[Yearning0723]

HUGE trigger warning here...a lot of traumatic memories here. You've been warned.

So apparently talking about trauma stuff with new T yesterday and the day before really triggered something in me...all the memories are coming back now, everything I completely forgot had happened. All the violent stuff and all the scary stuff and all the stuff that wasn't violent or scary but just confusing and unpredictable and didn't make any sense, like one time when I was eight and we were staying overnight at a hotel and I was sharing a bed with my brother and for some reason my mother became convinced that I was taking up more than half the bed (my brother didn't care, but for some reason she thought I was taking up way too much space) and she made me sleep on the floor of the hotel room instead of in the bed.

Or other times when she used to hold me down when I was having a fit, and one time she ripped my shirt literally in half when she was trying to wrestle me into my room, and that shirt was one of my favorites - my grandmother brought it for me from Florida and it was all sparkly and it said, "There's always room for ice cream!" Or how one time when I was about nine or ten, after we'd had a huge fight and she'd restrained me and sat on me for a really long time and my back was hurting a lot and I was just feeling miserable and I came out of my room and went to the washroom and started stuffing cotton balls in my nose, and she came into the washroom and asked me what I was doing, and I said I was trying to kill myself (okay, I was nine or ten), and I remember this so clearly - she sat down on the toilet seat and she laughed and she told me to go ahead.

And stuff that I'd been trying so hard not to think about regarding my father - he was never a violent guy, he never tried to hurt me, but sometimes I would be trying to tell him something about anxiety and he wouldn't be listening so I would stand in front of the door so he wouldn't be able to get up and leave, which he always wanted to do, and he would grab my arm or something to try to maneuver me out of his way, and I would just go ballistic and start pushing him away from me because I couldn't stand being touched like that.

And then he would hold me down just like my mom used to and I would be hitting and kicking and biting and trying to get him off me because it just scared me so much and made me so angry to be in a position of physical helplessness, and those fights weren't even abuse because I started them and I definitely gave as good as I got - I was just a really awful kid, and I can understand why the adults around me always wanted to hurt me, and that's why I always think it was my fault, because I hurt them sometimes too, and if I told this stuff to new T, she would definitely revise her "it's not your fault" mantra...I've never told this stuff to anyone before, and I'm terrified to tell it to her, because she'll realize what a terrible kid I was and that I deserved it.

All of this stuff is just coming back to me and I can't deal with it. If this is what trauma work is like - and this is only the tip of the iceberg! and only the fourth week! - I can't do it. I am feeling so, so out of control.

[ThisWayOut]

That all sounds very overwhelming... is your t available between sessions? Or does she recommend a crisis line? I know with my own stuff, t warned me that other stuff may come up and gave me the center's crisis number in case. Processing stuff like that can be really difficult... i would also suggest talking to your t about the fears of her seeing you differently. I still talk to my t about that, because sometimes I get scared that she will agree everything was my own fault... hang in there and know that you can choose to back off from anything and start talking about easier things at any time (even if it's just to say what you had for dinner, or if you will be doing anything special over the weekend). I've found (for me) that opening the door to things brings on a bunch of stuff that I then also need to address. It becomes very urgent to tell t, so I leave her a message. Most of the time, I will also writes it out in a blog that only she and I have access to. Then we either make an earlier session, or talk about it the following week (depending on my sense of urgency). I also ask just about every other week if she thinks I'm awful and deserved everything. So far, she has been really patient and kind in reminding me that her opinion of me has not changed and she will never think it was all my fault (even when I'm convinced she should). I hope your t is also supportive and that you can move in whatever direction you need to go.

[Fermata]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

HUGE trigger warning here...a lot of traumatic memories here. You've been warned.

