Amy's Daily Journey

Hey Amelia so lovely to read your posts again & to know your feeling better. Your Day 22 post was really interesting,as my issue has always been how much to open up, the fear of rejection is so strong that I just want to protect myself (as you know I have SA). I so want to rid myself of everything that holds me back & just be free & from you I'm learning that its kinda ok to do that

Amelia...thanks for your openess in your prior post.... It is really making me think about my expectations and entitlement and handling disappointment....

Sending prayers your way for hours of enjoyment today!

I am finally catching up on Amy's Journey after having to lay low for a while because of other life activities.

Just wanted to say: You are a gift, Amy!

A gift to me personally.

Day #23

I received an interesting and though-provoking email yesterday in response to my letter yesterday. I asked if it's ok to share, so I will. (And I will turn my letter today into a "Dear Amelia" kind of letter.)

"Dear Amelia,

I read your email today with mixed feelings. My stomach felt funny. I felt caught. I was angry at you and was a second away from asking you to take me of your list. What you wrote today hit too close to home and I didn't want to know how you overcame what I am struggling with. I feel like now I don't have an excuse any more and that is stressful. It challenged me too much. But worse than that, it gave me a bad conscience. My initial reply to you was: I am happy it worked for you but that doesn't mean it works for everyone. Perhaps you are an exception because the world doesn't work that way. So come down from your high horse.
I closed your email and thought I will just let it go.
But that was impossible. Over and over again my thoughts wandered off and your words haunted me. I guess you have hit a nerve with me and I don't like it. I actually want to scream at you! Your email hurts.
I have to admit that it hurts because you are right. And that truth doesn't sit well with me. So if I may ask you a question, and if that doesn't exhaust you too much, would you mind telling me how you did all this without breaking under the pain?

L"

Dear L,

Wow, I am glad I read your email until the end because halfway in I thought WTF?? No offense, I think I was just afraid I had hurt your feelings somehow and felt bad about that.
Then I read your email again. And again.
And now I know what to reply.
Thank you for your honesty is what I want to say first. That must have been very hard for you to write, to admit, to ponder and to convey.
And I feel for and with you so much. Actually, all these feeling you describe, were feelings I went through as well when I had this realization of what I was really doing to myself and to people around me.
We don't like to think that we are hurting other people, especially when it is by our neediness. In fact, I think it's one of the most difficult things to comprehend. Here we are - hurting, in need, desperate. We want others to be close to us. We want to be taken care of and we want to feel special. And then people tell us (or signal) that we are too much, too needy, too demanding etc. It feels so very wrong to us. Because we have a reason to be, don't we? And with every person who shows us that we might be too much, we feel the past repeat itself. We feel worthless, unlovable, unpleasant. We start to resent ourselves because we must be bad, why else would we be alone, right?
And then we withdraw, we make ourselves more lonely, we want to protect ourselves from being hurt, we stop trusting people.
And in my case - I resented people and thought they just don't care so I won't care about them! I had this infantile stubbornness that was irrational and damaging, but well it was my feeling.

But oh, I was so very very wrong. None of these thoughts I had were true. Seriously, not one. People didn't withdraw from me because I was bad or unlovable, they withdrew because my neediness was too much to handle. They felt drained by me, suffocated by me but mostly: HELPESS.
They just couldn't give me what I need because the truth is, whatever they would have given me, IT WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN ENOUGH.
My need for certain things was insatiable! Someone telling me I was special was not enough. I wanted them to say it over and over. I wanted them to be close, hug me, hold my hand, comfort me ALL THE TIME.
My neediness was not healthy for anyone especially not for me. Because, if people couldn't give me what need, if it was never enough, then I was in a hopeless place. And hopeless meant there was no reason to live.

So, I had to come to that very painful, very aggravating place where I needed to feel all the pain that you describe in your email. For me it was the only thing that worked. If people had enabled me to keep going, I would have never found the strength to move forward.

And the truth is, that when I did have that epiphany, I was a mess. I thought I would be alone forever. I thought I would never recover. I was depressed and sad and VERY angry.

One day, not so long afterwards, a friend of mine called and told me he had been thinking about me. My first reaction was to cling to that, to him. But I said instead: "That is really sweet of you, how are you?" He told me something about his life and the conversation for the first time was not one-sided. It was relaxed and real and it felt nice. Over time these kind of encounters became more and I had to work VERY hard not to fall back into my old behaviors. But over time it became easier and eventually I met people who became my surrogate fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers. I made friends who liked to stick around, but I also accepted when some decided to leave.

