Amy's Daily Journey

Amy please don't stop posting. There are so many people you have helped by telling your story. There are even people who normally don't post who respond to your messages. You have touched them in a way that makes them want to respond. You have inspired so many people so please don't let the negative people prevent you from reaching out and sharing plus it probably helps you feel less alone. We are here for you so let us be a part of your journey. It is a privilege.

Amy, please don't stop posting! I am already wondering how you are this morning, and hoping that you will share your thoughts and feelings with us as long as you are able to. I have learned so much from you. Thank you.
Love,
rainbow

Hmmm,

Looks like they deleted my post. Not sure why, since I didn't mention anyone in particular, or indicate that the person in question was a PC member. ???

Anyway, I hope you stay, Amy! Your posts are very encouraging!

"Day #20

Okay, got over yesterday and moving on

I have a few moments to write my email for today. It will have to be a short one though.
I was thinking a lot about what to write today and I want to write something fun and lighthearted. But for the life of me my brain feels like cotton wool today and thoughts just don't stick very well. I am so tired, I could probably sleep three days in a row. At least that's what it feels like.
But then I would miss out on too much, I think.
I could tell you about the cute doctor though who always flirts with me and says "Hi Gorgeous" every time he sees me. I love him for that because I am not gorgeous at all right now, haha.
Or I could tell you about my nurse who tries to put on a professional face whenever she sees me and after a while I can see it changing, she just can't keep it up and we joke a lot or we cry.
There is really not much else that is in my brain right now, so I apologize. Perhaps today you have to do the talking for me and I will listen.

Much love,
A"

I am so happy to see you on PC today! After yesterday, I wasn't sure if you would come back. It sounds like you are holding together well as can be. Hope the cute doctor is taking good care of you.

No matter what you look like now or will look like in the future, the cute doc is right: you are gorgeous! I know this without seeing you because beauty comes from a good and pure soul, and this I know you to have.

Thanks for posting. Many of us read and learn without writing back. I decided to do so because I wanted you to know from even more people that you're loved and cared for.

THANK YOU FOR THE CHOCOLATE!!!

I received some Belgian chocolate today from a member of PC. I ate a piece and it was like a piece of heaven. And it made me so very happy!

Dear Amy,
I just discovered your thread today. You are a strong and amazing person. I hope your pain is being controlled. I know you are a Christian. Were you ever angry at God? I know I have been and I have been carrying a much lighter load than you. I am so glad that you have had joy in your life, and that you have some very strong friends and caregivers.

I wish you peace snd His blessings.

I just wanted to say I'm still reading your posts and my go back and read more of them when my life calms down more. It's helpful to read them and reflect on how to approach what's in the future for all of us as positively as you are doing, I think... I don't mean to ignore the scary, unhappy parts of it tho. I guess I mostly wanted to say your voice is being read by yet another person here.

Hi Amelia asked me to let you know she is at the hospital and can't log into PC now but hopefully she will be back later tonight.

Best wishes

She wanted me to let you know that she is in the hospital, and cannot sign in to pc, but hopefully will be home tonight, please keep her in her in your prayers. thank you. __________________
this is sweepy62

Very inspiring.
Thank you Amy for your posts.

punky

Missing you Amelia, your in my prayers

"Day #21

Hello all. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry for a very late email. I know it will arrive for some of you after midnight.
The truth? I had a sh%#t, fu%#^$ up, miserable day and I am very frustrated. I spend all day at the hospital getting MRI's and scans only to confirm what I already knew. And remember, an MRI costs me $1600! So I spent lots of money for a diagnosis that my nurse had already made and that was already upsetting enough.

Anyway, I tried to make the best of it and kept in touch with some people via text message, imagined that when I got home I will have two pieces of Belgian chocolate and I played games on my phone until the battery died
I can now run 10000 meters on TempleRun and yay, with so little excitement that is an achievement! So don't judge me..

But ok, I will be serious for a moment. I was sorely confronted with my big fear today. Having something scary happen like it did to me today makes it more obvious how fragile everything is for me at the moment. I feel I am not ready, I am not done yet, I still have too much life inside me.
Then again, there is so much I have achieved lately. I have an awesome therapist who is with me on this journey. She shows her fear and sadness without shame, which makes me able to do the same. She helps me accept things but she also shares my frustration and senses the unfairness of this situation. And she loves me and is not afraid to say it. If she could she would be with me every day. And in a way she is. We text a lot, we email, she calls she is here for me all the time. And I have some sweet friends who help me here too and a nice nurse who I really learned to love.

When I got back I sat outside and I saw our groundhog come out.. I was even able to take a picture before heard the click of the phone and ran away like a maniac. Be he will be back out soon, he comes to visit every day now. I really love watching him.
I will attach a picture here, too cute!