So apparently talking about trauma stuff with new T yesterday and the day before really triggered something in me...all the memories are coming back now, everything I completely forgot had happened. All the violent stuff and all the scary stuff and all the stuff that wasn't violent or scary but just confusing and unpredictable and didn't make any sense, like one time when I was eight and we were staying overnight at a hotel and I was sharing a bed with my brother and for some reason my mother became convinced that I was taking up more than half the bed (my brother didn't care, but for some reason she thought I was taking up way too much space) and she made me sleep on the floor of the hotel room instead of in the bed.

Or other times when she used to hold me down when I was having a fit, and one time she ripped my shirt literally in half when she was trying to wrestle me into my room, and that shirt was one of my favorites - my grandmother brought it for me from Florida and it was all sparkly and it said, "There's always room for ice cream!" Or how one time when I was about nine or ten, after we'd had a huge fight and she'd restrained me and sat on me for a really long time and my back was hurting a lot and I was just feeling miserable and I came out of my room and went to the washroom and started stuffing cotton balls in my nose, and she came into the washroom and asked me what I was doing, and I said I was trying to kill myself (okay, I was nine or ten), and I remember this so clearly - she sat down on the toilet seat and she laughed and she told me to go ahead.

And stuff that I'd been trying so hard not to think about regarding my father - he was never a violent guy, he never tried to hurt me, but sometimes I would be trying to tell him something about anxiety and he wouldn't be listening so I would stand in front of the door so he wouldn't be able to get up and leave, which he always wanted to do, and he would grab my arm or something to try to maneuver me out of his way, and I would just go ballistic and start pushing him away from me because I couldn't stand being touched like that.

And then he would hold me down just like my mom used to and I would be hitting and kicking and biting and trying to get him off me because it just scared me so much and made me so angry to be in a position of physical helplessness, and those fights weren't even abuse because I started them and I definitely gave as good as I got - I was just a really awful kid, and I can understand why the adults around me always wanted to hurt me, and that's why I always think it was my fault, because I hurt them sometimes too, and if I told this stuff to new T, she would definitely revise her "it's not your fault" mantra...I've never told this stuff to anyone before, and I'm terrified to tell it to her, because she'll realize what a terrible kid I was and that I deserved it.

All of this stuff is just coming back to me and I can't deal with it. If this is what trauma work is like - and this is only the tip of the iceberg! and only the fourth week! - I can't do it. I am feeling so, so out of control.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Can you have a warm cup of tea to calm yourself down? I think you definitely need to talk to your T about the memories you described above -- you will drive yourself crazy if you try to manage them all on your own. You have made a good start by posting about your painful childhood memories here.

I think for the most part, therapy is painful. It is easy to forget that the healing comes only after you've confronted your pain. That pain can be intensely blinding at times, so I hope you can be brave and continue working through it with your T.

[HazelGirl]

Aww, I am so sorry. That happens when you start talking about traumatic things. You sort of overdid it during your last few sessions, and this sounds like the side effect from that. Just hang in there, because although it will get worse for a while, it will start improving after a time. I know this is brutally hard, but it is all things that will come back and hurt you anyway. You're just in more control as to when it comes up when you're in therapy.

[elliemay]

5 sights, 5 sounds, 5 seconds. This is a grounding exercise. Close your eyes and count to 5. Visualize the numbers in your head.

Then open your eyes and look around. Name 5 things you see around you. Do this slowly and with breathing.

Then open your ears and name 5 sounds you hear.

Repeat if you have to.

It's easy to get locked into memories, but those memories are over. You are safe in the now. You just need to realize that you are in it.

5 sights, 5 sounds, 5 seconds.

It helped me a lot. Hope it helps you too.

[Yearning0723]

I think a lot of it is just the shock at this happening so soon...I mean, four weeks in, I don't know if I trust her enough to be this vulnerable and do this work...

Thanks for the suggestions...I might call a crisis line if I need it, even though I'm usually not a fan.

[AllyIsHopeful]

OH MY GOSH! None of this is your fault at all! I don't care HOW bad you were as a child, the way they handled it was out of line and emotionally damaging! I seriously doubt your Therapist would change her view on the situation AT ALL. Please don't put any of the blame on yourself.

