc I wasn't suicidal it was because I didn't want to go back into the hospital and I did NOT want ECT treatments again. However, I will say that while I didn't want to be hospitalized and never want to again, in the end it was the best thing for me. I was scared and felt alone. I didn't want to be there, but it kept me safe, got me on the right meds and I found a new pdoc that I really connected with. My old pdoc would hand me a script every time I told her something was going wrong. My current pdoc talks it through with me.

Shortly after I was released I was re-hospitalized for a medical condition which required large doses of a strong pain med. One day the nurse walked in and said she had my next dose. She put it into my IV and almost immediately I became, what I'll call, pleasantly tired. I laid back and I was out. I woke up later that night in the ICU with nurses and doctors all over me and the room. I also woke up with a back spasm. I remember trying to move to stop the spasm and being told "You can't move. What's wrong?" Later, as I became more conscience, I was told I had received an overdose of my pain med.

After being released, I often thought to myself, that would have been a great way to go...just closing my eyes and falling asleep.

If your docs think you should be hospitalized you should at lease talk to them about it. It may be what's best for you. Find out what will happen. Find out what your days will look like. How long do they anticipate your stay. I know how much you don't want to do it, but it may be what's best for you. In a structured environment, they can figure out your meds and what treatment is best for you.

Please give it serious thought.