[GenCat]

Thanks for what you all have said in old post called Going Dancing With T.

I am still battling these issues with T. She and I texted most of the day yesterday and for a couple of hours today. Here's the latest: so I asked her if she went to church on Wednesday and Sunday nights. I have been looking for another church to go to and meant ironed this to T. She told me I should come visit next Sunday and that she expects to see me there. But then I told her I didn't want to go alone, to a huge church because that would make me nervous. She said she would sit with me but she has to do something else for the church that morning. Then I said I wouldn't be social I'd just visit once and leave. She said I would get connected faster than I believe and that she could get me info to the teens age group at the church. I told her I'd rather be a hermit. She said I'm with you there but you need to have fun, and she is helping me not get bored. Then I told her I wouldn't have her hand and her to drag me, like she did at dance. (Not literal hand holding) I asked her how this helps me if she's always there. She told me I didn't need her to hold me hand and that I was brave at the dance and that I don't give myself enough credit. I asked her but what if I always want you there with me? Is that transference? She said its co-dependence. The next day I text her asking her why she invited me to the concert a few months from now. She said it was because I told her I knew of some going, and T said I should go. And then she said that I didn't know if I'd get to go with them (I'm pretty sure I never said that). So she said yea I have room in my car for one more (Call it a coincidence). She said the more the merrier and that she and her friend were planning on asking anyone who'd be interested. She asked me why I asked about the concert. I told her because it was weird that we were starting to do things outside of office and that I am confused by it. She said I don't want to confuse you, just giving you ideas of things to do socially. She says I see you enjoying way more things once you try them. I'm an encourager but not a hand holder. Then, she sends me an email that was the conversation she had with the director over the teen group with the church. I read the response and then scrolled down to read what T wrote to director. T wrote that I was a social dropout due to college for two yrs and that I was shy and needed a group of people my age to be with and to accept me!! I promptly told T why she said those things about me to a stranger? She asked me was it has she said those things? She said I was shy in new situations. That that is not bad and asked if it upset me. I told her why she had to sound like a therapist? And that the last thing that was said tonight.

Sorry so long, any thoughts as to what in the world is going on here?

[RTerroni]

Thanks for the update, still I don't think it is good to drive with your Therapist to a concert if it is a typical run of the mill concert (i.e. something that is only one night and even most festivals although I do have some exceptions to this rule) if you want I think that you can both go separate and than meet up there to discuss how you are enjoying the concert but I really wouldn't go beyond that.

Church is an interesting situation for me (as a regular churchgoer myself) but I do believe that contact and communication with your Therapist is appropriate there.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Thanks for the update, still I don't think it is good to drive with your Therapist to a concert if it is a typical run of the mill concert (i.e. something that is only one night and even most festivals although I do have some exceptions to this rule) if you want I think that you can both go separate and than meet up there to discuss how you are enjoying the concert but I really wouldn't go beyond that.

What did your therapist think when you told her about all this?

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by GenCat

What did your therapist think when you told her about all this?

What do you mean

[HazelGirl]

This sounds like she may be getting too invested. It doesn't seem like it's a good idea.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

What do you mean

You said you told your T about this and she said it was a boundary crossing. Did she say anything else like why it was?

[shezbut]

Your T's behavior sounds wrong to me, GenCat. What the two of you discuss behind closed (professional) doors is supposed to remain there. It was completely inappropriate of your T to share your personal history with the church director.

The list of activities that you two are planning and/or already done are also inappropriate. There's nothing wrong with her encouraging you to go to a concert, maybe even joking that you two might bump into each other in line ....but that is it. The line needs to be drawn there. Offering to drive you along? Inappropriate. Really.

While these things I've said may not be comfortable to see, you need to pay attention to them. Think about it. How many average Joe's/Jane's hang out with their T? Not many at all. There's a big and important reason for that. We need to have a solid, safe relationship with our T's, to make our world a healthier and emotionally safer place to live in.

Intimate or close friendships change the dimensions a bit. Suddenly, there's more give/take between patient and T. It just doesn't help you to have to sieve between the words she says and try to decipher the meaning. best wishes to you!

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by GenCat

You said you told your T about this and she said it was a boundary crossing. Did she say anything else like why it was?