Not to mention...every troubled child who has issues with acting out, acts in such a way for a reason. Whether it is lack of attention, validation, a response to emotional abuse, gaslighting, etc.

I'm sorry these thoughts are racing back. This just happened to me Friday and it feels awful.

[Yearning0723]

Well, I guess it might be a stretch to say I deserved it, since they had the choice to be the bigger person - but so did I, and I definitely provoked it. I did some really crazy things as a kid that if I hadn't done wouldn't have resulted in being hurt. Like this one time I wanted to talk to my father about something (probably something anxiety related, since it usually was) and he was really not responding well - he was just repeating everything I said back to me in a really mocking tone, and then he was like, "Okay, I'm going back to work, bye." And I was like, "No, you're not going to work; you're going to listen to me."

So I stood in front of the door and I wouldn't move no matter how many times he told me to, so he grabbed my wrist to try to pull me away and he was holding it really tightly, so tightly it left bruises later, and I wanted him to let go of me so I bit him. And that was not a good response, obviously, and if I hadn't been standing in front of the door it wouldn't have happened to begin with. And in that specific case he walked out the door and I followed him, and I guess whatever it was about was so huge to me that I went out and sat on top of the car, and he started the car anyway and starting backing it up and forth really quickly so I would fall off.

I mean, I was a really erratic kid. The anxiety was just insane. Normal kids don't act like that. If I got hurt, most of the time I'd done something to elicit that response.

I always felt really guilty and ashamed when I reacted violently to him, but that never stopped me from doing it...

So, you are feeling out of control now kind of like that kid way back then. See the connection? Keep working on this in therapy. Yes, it is difficult, but you are NOT that kid anymore and you DO have the ability to work through this now that you didn't have then. It isn't easy. Any of us who have been through this stage can attest to that. But it won't kill you either, and in the long run, you'll finally have some peace with this eventually as those memories start losing their power when they are exposed in the light.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Well, I guess it might be a stretch to say I deserved it, since they had the choice to be the bigger person - but so did I, and I definitely provoked it. I did some really crazy things as a kid that if I hadn't done wouldn't have resulted in being hurt. Like this one time I wanted to talk to my father about something (probably something anxiety related, since it usually was) and he was really not responding well - he was just repeating everything I said back to me in a really mocking tone, and then he was like, "Okay, I'm going back to work, bye." And I was like, "No, you're not going to work; you're going to listen to me."

So I stood in front of the door and I wouldn't move no matter how many times he told me to, so he grabbed my wrist to try to pull me away and he was holding it really tightly, so tightly it left bruises later, and I wanted him to let go of me so I bit him. And that was not a good response, obviously, and if I hadn't been standing in front of the door it wouldn't have happened to begin with. And in that specific case he walked out the door and I followed him, and I guess whatever it was about was so huge to me that I went out and sat on top of the car, and he started the car anyway and starting backing it up and forth really quickly so I would fall off.

I mean, I was a really erratic kid. The anxiety was just insane. Normal kids don't act like that. If I got hurt, most of the time I'd done something to elicit that response.

I always felt really guilty and ashamed when I reacted violently to him, but that never stopped me from doing it...

But do you realize that you were a kid and it is a parental responsibility to take care of their child, ESPECIALLY when erratic behavior exists? I mean depression, anxiety, bipolar, and I'm sure others could most definitely exist in children. Any of these things could have been the cause for this behavior and it was their duty to get you help! To let a doctor know, ask for advice, read a parenting book, something, ANYTHING.....Y

This makes me sad for you because I know the feeling! I blamed myself for many of the things I experienced and thought it was because I was awful and unbearable and deserved all of it. Now, when I look back at it, I remember being extremely quiet, full of anxiety and worries, insecure, etc. and I went through a period of resenting my caretakers for NOT getting me help...I should have been in therapy for a good amount of time as a child. No one was upfront and honest about my situation to my doctors.