With love,
A"

Amy,

There is something I just know, and that is you are not close to done. All of us are just beginning. They say an enlightened person understands that the end is not an end, they say they have no fear of because they know the truth. I'm not saying have no fear because that would be a stupid thing to say, as if it works like that. Being "enlightened" in this sense I'm talking about the absence of any attachment and the presence of compassion for all things and much more, which is not easy even if you're a monk. Jesus may be the best known enlightened person for example (IMO). Anyways I understand that you must be scared sometimes. For whatever it's worth please know that I think about you and send out positive thoughts to the universe, and I'm traveling along with you, you are my sister in humanity. Also, I love chocolate, yogurt ice cream, cute groundhogs .

<3 Petra

we use to have a family of ground hogs that lived in our yard . we called them the finkelsteins now I have a kitten coming who will have the same last name .lol

amelia, so glad you are back home and your ground hog is too cute.

when i was traveling in europe and some sheep started jumping the fence out of their country yard my friend was so funny and starts acting like they are the simpsons. she started imitating the lead fugitive sheep as homer simpson. cracked me up.

Sorry you had such a rough day. You continue to be in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.

Thinking of you Amy. So sorry to hear about yesterday. Thank you so much for finding the energy to post. Sending you love and hugs. Hope today is a better day. You are in my thoughts. xxxx

Thanks for the update and wishing better days for you. Stay strong!

You are in my prayers, I cant stop crying this morning. Your journey is never done, maybe here. Since I met you here on PC you have been a inspiration in my life, thankyou for sharing your life with us.

"Day #22

Hello everyone,

today started out VERY good! I received a care package with all the necessary things to make me happy from a very special PC member (I love you very much! And Thank you!!):


I had a restless night, struggling with the repercussions of yesterday, so receiving this special gift magically put a smile on my face and my stomach. (Oh yes, my stomach surely can smile!)
It made me go all fuzzy and warm inside and I realized once again, how wonderful people can be and that there is so much compassion out there, when we open ourselves to the possibility.
For a long time in my life I would have given everything to bee seen, heard, valued, loved. And in fact, I tried everything to get all that. I craved for love and attention and I was confused why people left me rather than stay with me.
I learned that the more I try to force closeness, attention, love and care - the more people around me would withdraw. I suffocated them with my neediness. I pushed them away with my disappointment when they didn't give me what I wanted or needed.

It was incredibly painful, incredibly frustrating and incredibly lonely. And there seemed to be no way out, because I couldn't control my needs, right? I had a right to my needs, right? I deserved to have my needs fulfilled, right?

No, I was so badly wrong with all that and on all levels. The only thing that was true and valid was, that I had the needs and desires. Everything else was assumption, force, faulty thinking and misguided emotions.

I had to learn to let people be, make their own decisions how much time they want to spend with me, how much they were able and willing to invest in me. I had to learn to accept that I am not the center of the universe, that other people struggle too, that people have limits. I had to accept that not everyone will love me, even if I tried to be the most lovable person. I had to accept that some people may dislike me even..(Oh what a hard lesson that was when I struggled so much with not being loved in the first place!) I had to accept that I couldn't expect people to give me what I needed or wanted.

When I made that step back though, when I accepted my neediness but rejected the expectation, the sense of entitlement - that's when things started to change for me. I was still needy but somehow these needs got filled without even trying. People started to feel drawn to me instead of feeling the need to withdraw. It was like a magnet that pulled me towards certain people and that pulled them towards me. I met people who loved me, took care of me, respected me, valued me, appreciated me. And without having to put too much effort into it.
For me, it really was true that when I let go of the expectation, I received more than I had dreamed about.

And well, I will be honest. I still need things, I still want to be heard and seen and loved and cared for and valued. But today I know that I can reach out to people and tell them how I feel and they will be right by my side. And I know I will be exactly that for them as well.
The PC member who sent me chocolate today is such a wonderful person, with a huge and beautiful heart. She makes me smile EVERY single day without even trying. I feel drawn to her and she feels drawn to me, and the friendship, although very young, is so very precious to me. And it just happened because I opened myself up to the possibility. And thank God I did, I wouldn't laugh half as much without her right now!

And all you people here on PC who send me messages when you're worried, or when you are happy, when you feel you want to talk or just send love - that is so very very precious to me. I feel honored that some people ask me for advice, even though my advice might sometimes be everything else but right, haha. I feel valued and cared for when you ask me how I am doing. I feel very privileged when you tell me about your life.

When I get a text message from sweepy for example, my heart feels all happy and warm..
I feel very blessed to have you all in my life and will keep you in mine as long as I can.

With love,
A"

So well said. Something we al can learn from. I know I will.

punky

Amelia your inner beauty shines so brightly through your posts! Thank you for sharing your self/journey with us. And your groundhog is a cutie!

I just want to quickly say that I do read all of your private messages and I will get back to all of you, I am just trying to balance my energy a little bit. So if I don't reply right away, it doesn't mean that I don't care, I hope you know that.
I appreciate EVERY message and LOVE hearing from you all.

Amelia