Really struggling and need support. VERY LONG.

Hey everybody..

Just thought I'd write an update on the paranoia I'm living. He never ever called me again. Ever. What is more, I tracked down his previous and only gf he had before me. They were together for almost 2 years and broke down with her the minute he targeted me when we worked together. I will post her story on their breakup. It's shocking how he did exactly the same thing. It's a bit long, but I think it's worth reading to realize how much of a psychopath he is. I'm trying to recover from the shock and realization that I was with a man who had no emotions whatsoever but was perfect at imitating them. thank you all for you support. Between the parentheses are my comments on her story.
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It is my turn to tell you my own breakup story. I met him in May 2007, we were also colleagues (same as you and this new woman; he has worked in three jobs his whole life and each one he found a girlfriend). We were together until February 2008 and then asked him to break up because I was not really in love and I felt very bad that he was so giving. Also his behavior was a problem for me, because he did not want to do anything else than to be all day together like leeches – he did not even meet his friends. But generally there were behaviors that scared me. He of course told me that it was the first time he felt so in love, that’s why he did not bother doing anything else and he also made me all my favors and was perfect in any way; too perfect.

Anyway, we spent 6-7 months apart after the breakup and I make the stupid mistake to reunite with him (at that time we had no contact until our birthday – we share the same bday – when he called me). We went to the movies and he told me to be together again and that has changed; that he has become more functional etc. He asks me for one more chance and I accepted. Indeed, quickly I noticed that he was very different, almost normal, and I thought we could make it work out gradually. His sister and his friends later told me that during our breakup, he was like a zombie and all he did was to wake with a bottle of gin and drink all day (I knew all this, he had told me, he also slept around and that time. But he always added ‘oh, look how immature I was back then, it was my first relationship and I didn’t know how to handle anything, and see how much I’ve changed, blah blah blah). I was puzzled but also filled with guilt for the ''bad'' I had done to him. After the reunion we were together for about 9 months (which were very good and I feel really nice) until on May 22, 2009 (that was a week before he hit on me, and 2 weeks after we started talking at work and getting to know each other!)

He called me and told me that the next day, Saturday evening, he had booked a table at a nice restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. Note that only two days before had told me that I'm the woman of his life , that I am his whole world and he can not imagine his life without me. I remember because it had struck me how seriously and consciously he was saying those words! ( During this time, he had already met me and kind of flirted with me. And I had repeatedly asked him, during our relationship if at any time he has second thoughts or isn’t sure about us, then please please please not to treat me like her. Not to tell me big words and leave me out of the blue. And with the most serious voice and look he would answer: No, I didn’t tell her ANY big words towards the end, only that I loved her every now and then. Our relationship is so much different, there isn’t even a measure!) So he tells me about the romantic dinner and I am very happy.

We hang up and shortly after, I call him back and he tells me that he didn’t go to work and that he is not feeling very well. His voice is changed; suddenly, he is another man; very sad and acting really strange. I ask him when are you coming home and he says ''I do not know when and if I’ll come!''. I can not understand anything! I go to his place. He’s wasted and talks incomprehensively. I ask him what on earth can have changed in just two hours and he’s so changed? I ask him if he is hiding something, is he has found smn else. He swears that no and suddenly and for the first time ever he blurts out that he is not in love anymore. He asks me for time, I said no. I beg for an honest explanation and he only tells me I do not know what to tell you. I do not believe a word, all seems so paranoid. And then, he tells me the most disgusting thing anyone has told me in my life: ''It is unfair if I stay with you. You're a really nice and beautiful girl and I could easily continue to have sex with you, but I know you do not want just that from us.'' I really can not describe to you how I felt that moment. I tell him ‘that’s it, goodbye’, and I leave.

That evening, a mutual friend of ours calls him, because she really can not believe that this perfect, sensitive and caring man broke up with me just like that, and he is wasted again and saying crap. The next day I call him (meanwhile his mother had arrived and was staying with him – note that because whenever his mother was here, he act strange) and he sounds just fine! Like a crazy person! As if nothing was wrong! I ask him again to give me an explanation and starts again telling me that crap, that he knows that he will not find anyone else like me and that it’s his loss, and some other schizophrenic words. My nerves are broken and at some point I start to cry. A lot. He listens and laughs!!! And says “Come on now, haha”. At that point, I was so sick of him and realized how sick of a person he is. Over the previous period he had made every possible attempt to win my heart and make me fall in love with him, and when he achieved it, he threw me away with so much hatred. The afternoon of the same day, he starts calling me; of course, I didn’t pick up. And he texts me ''forgive me. I did not know what I was saying. I want to see you, I love you.'' I say to myself this man must be locked up. Luckily I did not even answer.

I’m sure that if you had told him go to hell after he told you he cheated, he would have come back begging for your forgiveness, just to win you over again and then leave you. After that day there was no other communication . He finished it all at the day of our anniversary. As if he had planned it; so twisted (He also wrote me this final crazy email at the day of our monthly anniversary, we would say happy anniversary every month, and he sent it at the 28th, which was the day of our anniversary). And on 26/6 (our bday) he sends me a text happy bday and I wish you well and happiness, like there was nothing wrong (I rem that day, we were out on a date and he told me that he would text his ex, and I was like oh, he is so mature now, leaving it all behind and wishing her well!!!).