And to think I could be a completely different adult today and in therapy for maintenance rather than trying to fix 20 years worth of damage...it is infuriating at times, but it is what it is.

So no, it is still not your fault and nothing you say will make me think you deserved any of that treatment.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

But do you realize that you were a kid and it is a parental responsibility to take care of their child, ESPECIALLY when erratic behavior exists? I mean depression, anxiety, bipolar, and I'm sure others could most definitely exist in children. Any of these things could have been the cause for this behavior and it was their duty to get you help! To let a doctor know, ask for advice, read a parenting book, something, ANYTHING.....Y

This makes me sad for you because I know the feeling! I blamed myself for many of the things I experienced and thought it was because I was awful and unbearable and deserved all of it. Now, when I look back at it, I remember being extremely quiet, full of anxiety and worries, insecure, etc. and I went through a period of resenting my caretakers for NOT getting me help...I should have been in therapy for a good amount of time as a child. No one was upfront and honest about my situation to my doctors.

And to think I could be a completely different adult today and in therapy for maintenance rather than trying to fix 20 years worth of damage...it is infuriating at times, but it is what it is.

So no, it is still not your fault and nothing you say will make me think you deserved any of that treatment.

I know anxiety was the cause for all of it...but my parents just didn't know how to deal with that, and it wasn't exactly their fault. Most parents wouldn't know how to deal with a kid like that.

[Favorite Jeans]

Kids provoke their parents. It's what they do.

It's the parent's job to try to hear what the child is trying say with their "bad" behaviour.

Maybe you should have said this:

"hey, you know guys, I'm feeling angry at what is inarguably immature and abusive behaviour on your part. I would appreciate if you worked harder to listen to me. Also, I think maybe you'd benefit from therapy and parenting courses because you're not responding to me with the empathy that is every child's due. Can you organize that for yourselves and let me know how you plan to start implementing your new skills? I think seven days is a reasonable deadline."

Why on earth would you not have thought to phrase it that way at 9???

Yearning, it is stuff is painful. You put trigger warnings everywhere so you know that. It's painful because it's abusive. Bratty behaviour doesn't necessitate trigger warnings. You did not ask for or deserve this is any way. Here's an assignment for you: go to a park this summer and watch good parents interacting with their kids. You'll see how they handle being provoked. They don't retaliate against, humiliate or violate their children in the process.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Like this one time I wanted to talk to my father about something . . . and then he was like, "Okay, I'm going back to work, bye." And I was like, "No, you're not going to work; you're going to listen to me."

So I stood in front of the door and I wouldn't move . . . I went out and sat on top of the car, and he started the car anyway and starting backing it up and forth really quickly so I would fall off.

I think about this from the perspective of a parent, and my youngest runs a little higher on the anxious/needy dimension than his siblings. What I try to do for him as a parent-- and I'm not perfect by any means-- in this kind of situation is two things:

1)validate his need to talk, emphasize that talking is great, it helps your problems, and I'm really glad he's willing to share this with me. If I don't have time in the moment he's needing it, I tell him when I will have time-- after work, after school, 4pm that afternoon, whatever. And then I keep my word about it.

This way, he learns that it is okay to need, but it is also tolerable to wait until the other person has time for your needs. It also reduces his anxiety, because he realizes that he can count on himself in the meantime.

2) respect for the other person's "no" (or, more accurately, "not now."). I think that this is intrinsically linked to #1, because it's hard for kids to respect "no" if they are not responded to with empathy and validation. Perhaps your parents had other troubles with setting limits with you, other than putting their hands on you. But with my kid, he doesn't try to block the door or sit on my car in a power struggle to get his needs met, because he knows they will be met later. He has respect for my needs to get to work or whatever, because I respect his needs.