It is everything else but easy. But at least for me, it was crucial to go through this pain.
You know, L, you have been a wonderful friend to me. And I have been your friend for a while. I am still here and have never withdrawn. You don't have to put any effort into our friendship at all. I am here.

With love,
A"

This is why you are such a special friend. That reply is really lovely. And I think a lot of us can relate to that neediness. So, thanks.

With love(!!!),
Me

Amy, I am one of those people who can relate to being too needy. Your post yesterday and the letters today have given me a lot to think about, and to strive for. You have shown me many pearls of wisdom through your writing, and I will be forever grateful to you!

I hope you have a nice day today! Did you eat all of your chocolate?

Love,
rainbow

Hi Rainbow,

thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate them very much.
I didn't eat all of my chocolate yet but I have eaten some.. and it's soo very good.

With love,
Amelia

Thank you Amelia for sharing with us. I feel it is a point in our lives when we realize that nobody can ever fill that empty hole we were unfortunately left with. It is incredibly painful to accept that. Afterwards comes the grief of the love and care we craved and we needed but we will never get.
When we go through this process we can learn to enjoy the type of love and closeness and care we can actually receive from people as adults and not the idea of intense permanent unconditional love we wanted before. We just became more realistic but the emptiness will remain for ever… or will it not??

Amy, I had a chance to sit down & read through ALL your journey. I lost my mother to cancer almost 9 years ago now (seems like yesterday). I had wished & actually expected that she would have given out wisdom but she was so in denial that her cancer was even possibly terminal, the only thing she did was continually ask ME when she was going to get better.

The last 2 months of her life, I hardly left her side.....started with the need to protect her from the evil home care person I got rid of finally after 5 days of horror......& then weeks in the hospital where I slept next to her just in case the evil home care person or other evil people would show up. I did more comforting of her during those last months. Seeing your openness & the openness of another friend who had cancer a few years ago.....I realize that the openness is possible.....but when a person hasn't provided wisdom throughout their life......it's not going to be a normal thing for them to provide it at the end.

In reading your posts here.....you have always shared yourself constantly throughout your life in so many meaningful ways. I can totally relate to the things you have done.....as they are similar to my experiences.....but I know it's God talking through me & nudging me.....remember he tells us that "if you do it to the least of these you have done it to me".

Less than a year ago, I was driving home to my farm in my truck with a new phone that I had no numbers put into yet & it wasn't working as it should. It was evening.....& this guy was walking his bike up the highway. Initially I drove by & turned onto the pike to head home....but this little voice inside kept telling me to go back. I thought he might have just been out on a ride & was tired & walking home to someplace near by as after near by.....there was nothingness for more than 20 some miles. Asked him if he needed a ride & then asked where he was heading to....the big city more than 30 miles away. So instead, I took him to my farm & BBQ'ed a huge dinner. Thought I would drive him up to the city after we ate. However in talking more over dinner & asking more questions, I found that he was actually heading several 100 miles away trying to get home. I had nothing planned that Sunday after church, so gave him a sleeping bag, threw cloths in the washer. We went to church the next morning & then I drove him home after. I am sure that God leads us to help people who's lives HE wants touched. This young guy commented that he had never had anyone who cared about him all his life. I could relate because even though I had people who physically cared there was no feeling behind their actions.

I know that God puts us places where we are needed & puts it in our heart to help but it's still our choice to take the action or not....but taking the action makes a huge difference. One time I was driving back to work after a racquettball lunch & this older man was crossing the street at the light, tripped & fell with is grocery bags. There I was in my car....seeing this & seeing people standing around doing absolutely NOTHING. I found a parking place & walked back & helped the man & his groceries into his apartment. Interesting thing...I went back a few days later to check if he was ok....& he didnt even remember what had happened.....just glad that I got him home safe that day.

As an aerospace engineer in my younger days, I was always working late into the early morning (also trying to avoid a bad marriage).....for some reason this one night I took the dark winding, out of the way road heading home....dont even know why I didn't hop on the freeway & fly home. But in driving down the road, I came across this car that had run into the overpass. It wasn't totalled & the person wasn't hurt....but he was sure stuck out in the middle of nowhere......& I'm sure that he had also been drinking......this was before cell phones.....so my only option was to make sure he got home.