Oh yeah, no she didn't really say anything more other than she said that she thought it was a boundary crossing.

[feralkittymom]

Completely inappropriate for her to have discussed you with anyone outside of her colleague/supervisor without your written permission. And you were texting most of the day and 2 hours today? Again, inappropriate. She is merging her boundaries with yours, resetting the lines according to her view of her good intentions--and destroying the therapy frame in the process. No wonder you feel uncomfortable. I would not stay with this T because I would not be able to trust her judgement. I think her intentions are good, but her practice is very thoughtless. Is she credentialed?

[brillskep]

I'm growing even more concerned with this post than the one before. The constant texting and all the invitations to social events are too much for a healthy therapeutic relationship. It sounds a little like she's insisting, too. Like she's encouraging you to be dependent on her. I mean, do you REALLY need HER to give you ideas of what to do socially? Wouldn't it help more if she helped you to think about what you might want to do socially, rather than inviting you to things she enjoys? I'm worried about what this relationship is turning into and how it's going to affect you. I'm also very concerned that she is not keeping your confidentiality (taking you in the car with a friend, talking to the priest about your going to a group, etc). You were very right: she isn't talking / acting as a therapist. I hope you can work something out. How long have you been with this T?

[blur]

Originally Posted by GenCat

She said I don't want to confuse you, just giving you ideas of things to do socially...I'm an encourager but not a hand holder.

your T is not just encouraging you to do things nor merely giving you ideas of things to do. she is inviting you and accompanying you to events. those aren't the same thing. i don't see how your T is empowering you to do things on your own but rather creating a dependency on her by taking you to events. how does this help you to be more assertive or empower you? this is a dual relationship as she is now socializing with you. unfortunately, dual relationships with the T don't usually end well. i unknowingly had a dual relationship with my last T and it screwed up the therapy which resulted in my deciding to leave therapy with her.

Then, she sends me an email that was the conversation she had with the director over the teen group with the church. I read the response and then scrolled down to read what T wrote to director. T wrote that I was a social dropout due to college for two yrs and that I was shy and needed a group of people my age to be with and to accept me!!

what she did here is a violation of your confidentiality with her. i think your T has jumped the shark. i understand you have feelings for her but she doesn't seem to be acting in your best interests at this point. i'm sorry. i know you are confused and must be upset about all this.

[unaluna]

Yeah when the t says this is a codependent relationship, i was like, is she hearing herself? What exactly do you want from her, and what does she want from you?

[Mactastic]

I can't see this relationship being healthy as it stands now. I agree she's fostering a dependence in you and I don't like how she shared personal information of yours with another person without your permission. It's nobody's business that you have social anxiety - if anything, having it out there for people to know might make it worse. And texting for hours? Where are her boundaries?

[peaches100]

As much as I envy you, and wish my t would offer to do those things with me, I know in my heart that it would be a bad idea. And I am SURE that my t would say it was a boundary violation and that the t is acting inappropriately. Does your t go to supervision or have any supervisor who oversees her therapy work with patients? I think she needs to go to supervision or consult with some other colleagues about this. Her compassion and urge to be helpful to you are great. But she seems to be going way over the boundaries of a t and becoming like a friend. If she wants to encourage you to become more social, why couldn't she just discuss this with you in sessions? In other words, the two of you could discuss possible social activities you might like to try, then you could choose an event to attend, and then return to therapy to discuss how it went. Why does she need to go with you? I'm sure it feels great to have her do that. But you seem to realize that it might not be a good idea. The phrase that stuck with me was your question, "But what if I always want you to be there?" You realize that by having her there with you, rather than encouraging you to form other relationships, it might just cause you feel more attached to her and want to do more and more social things together.

[rainbow8]

GenCat, what are you thinking about what most posters are telling you? Are you all right? It's hard to hear your T being criticized I know. It just doesn't seem like she's acting professionally and we don't want you to get hurt.

[GenCat]

Another thing I've been thinking about is that when we were at the dance, we sat beside each other and a few times we talked I saw her look down at my breasts (had low cut dress on, so cleavage showed) and she touched my knee one time and asked if i was having fun and another time leaned over, when i had her phone and rested her hand on the back of my seat where my butt sat. Am I just being paranoid or is there something going on here?