In other words, your parents should have been able to work with you so you never had to put yourself in those dangerous positions just to try to get your needs met. It seems to me that you had very little else, if anything, to do or say to demonstrate what you needed at the time. So you chose the only thing you could. I feel sad for the spunky little girl who was so desperate to simply talk with her parent than she would go to such lengths to try to get it. It really wouldn't have been that hard for your parents to help you tolerate waiting to talk to them, and to teach you that even if they couldn't meet your needs at that moment, they would at the first opportunity.

I think one of the tasks for you, as you heal from this abusive dynamic, is to stay away from re-creating this in your relationships with other people. I wonder if your thing with your former T when you emailed her despite her instructions not to, was replaying this kid-on-the-hood-of-the-car moment. Perhaps it is part of your work to learn to tolerate waiting to get what you need, and to respect that other people have needs as well-- this doesn't make your need wrong-- but that relationships require meeting others' needs (even a therapist's) as well as getting your own met.

[marmaduke]

Well, I guess it might be a stretch to say I deserved it, since they had the choice to be the bigger person - but so did I, and I definitely provoked it. I did some really crazy things as a kid that if I hadn't done wouldn't have resulted in being hurt. Like this one time I wanted to talk to my father about something (probably something anxiety related, since it usually was) and he was really not responding well - he was just repeating everything I said back to me in a really mocking tone, and then he was like, "Okay, I'm going back to work, bye." And I was like, "No, you're not going to work; you're going to listen to me."

It was not your place to be 'The Bigger Person' you were a child.
Your father not responding to you, then mocking you like that, he was wrong not you. No wonder you became frustrated and angry.
My father rarely responded, he would ignore me. One day in frustration I kept repeating the same thing over and over, getting louder. In the end he swung round and belted me on the ear.
Did I provoke that? I suppose so. But why did he always ignore me, like I wasn't there. Its disrespectful, emotionally abusive. If I did that to someone at work or a friend I would soon be in trouble.
So, you are not at fault, parents are there to listen and to 'parent' their children.

My friend was put in care by her mother, she says she was a terrible, terrible child and her mother couldn't cope with her. I have never seen anything about her that is 'terrible'.
I don't think she was terrible at all, I think her mother told her she was to shift the blame from herself (being a crap selfish mother) Her mother did what many selfish people do, blame the victim, scapegoat them.

Your T will not change her mind about it not being your fault. Nothing you have said here makes me blame you at all.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I think about this from the perspective of a parent, and my youngest runs a little higher on the anxious/needy dimension than his siblings. What I try to do for him as a parent-- and I'm not perfect by any means-- in this kind of situation is two things:

1)validate his need to talk, emphasize that talking is great, it helps your problems, and I'm really glad he's willing to share this with me. If I don't have time in the moment he's needing it, I tell him when I will have time-- after work, after school, 4pm that afternoon, whatever. And then I keep my word about it.

This way, he learns that it is okay to need, but it is also tolerable to wait until the other person has time for your needs. It also reduces his anxiety, because he realizes that he can count on himself in the meantime.

2) respect for the other person's "no" (or, more accurately, "not now."). I think that this is intrinsically linked to #1, because it's hard for kids to respect "no" if they are not responded to with empathy and validation. Perhaps your parents had other troubles with setting limits with you, other than putting their hands on you. But with my kid, he doesn't try to block the door or sit on my car in a power struggle to get his needs met, because he knows they will be met later. He has respect for my needs to get to work or whatever, because I respect his needs.

In other words, your parents should have been able to work with you so you never had to put yourself in those dangerous positions just to try to get your needs met. It seems to me that you had very little else, if anything, to do or say to demonstrate what you needed at the time. So you chose the only thing you could. I feel sad for the spunky little girl who was so desperate to simply talk with her parent than she would go to such lengths to try to get it. It really wouldn't have been that hard for your parents to help you tolerate waiting to talk to them, and to teach you that even if they couldn't meet your needs at that moment, they would at the first opportunity.