No one has ever has treated me so awful and with so much hatred. Frankly, however, so many years after that I also –like you—thought he can’t be such a sick and twisted man, just immature. Because I thought a person with this mind and deep emotional world can not be that bad and selfish, just terrible at handling emotions and hard situations. But after what you told me, I am convinced 100% that he is also an incredibly bad person who hates women; he targets sensitive and giving women who are unavailable, wears the façade they want to see in order to fall for him for as long as it takes, takes whatever he cans from them, and when he’s done and has targeted the next one, he discards them without a second thought.

He is a very ugly and sad person and I am really sorry for what he did to you. Sorry if to bore you with a ton of details, but it is hard to describe coherently all this paranoia. I understand that you are looking to find answers but there is nothing more to it: just a deeply troubled person. A psychopath.

I have read most of your thread, sorry you have experienced all this with this troubled young man. I don't know if he is a true psychopath, or just a very lost young man that has a lot of maturing to do. His relationship with is mother is strange, and that is something no woman can fix IMHO. Often there are red flag warning signs present in a prospective partner, unfortunately what women do is think they can fix whatever is wrong. Well, this can go on for years and a woman can keep believing things are great and will get better, he will grow up and change at some point, but that doesn't take place and the relationship can fall apart to where the woman is feeling all the things you are describing.

It is not unusual for a male to take a lot longer to mature than a woman. Also, they look at sex very differently too, they can have sex without love, no problem, whereas a woman typically is bonding and connecting when she is "making love". Also men are emotionally hardwired differently then women are so you will never really get a nurturer with a man. Men and women can have similar emotions however women are much more emotionally complex then men are, it's just the way we are designed because women have to be more emotionally complex because she bears a child and has to be capable of picking up on different needs. You might pick up on a male partner's needs, but that will not be the same in his ability to pick up on your needs. Men will notoriously get frustrated with emotional women and they "can" respond with anger or a desire to escape or move on. Men tend to be more attracted to a submissive woman too. However, there are men that look for a woman "just like mom", they don't even realize it either, it is what they know and their subconscious tells them is what they better fit with. A man can grow up with a narcissistic mother and be a bit miserable and end up with the same type as a wife always making up for how he could never please the mother.

Believe it or not, many people duplicate similar relationship problems that their parents had too. They say "never" but, often certain behavior patterns are so deep in their subconscious from seeing how their parents interact that they repeat the same behaviors like an automatic deeply learned skill, doing without thinking.

Take some time and review patterns in your relationship and also review patterns in your parent's relationship, see anything similar? Think about how at times you gave this guy a hard time, lost your cool and was difficult. Have you seen that happen with your parents? Often we pick up these behavior patterns not realizing it. We see these kind of interactions happen all the time we are growing up, even when we don't realize it playing over and over again in the background as we grow up. What we don't even realize our brain is learning is "action = response" and often we also pickup on the emotional responses too "action = emotional response" even "action = tantrum".

Something to think about.

OE

Thank you, Open Eyes, for taking the time to read and reply.

Yes, I have often recognized my parents way of relating in my own relationships. And I know that; I discussed it with him, admitted my problems, and tried to get better. But his case was very different.

He wore the mask of the perfect bf since day one, and never took it off. If you read on the top of the page what he did to his previous gf (which is almost exactly the same as what he did to me) you will see that only a true psychopath could treat another human being --let alone the person he supposedly madly loves-- like that; only someone with no emotions whatsoever, who yet imitates them in the most perfect of ways.

It's not the cheating. This can happen to any normal and healthy person in a moment of weakness etc. It is a combination of things that show that he is not well: his texts the last days before the cheating up until only two hours before read that I'm the woman of his life, he wants to marry me, our relationship is stronger than ever, I should quit my job (which I hate) because he could support me till I find another one (I would also be unemployed if I had listened); he also sent me photos of apartments to look at so that we could move together in April; after the cheating he called me with a changed voice, told me he cheated. I asked him why? he said I don't know, I might be in love!! He NEVER called me again since that day (March 16th). NEVER. I called him, he wouldn't pick up. I begged him to talk to me, explain what is going on, how can he be so heartless and stop talking to me, as if I did smth bad. Nothing. I wrote to him a long email recognizing all my mistakes and asking to work things out. Nothing. And after 2-3 weeks of absolute silence, he sent me an email saying that my behavior had nothing to do with what happened. That he knows our relationship was perfect and that we were ideal for each other and that he will never have a deeper or more meaningful relationship with anyone else, but he cannot explain why he does what he does neither control it. And in the end he said I love you hope you'll forgive me one day. And that was it. The end. He never bothered to call or text again. Not even to see if I was ok after what he had done. That is not just immature. That is evil, vengeful. The exact opposite to what he had shown me consistently for 5 years.

I could recover a normal breakup, where there is this gradual falling apart etc. But this, how can I? It's so sick and twisted. How will I ever trust again?