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

GenCat, what are you thinking about what most posters are telling you? Are you all right? It's hard to hear your T being criticized I know. It just doesn't seem like she's acting professionally and we don't want you to get hurt.

I'm okay, I just want to know if she's trying to be my friend or get me into bed or what!? I know what my T is doing is wrong, and find it super uncanny when i ask her about things she gives me a answer that seems Luke she's thought of what to say even before I've asked.

And I have been with this T a year, next month.

Also, I suspect she is having trouble with her husband, she stopped wearing her wedding ring about the time this all started and the few times I've been by her house only her car has been there. Idk if this info matters.

[grimtopaz]

Your post makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I literally felt my skin crawl.

I might be repeating myself from a previous comment, but I feel this needs to be reiterated.

Her behavior is beyond a boundary crossing. If you were to report what she is doing to a licensing board, there might be enough grounds for her to lose her license.

I know you love your therapist and she has been incredibly helpful to you. I don't want your attachment to her to be minimized. Leaving her will cause you tremendous pain.

This being said, she has extremely poor, unprofessional boundaries. It sounds like she is meeting her needs through you and has become enmeshed. It doesn't sound like she is putting YOUR needs first. This is what therapists must do.

Therapists are at a very high risk of ethical violations when they are going through a separation/divorce or other periods of interpersonal stress. I don't necessarily think she wants to sleep with you (unless she has said/done other things), but poor physical boundaries (touching others without their permission) also indicate she has extremely poor boundaries overall.

If I were in your place, I would not stick around to wait and see if her behavior might become sexual in nature. Furthermore, if it does, how would you react?

From previous experience (an older female mentor becoming uncomfortable enmeshed with me), I believe these boundary crossings will escalate. Anyway, we cannot predict the future, but I can tell that this is NOT headed to a healthy end.

Most importantly, I know that what a bunch of strangers tell you on a board will not dictate your decision. However, please listen to your gut. It's there for a reason. From what you are posting, it sounds like your gut is identifying lots of red flags. I understand that you don't want to believe it.

I hope you decide to find an ethical, professional therapist who will respect your boundaries and puts your needs first.

Best of luck.

GenCat, you have said in the past that you like to make up stories to get attention. I ate to be the one to ask you, but is this one of those times? You needing something from your therapist? PC?

If this is not the case, please accept my apologies.

GTGT

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

GenCat, you have said in the past that you like to make up stories to get attention. I ate to be the one to ask you, but is this one of those times? You needing something from your therapist? PC?

If this is not the case, please accept my apologies.

GTGT

Thank you for asking. But no I am being honest and not making a thing up about T. I haven't lied on here because what would be the point? I don't get anything out of it.

[RTerroni]

I have to agree with most people on here despite my sometimes flexible boundaries when it comes to out of office contact, I think that this does cross the line and will only end up bad for you.

Originally Posted by GenCat

Thank you for asking. But no I am being honest and not making a thing up about T. I haven't lied on here because what would be the point? I don't get anything out of it.

Well, GenCat, you mentioned previously feeling distant from your therapist; you wished something miraculously would happen; you said you make up tales for attention. So, based on the above reasons I had a hunch. Also, when I was younger I did the same kind thing.

Nevertheless, you said these detours that you and your therapist are taking from more traditional therapy are real for you. So, I apologize to you.

Please feel free to PM me, if you need a friend.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Sorry if I've missed this but how old are you GenCat? Are you a teenager?

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Sorry if I've missed this but how old are you GenCat? Are you a teenager?

I'm 19. Why?

[GenCat]

Newest issue that happened today: Woke up sick, told T I might not make it to session in few days if im still sick. She told me pray that I heal soon for many different reasons. (have no idea what that means) Also the whole month of April I have not paid at all, because I am a college student who struggles to pay $50 each week to see T, so I told her I couldn't come the whole month of April, she said of course you have to come and ill give you a discount for April. So today she told me my insurance came through and that I didn't have to pay anything for April and that I only needed to pay $25 each time I see her. Kinda feel strange I didn't pay her for a month and she agreed to see me without getting paid.