I think one of the tasks for you, as you heal from this abusive dynamic, is to stay away from re-creating this in your relationships with other people. I wonder if your thing with your former T when you emailed her despite her instructions not to, was replaying this kid-on-the-hood-of-the-car moment. Perhaps it is part of your work to learn to tolerate waiting to get what you need, and to respect that other people have needs as well-- this doesn't make your need wrong-- but that relationships require meeting others' needs (even a therapist's) as well as getting your own met.

In regards to the situation with old T, the issue was that I didn't believe she was going to meet my need if I didn't send that email. I predicted (accurately) that if I brought up what I wanted to bring up with her in session, she would not respond well to it, and I predicted (inaccurately) that she would become less upset about what I needed to tell her if I wrote her an email, or at least that I would avoid the confrontation over that particular topic. Myopic? Yes. Irrational? Yes. But because I didn't believe I would get my need met any other way, I felt like I was doing what I had to do. If I'd trusted that she would be supportive if I had brought that thing up at the next session, I wouldn't have sent that email. But I didn't, so I did.

When I'm secure that my needs will be met eventually, I have significantly less of an issue delaying gratification. It's only when I fear they won't be met at all that I take more drastic measures.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Fermata

I'm so sorry to hear this. Can you have a warm cup of tea to calm yourself down? I think you definitely need to talk to your T about the memories you described above -- you will drive yourself crazy if you try to manage them all on your own. You have made a good start by posting about your painful childhood memories here.

I think for the most part, therapy is painful. It is easy to forget that the healing comes only after you've confronted your pain. That pain can be intensely blinding at times, so I hope you can be brave and continue working through it with your T.

I guess in that case, how do you deal with all the pain therapy is bringing up? I can't talk to anyone in my real life about this - that stuff is supposed to stay in the therapy room (or on PC) but unfortunately it doesn't, and that makes functioning rather difficult. I'm fine with distraction and whatever, but that always just feels like I'm biding my time waiting for my next therapy session, and that's not a good state to perpetually be in...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I guess in that case, how do you deal with all the pain therapy is bringing up? I can't talk to anyone in my real life about this - that stuff is supposed to stay in the therapy room (or on PC) but unfortunately it doesn't, and that makes functioning rather difficult. I'm fine with distraction and whatever, but that always just feels like I'm biding my time waiting for my next therapy session, and that's not a good state to perpetually be in...

She will teach you some good grounding techniques to help. In the meantime, google grounding techniques, and try out a few. I use an app on my smartphone called PTSD Coach that also helps me greatly.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

She will teach you some good grounding techniques to help. In the meantime, google grounding techniques, and try out a few. I use an app on my smartphone called PTSD Coach that also helps me greatly.

That's not exactly what I mean - I guess I can answer my own question and say that what I really need is to learn patience, because when this stuff comes up, I want to deal with it now instead of just letting it sit in my head for a week and not do anything about it. Whereas grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc. are super helpful when your brain is going insane with memories or whatever but doesn't actually resolve them - it's just biding your time so you can function in the meantime before you actually get to do something about them. That's really the issue - not wanting these thoughts to stay in my head, but at the same time, not wanting to just get rid of them, because then they'll continue to manifest themselves in equally problematic ways.

[PeeJay]

Yearning,

My heart is breaking for you ... and for me, because I can relate.

I went through this in therapy recently. Flooding back memories and the sense of things being my fault and reliving things that I had forgotten. ...I almost quit and I lost a lot of sleep and we had to slooooooow the therapy down considerably, just so that I could function in my daily life.

Last year, I told my T that I really hated myself and I confessed all manner of bad behavior that I did as a kid. And T still affirmed that I didn't deserve what happened to me.

