[monkeybrains21]

Had T yesterday and my brilliant idea to allow her to read things of mine that are very personal and I've never allowed anyone to read is making me extremely anxious. I've recently read this book so I know what's in it I keep thinking it was a mistake to allow her to read it. But I'm not just allowing her to read it, it's in her possession!!! I've parted with it for minimum 2weeks!!!! It's making me very edgy.

I don't regret it because I can't change it but still this is awful! I am so exposed and hate it. T did give me referals for pdocs but I'm so anxious right now just thought of a new person for me to talk to and expose myself to makes me physically ill!

I don't know what to do. Any encouraging comments? Or should I just get over it?

[HazelGirl]

I can understand. That exposed feeling is so scary. Hang in there.

[rothfan6]

That feeling will get easier to tolerate. Once you see your t again and probably feel more connected since your to the chance and opened up to her like this will make feeling exposed right now worth it.

[monkeybrains21]

I feel so sick and unsettled right now. I want to just go home but have work for another hr. This is awful. I'm not sure in going to expose myself to this again, I'm violently ill.

[Depletion]

aww monkey, I started giving my T a journal about therapy every week, it sucks. I feel so raw when I leave therapy now. But in away I'm glad. Its a sign that the emotions that are stuck inside and causing me problems are coming to the surface and breathing a little bit. I think that it is so brave of you to let your T see something so personal. I really do believe that it will help in the long run.

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by Depletion

aww monkey, I started giving my T a journal about therapy every week, it sucks. I feel so raw when I leave therapy now. But in away I'm glad. Its a sign that the emotions that are stuck inside and causing me problems are coming to the surface and breathing a little bit. I think that it is so brave of you to let your T see something so personal. I really do believe that it will help in the long run.

I wish it was just journaling in that book but it's a lot of a lot. Sui and violence and very graphic stories and poems. I'm even more anxious now cuz I got up the nerve to call a Pdoc to make an appt. but they closed 30min ago which nothing I researched about the place had any hrs. And the lady on the phone sounded mean. I feel even worse now than before. I wasn't even able to ask if they took my particular insurance.

I swear I will never tell someone else to suck it up and get over it ever again. This is awful. I wanna go back to last week when I felt awesome.

I have thought about sharing some I what I wrote here but didn't want to hurt anyone. I'm just trying to make it through the rest of this week and not panic. Sorry

[HazelGirl]

It's okay. You will be okay. Just breathe, and take it one day at a time. Do you have a number you can use to call your T if things get too bad?

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I wish it was just journaling in that book but it's a lot of a lot. Sui and violence and very graphic stories and poems. I'm even more anxious now cuz I got up the nerve to call a Pdoc to make an appt. but they closed 30min ago which nothing I researched about the place had any hrs. And the lady on the phone sounded mean. I feel even worse now than before. I wasn't even able to ask if they took my particular insurance.

I swear I will never tell someone else to suck it up and get over it ever again. This is awful. I wanna go back to last week when I felt awesome.

I have thought about sharing some I what I wrote here but didn't want to hurt anyone. I'm just trying to make it through the rest of this week and not panic. Sorry

Wow that does sound like a lot. I can understand you being overwhelmed. I agree with Hazel, can you contact your T, if you get too overwhelmed?

Does the psychiatrist office have a way that you can email them. I hate mean phone people too, so I like to email places when I can.

[monkeybrains21]

I don't know if they have an email, I didn't see one. I even told my partner y I feel so bad today and i never tell her when I'm super anxious or panicky. I internalize it all or at least try to and it just comes off as me being pissed.

I dunno if I can call T. She only texted today with referrals. First one she referred my partner knows and told me absolutely not. That woman dropped my partner when she was put in hospital. I found out it happens quite often with her. I'd probably be fine with all the Pdoc stuff if it weren't for that damn book isn't T take to read. My partner of 6yrs hasn't even read it.

I'll jut watch the NFL and keep my mind off of it all as much as possible. But this is really awful.

[doyoutrustme]

You did the right thing. It's hard, I know.

This show, mortified nation, might make you feel better about it. https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...rtified+nation

[monkeybrains21]

I don't think it was the smartest thing in the world, it was stupid and impulsive. What I should have done was give a little at a time and not my whole book. Had a very hard time getting to sleep then sleeping was dreadful and woke up hrs before I needed to. No alarm necessary and I get to look forward to this for almost 2weeks.

I know y'all have suggested I call T about this but I really just can't. I don't want to hear her voice. I can't stop imagining her reading this and being like wholy F. Is rather be in a violent fight for my life than this. My nerves are shot and I he to try and call the Pdoc again. I'm just at a loss. I'm sorry I don't listen to y'all very often. I'm extremely stubborn even when I know doing something else can help. I just can't force myself to act. I'm sorry

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I don't think it was the smartest thing in the world, it was stupid and impulsive. What I should have done was give a little at a time and not my whole book. Had a very hard time getting to sleep then sleeping was dreadful and woke up hrs before I needed to. No alarm necessary and I get to look forward to this for almost 2weeks.

I know y'all have suggested I call T about this but I really just can't. I don't want to hear her voice. I can't stop imagining her reading this and being like wholy F. Is rather be in a violent fight for my life than this. My nerves are shot and I he to try and call the Pdoc again. I'm just at a loss. I'm sorry I don't listen to y'all very often. I'm extremely stubborn even when I know doing something else can help. I just can't force myself to act. I'm sorry

I can understand your fear. You're paralyzed with terror over what she is thinking. Can you write down everything you're feeling, just to get it out on paper? That might help.

[monkeybrains21]

Hazel
I tried writing it down, didn't help. All I can do is try and forget while at work.

[monkeybrains21]

Well got my book back. She took notes and had a few questions. They were easy cuz I just dot remember. She didn't ask about the things I thought she'd ask about other than Sui when I was a kid. As soon as I walked in T said she had it and I stuck my hand out asking for it. And I drove home with it tight against me.

[HazelGirl]

And she didn't say you were a horribly f'ed up person, right? She wasn't appalled at what you wrote? And she didn't seem disgusted or terrified, correct?

I think those are important things to remind yourself because it will help you be more brave in the future.

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

And she didn't say you were a horribly f'ed up person, right? She wasn't appalled at what you wrote? And she didn't seem disgusted or terrified, correct?

I think those are important things to remind yourself because it will help you be more brave in the future.

No she didn't say I was f'd up. She did say well that's how I figured ud be at 14 which was when I started that book. She asked about the Sui and who I talked to about it. And I was like talked to? That has to mean someone cared and sorry but no one did. She seemed a little worried about some of it. She asked if she could ask a few things about it and I could answer yes, no, don't know, and I don't want to answer.

I have been thinking maybe I should post some here in the creative section. Just a little at a time. Haven't decided yet but I do like receiving support and educated opinions from the ppl here in this community. I don't feel very judged here.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

No she didn't say I was f'd up. She did say well that's how I figured ud be at 14 which was when I started that book. She asked about the Sui and who I talked to about it. And I was like talked to? That has to mean someone cared and sorry but no one did. She seemed a little worried about some of it. She asked if she could ask a few things about it and I could answer yes, no, don't know, and I don't want to answer.

I have been thinking maybe I should post some here in the creative section. Just a little at a time. Haven't decided yet but I do like receiving support and educated opinions from the ppl here in this community. I don't feel very judged here.

I'm glad you don't feel judged here. And I hope this experience helps you open up and be more honest with your T in the future.

[monkeybrains21]

I am a work in progress. 26yrs of being closed and not allowing others in. 2 yrs in, I just need to control my anger and irritation. I don't want my partner to be subjected to it all. I try for her