[Ambra]

Sorry for disappearing, I have no internet at my new place so I go to the library when I have time :/ you guys are always awesome and I wanted to hear your opinion about what I can do with my therapy.
I am seeing my therapist for free at the moment, until I will be able to pay her again (like in one month), because we agreed that I could continue in this transition moment. I'm struggling a bit (mmm, a lot) with abandonment and inferiority feelings.

It would be time to process trauma, now that it is causing me huge problems with relationships - that I have to rebuild from zero. Right now I'm in a particular situation that is triggering me a lot. I'm not sleeping and I think I dissociated again after 12, 13 years. I am really worried but my first reaction is to just hide away so I texted my therapist to say I'm not going at our session. Like, "dump everyone before they dump you".

Since there's a strike going on in my old city she thinks I can't go due to transportation problems so she said no problem, let me know for next week. The truth is that I had this panic moment and a very high temperature. Now temperature is gone and I would like to go to the session (I had even put my free day on therapy day, before this happened) but T is fine with not seeing me and I guess she's happy not to have a session that I won't pay. She offered them, but now I don't feel entitled at all to text her again saying I can go. I've been trying to tell her about all this for a few weeks but I didn't make it, maybe I wasn't ready to open this can of worms yet.

On one side I will miss her a lot, I really need to talk to her and tell her I'm worried, ask if this is normal, if she is angry at me, if I am poisoning her, if I am hopeless, what we can do, seek comfort etc. On the other hand I don't want to show myself like this and let her see I'm incapable of having any healthy relationship. Part of me wants to disappear forever from her perfect (?) life instead of having to make her see this junk, because it won't be good for my self esteem and I only want to show up when I can pay her back and am a better person, I know it doesn't exactly work like this, but maybe I wasn't prepared and I am sort of convincing myself that she will only be glad about me disappearing and will forget about me in some days. It's an overwhelming feeling, I don't know how to handle my state of mind right now and I feel banned from contacting her and poison her with my horror stories, like a never ending rant. I fear she will be sick of me or that she really doesn't want to hear certain things. For free.

I don't know how to bring it up and IF I can ever make it to contact her. And I don't know if I should.

Do you think I should wait next week, take a month off from therapy, wait until I feel better..? Help. :/ sorry for the mess.

Thank you.

[gayleggg]

Ambra, I'm sorry you are so torn. I think you should contact her and get this out in the open. She is there to help you. I doubt there is anything you can tell her that will surprise her. Let her help you through the terrible patch of pain. It's the only way you are going to be free of it. She offered to help, let her. I worked with counselors for a long time and never did I hear one say they wish that patient would not come back. They just wanted to help and make a difference. Please call her.

[Leah123]

I think you should just give her this post and ask to come see her.

Feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean you should act on these ones that would keep you isolated and from getting through the hard stuff you need to in order to feel much better.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am seeing my T for free for two months, and it causes so much inner turmoil. I really get it. However, it sounds like she thought you were unable to go because of transportation, and so she said that's okay (because what else is someone going to say? No, that's not okay?). I really don't think you are poisoning or hurting your T by having a few free sessions. And I do think it would be really good if you told her what was going on. I think she can reassure you that things are okay and that she doesn't feel negatively towards you about this.

[Ambra]

Thank you for replying.
I thought that things would be easier and I was really happy about my achievement with my ED, but I can't ignore this other issue anymore.
I'm so ashamed to ask for my session and talk about what is going on.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It sounds like she thought you were unable to go because of transportation, and so she said that's okay (because what else is someone going to say? No, that's not okay?). I really don't think you are poisoning or hurting your T by having a few free sessions.

Of course she wouldn't say it's not okay thinking the problem is transportation, lol.
My problem is poisoning T with csa issues now I'm not even paying her. We processed it a bit but now it has become unbearable. And I fear she doesn't want to discuss it with me especially in this moment.. so I felt like withdrawing and not show up. i don't even know if i am capable of talking about it I never make it.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Thank you for replying.
I thought that things would be easier and I was really happy about my achievement with my ED, but I can't ignore this other issue anymore.
I'm so ashamed to ask for my session and talk about what is going on.



Of course she wouldn't say it's not okay thinking the problem is transportation, lol.
My problem is poisoning T with csa issues now I'm not even paying her. We processed it a bit but now it has become unbearable. And I fear she doesn't want to discuss it with me especially in this moment.. so I felt like withdrawing and not show up. i don't even know if i am capable of talking about it I never make it.

I am sorry you're in so much pain. I do understand. But although it might feel like it, you are not poisoning your T with your past. They're pretty strong people. And I understand the wanting to withdraw, but it's so much easier if you tell her about all of this. Can you print these posts out and send them to her?

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Sweetie I am so sorry you are in so much pain. My former T did free sessions for me and also met with me on Saturdays, Sundays and holidays. When I said something about feeling guilty she reminded me that she offered, I did not ask, and that she would not be doing it if it was not something that she wanted to do. I suspect your T feels the same way. Don't ignore issues because the treatment is free. She if you can reschedule, but don't be surprised or hurt, if she has given your time slot to someone else. I did this with my T once. She has a long list of folks waiting to get in and when I said I wasn't coming she started calling. Taught me a lesson.

[Ambra]

Thanks everybody. I'll try to text her today.. have been trying since yesterday but I couldn't make up my mind. Don't really know what to say though. Let's see..

[Ambra]

Update, sorry for spamming. T replied immediately asking what time I prefer. I feel so stupid right now. I will need pocket riders for when I have to talk tomorrow then.. I hope I have the guts to say what is really bothering me this time! thank you for your very precious help.

[someone321]

I'm glad that you texted her and that you'll talk to your T already tomorrow, I'll pocket ride for you

[GeorgiaGirl413]

I'll be there too. Write down what you want to say. You can read it to her if you need to, or you can give it to her to read and then discuss it. I have done both in the past when something is particularly difficult to get out. Hugs.

[Ambra]

Thanks! I followed the advice and wrote down the things I need to say. Maybe I will ask t if she can read it herself because I always change/skip things while reading. I fear tomorrow so much because when she first found out she was speechless and then I wanted to process other things first. I fear she will reject me if I try to talk about that. I don't even want to, but I'm suddenly not well and need someone to know what is happening and tell me that I'm ok.
Thank you so so much.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thinking of you Ambra. Hope all goes/went well....