She also talked about the brain development of children and I was able to view my own childhood actions with a little bit more sympathy. Of COURSE I wouldn't have had the understanding at age 8 that I had at age 25. Of COURSE I was badly behaved, because all the neighborhood kids were also badly behaved and I wanted to fit in.

I had been holding my younger self to too high of a standard. And I had concluded that I deserved the pain that I got.

When parents are abusive, one of the most insidious things is that they distort everything. EVERYTHING. Right becomes wrong and up becomes down. And what we think is normal really is NOT. Our way of making sense of the world doesn't fit reality.

*healing strength to you*

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

That's not exactly what I mean - I guess I can answer my own question and say that what I really need is to learn patience, because when this stuff comes up, I want to deal with it now instead of just letting it sit in my head for a week and not do anything about it. Whereas grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc. are super helpful when your brain is going insane with memories or whatever but doesn't actually resolve them - it's just biding your time so you can function in the meantime before you actually get to do something about them. That's really the issue - not wanting these thoughts to stay in my head, but at the same time, not wanting to just get rid of them, because then they'll continue to manifest themselves in equally problematic ways.

Well...no one can teach you patience. You just have to practice it. It's difficult and uncomfortable, but hang in there.

[Jolisse]

Therapy can be exhausting, but well worth it.
Bringing all the bad "stuff" to the surface, forces you to deal with it.
I find once I face my "demons", I feel better. No one has had a perfect life and we all have regrets. But we are human and nobody is perfect.
Understanding your feelings and dealing with them, is the first step to recovery.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

That's not exactly what I mean - I guess I can answer my own question and say that what I really need is to learn patience, because when this stuff comes up, I want to deal with it now instead of just letting it sit in my head for a week and not do anything about it. Whereas grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises, etc. are super helpful when your brain is going insane with memories or whatever but doesn't actually resolve them - it's just biding your time so you can function in the meantime before you actually get to do something about them. That's really the issue - not wanting these thoughts to stay in my head, but at the same time, not wanting to just get rid of them, because then they'll continue to manifest themselves in equally problematic ways.

Whether you know it your not, you aren't actually just biding your time. Your brain is working to resolve them. This is why therapy is so hard. It's a transformation, and it doesn't just happen in the therapy room.

If the work is manifesting in problematic ways, then, yes, I do think you need some tricks to help you compartmentalize, re-focus, and let your mind rest/work without your attention.

Resolution will come when it's time for it to come.

I hear ya though. This is sucky. It ends, but it's sucky.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Yearning,

My heart is breaking for you ... and for me, because I can relate.

I went through this in therapy recently. Flooding back memories and the sense of things being my fault and reliving things that I had forgotten. ...I almost quit and I lost a lot of sleep and we had to slooooooow the therapy down considerably, just so that I could function in my daily life.

Last year, I told my T that I really hated myself and I confessed all manner of bad behavior that I did as a kid. And T still affirmed that I didn't deserve what happened to me.

She also talked about the brain development of children and I was able to view my own childhood actions with a little bit more sympathy. Of COURSE I wouldn't have had the understanding at age 8 that I had at age 25. Of COURSE I was badly behaved, because all the neighborhood kids were also badly behaved and I wanted to fit in.

I had been holding my younger self to too high of a standard. And I had concluded that I deserved the pain that I got.

When parents are abusive, one of the most insidious things is that they distort everything. EVERYTHING. Right becomes wrong and up becomes down. And what we think is normal really is NOT. Our way of making sense of the world doesn't fit reality.

*healing strength to you*

I guess the thing is that I've always seen myself as an adult, even when I was a little kid - I was always super mature and wanted to be treated like a grownup, so everyone treated me accordingly. And I did some really crazy (anxiety crazy) things as a kid, so I can see why my parents would not have known how to respond to that and would have felt the need to physically restrain me or whatever...and if those things felt abusive to me, well, I was the one who provoked them.