I am so sure that God puts us in these places where he knows we will be the ones willing & able to take the action needed & to shine His light & His LOVE on these people & to make a difference in their life.

I loved reading the opportunities you have had to help others....it's so inspiring to know that there are others out there who have been willing to go in the direction that God points & to follow his little voice inside.

Like I said.....the wisdom & insights that you are providing through your emails & posts is wonderful.....after the experience with my own mother & the expectations that I had that were disappointed. I also promised myself that if ever in a similar position I would choose to express the wisdom & share from the experiences & learning that God has provided me....& I thank you for doing that. What is a life lived if we can't learn from it & share what we have learned?

I didn't eat a piece of chocolate for you but a chocolate dipped strawberry....those are my weakness.

I was so excited and happy to read this. I have experiences like this, also, and I describe it as God "nudging" me in my spirit. I love to hear His voice, and I love the adventure of obeying Him. "I delight to do Thy will, O Lord." Thank you so much for writing this.

"Day #24

My goal was to get to #30 and I decided today that once I get there, I will stop writing these daily letters. Not because I don't want to any more or because I don't have anything more to share. But because I think I have achieved my goal and it slowly but gradually is time to let go.

But I am not there yet so I will try to fill the letters with whatever comes to mind. Today nothing much comes to mind really, haha. My brain is as tired as my body and I am having a few rather frustrating issues which I would like to share here but I don't know if I can or should.
It really is hard to keep knowing what is right or wrong at this time. And the people around me seem to be as confused by that as me. It becomes harder for them to talk to me because they don't know what to say and it's becoming harder for me to accept that it's hard for them.

This really is a challenge in practicing mercy and grace, because I feel a lot of frustration with myself and with other people and sometimes that causes tension.

I already feel overwhelmed with my whole situation but it makes it harder when, for example, friends get upset that I don't call them back in time or email them.

And the closer it comes to the end, the more people flock around me and are worried and that is stressful and annoying and I want to scream at them to just leave me alone, give me some space, let me be by myself for a while.

And people tell me: "Well, you have to understand they are afraid too, they are worried."
And then, when in my mind I feel like saying "Screw that, this is about me and not them" I get overwhelmed with this guilt feel I am not thankful enough for their care or that I lack understanding for their pain.

So I keep quiet and in this quiet place my frustration rises and makes me want to explode. I am a little afraid of that explosion.

So yeah, some days are just very challenging and today was one of them.

With love,
A"

My dear friend felt the same way.

He said "I find myself doing most of the comforting to them while Im the one dying here."

A rather complicated position to be in. Human nature is funny this way. It makes no sense.

punky

Thinking of you, Amy.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. All these people who love you and who are there, they will be able to handle it. Trust that the right people will be there in the right capacity. Please don't stress yourself out worrying about them.

Tell them if you want some space, to be by yourself for a while.

Much love to you, Amelia.

Amy, I just caught up on you postings, I'm sorry that you ended up at the hospital, yet I'm glad it was such a short stay. Your therapist is a true mensch, and I'm glad fate has put you together. My heart is warmed by your relationship with each other, and I know my former therapist would give me similar care.
I am sending positive thoughts your way hoping you rest easy and have many bursts of sunshine this weekend, and as the new week comes.

I took some needed time away from my daily schedule to spend time with myself, kiddo, and my niece, so I stepped away from PC for a short while.

Glad you got some Belgium chocolates to smooth your throat and put a smile of remembrance on your face. Take Care.

XOXO,

GTGT

I can understand how overwhelming it has to be to try to comfort those who will lose you while battling your own overwhelming feelings.

Sending gentle hugs, and much love.

Worried you have not answered your text

thinking about you amelia and hoping you are okay.

Amelia,

Missing you, thinking of you, and wanting to send positive thoughts and warm hugs your way.

GTGT

hugs amelia

Thinking of you Amelia. Sending gentle hugs and lots of love.

Hi everyone,

I will pick up writing the letters again tomorrow I hope. I am not well and I struggle a lot with what is happening to me.
My Therapist is really great and supports me really amazingly. She saved my life a couple of times over the last few days. And I mean that literally.

I will be back here as soon as I can.

Much love,
Amelia

I've never posted before, just lurked. But I have been following your journey and praying for you all the way.

Thanks for checking in here. We love you. Gentle hugs.