I remember one situation when I had just turned thirteen, while I was still living with my mother - I had a theater program that I did every year which was really serious. It wasn't just an after school activity; it was for kids who wanted to be actors, and I thought that might be what I wanted to do. The director was super strict and the performances were really serious - we spent a whole year preparing for them. And I'd been going there since I was eight and had a lot of really good friends there.

And the night of the performance when I was thirteen, I had been doing a normal kid misbehaving thing, talking back to my mother or something, and she told me I couldn't go to the performance that night as a punishment, and I literally just freaked out, because the anxiety was just so bad - everyone was going to hate me, the director would never let me go back there, all of my friends would feel like I'd hurt them by not doing my part, everyone would think I was irresponsible, I wouldn't be able to go to the summer program because the director wouldn't think I was reliable, and so on, and we were in the car when my mother told me this, and we were driving down the street that the studio was on, and we were going probably 60 or 70 km an hour, and I was literally trying to jump out of the car because I was so anxious about everyone hating me and being disappointed in me and losing all my friends.

So I could see why my mother got so angry at me in that situation (although strangely, she was less angry about me trying to jump out of a moving vehicle and more angry about the fact that I'd terrified my younger brother and my crying had made him cry too), and when we got home, I can really understand why she made me go to my room and when I refused because I was still trying to leave the house to get to my performance that night somehow, she held me down and restrained me for a really long time.

I mean, is that a traumatic memory for me? Sure, because I had a grownup sitting on my stomach and I was having a panic attack and I was having trouble breathing, and I kept telling her to get off me because I couldn't breathe, and she said she wouldn't get off me until I stopped crying and went to my room like she'd said...yes, that was scary for me, but I can sort of see where my mother's brain was at, and how angry she must have been at me, for good reason in that case.

It's just difficult to reconcile the fact that other people hurt me, but they didn't hurt me for no reason, and I also hurt them, which is why the "it's not your fault; you were a child; you were a victim" mantra that my T has at this point really feels undeserved. And when I tell her all of this stuff, she's probably going to change her tune, and I don't know if I'll be able to deal with that...

[Depletion]

Yearnings none of what happened to you is your fault, and you didn't do anything to make you deserve it. Kids push the limits all the time so that they can learn what is and is not ok. It's your parent job to help you understand that gently. They are suppose to teach you not abuse you and cause you shame. The fact that you pushed the limits sometimes is perfectly normal. What isn't normal is holding people down, ripping of peoples clothes and, verbally abusing them.

I'm sorry its so hard for you talk about all of this. Sometimes I get so dissociated after appointments that I forget what even went on just an hour ago. I like to have an hour to myself before and after therapy so that I can cope. I don't know if that's possible for you. And I'm like you I don't really find meditation or mindfulness helpful. But I do like to just lay in the dark sometimes when I get stressed out, and let my mind run its course. I do this sometimes after therapy. Going on walks is also really helpful for me. Sometimes I can just let go of things while I'm walking around (or driving around sometimes). Have you ever tried any of those things?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Yearnings none of what happened to you is your fault, and you didn't do anything to make you deserve it. Kids push the limits all the time so that they can learn what is and is not ok. It's your parent job to help you understand that gently. They are suppose to teach you not abuse you and cause you shame. The fact that you pushed the limits sometimes is perfectly normal. What isn't normal is holding people down, ripping of peoples clothes and, verbally abusing them.

I'm sorry its so hard for you talk about all of this. Sometimes I get so dissociated after appointments that I forget what even went on just an hour ago. I like to have an hour to myself before and after therapy so that I can cope. I don't know if that's possible for you. And I'm like you I don't really find meditation or mindfulness helpful. But I do like to just lay in the dark sometimes when I get stressed out, and let my mind run its course. I do this sometimes after therapy. Going on walks is also really helpful for me. Sometimes I can just let go of things while I'm walking around (or driving around sometimes). Have you ever tried any of those things?

Sometimes walks help. I like to go for a walk after my sessions - it helps me be a little calmer.