two more sleeps...

until i see my t

:-)

:-)

kt wants to buy him a goldfish
a little bitty goldfish in a plastic bag
a goldfish that has nothing but a plastic bag

and he can buy it an aquarium
and a little plastic castle
and it can brighten his office
which is really rather sterile...

and when his wife has their baby
and he takes time off to be with them
he will come in to feed the fish

won't he?

he wouldn't leave it to die

would he?

and when he goes kt can pretend that she is a fish
she is a fish
and its ok
in her castle
its ok

except it isn't because you don't give people a fish in a plastic bag
and he wouldn't come back to feed it anyway he would get his colleagues or secretary to do it

and if it died it would destroy her

Might be risky, the fishy in a bag? Maybe give him a stuffed doggy, cat, or horsey? I had Scott win me a fishy in a bag at the county fair by throwing ping pong balls at glasses of water. He finally won and I got my fishy (which he didn't want) and I let him name it since he had won it. He named it DD (Dee Dee). I asked him why and he said it stood for "Dead Duck" because all his other goldfish had always died. DD didn't die though and we had to release her in a pond 2 years later. She was bigger and happy.

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alexandra_k said:
until i see my t

:-)

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Yep. Totally relate. Saw mine last night and now I am

((alexandrak))

That's so poignant.

I don't think you'll be destroyed if you trust him. Or that he'll forget you or devalue you. Even if he can't be everything you want.

Does he know about this side of you? I would have imagined you as being a bit intimidating for a therapist because you approach things so intellectually and know so much about their profession.

Sorry if I misunderstood.

yet she is allowing this to be shared here so the possibility of sharing with him exists.....doesn't mean it HAS to take place.....just the possibility exists and is there waiting to be utilized.

kt is a very brave gal.

ak is not bad herself

fondly and proud of what you're up to and how you're facing things now...(can you believe how many years we've been reading your posts now??? scary ain't it?! and what an education for us to boot )

Hey Perna.

Yeah, I won't be buying him a fish.

I've always found goldfish hard to keep too. I went through about 5 fish before I realised it was inhumane for me to even try and keep them. I don't know what I was doing wrong.

:-)

Hey. Yeah, I know he can't be everything kt wants. Try telling her that, though... But yeah, I know. I need to see about the forgetting / devaluing thing. Trust takes time, I guess.

No, he doesn't really know about this side. I've shown him a brief glimpse before letting the numbness over-ride. On a couple of occasions now. One was about letting him see pain and tears welling briefly when I said I didn't want to go to another city because I wanted to keep seeing him. Then I let the numbness come. But he saw. He said something about 'yeah, continuity is important'. Kindly. It was okay. Need to do it slowly... I have said I don't want to talk about kt either. Because it isn't safe. He looked a little disappointed that I didn't trust him. So I said it wasn't about him, it was about another one. That I wasn't sure what he knew about her and I didn't want to upset the balance. Which is true enough.

He doesn't really see my intellectual side, either. Brief glimpses. I'm working on showing him that side too. I don't think that should be too much of a problem. Quite often training therapists see therapists while they are training. That seems to work out okay. I probably don't know as much about certain things as a training therapist would. But I don't think he knows or appreciates how much reading about theory helps me figure out what is going on for me and how much it helps me at times. I've broached some of it a little. He seems to think that rational me is a diversion from emotional mes. It might be a defence at times... But it is an important part of me too. It will take a while for that... For him to appreciate that. At the moment my little risks with rational me aren't paying off particularly. But I do understand that that is because he doesn't appreciate that rational me is an important part of me. At least rational me is capable of not taking it personally. Though I need to be a little careful with condescending feelings (is that the right word?)

So what does he see?

Mostly... Someone who can't look at him. But who tries to smile at him. All but wringing her hands with anxiety. Probably looks sad. Sad and scared. Someone who appreciates him taking the direction because she kind of freezes up like car headlights are on her if he waits expectantly for her to talk. Someone who really tries to answer his questions to the best of her ability. And tries to use them as a platform to talk more off her own bat too.

It is a slow process for me.

It is hard.

I find kt... Distasteful.

Distaste.

Hey. Yeah... I've been thinking about buying a little plastic castle and hiding it under his couch so he doesn't even know that it is there. Might stop kt crying. Might do... Only... I don't think I could sneak it in there without him seeing. He doesn't often leave me alone in his office.

I was thinking that maybe they don't actually have their own offices. He works there 2 or 3 days a week, I guess, so maybe they kind of switch the offices around depending on who is in there. There isn't a name on the door. I've been seeing him the same time and day every week. There isn't anything personal in the office. He has a laptop on the desk. No papers or anything. Maybe that is why there aren't any personal touches. I guess that what they mostly do is see people to prescribe medications too. I was wondering about the couch a little. Whether he does couch work with people. I was wondering how I would go at that. Whether I could ask him if I could give it a shot one day and see how it goes. But I think the couch is a little short for that really. Maybe he only does couch work with really short people. Lol. I think they prescribe medication mostly.

He did say something about 'we will always be in this room'... 'or mostly'. He said something like that about the second time I saw him. I had forgotten that. But I guess the notion that they just use available offices makes more sense of that. If I see him at 8am nobody is likely to beat him to that one lol.

Thanks zen.

i'm proud of you......xoxoxo pat

less than half a sleep to go...
i have to set my alarm for 5.30am in order to get in to see him at 8am
i'm a sleep at 3am wake at 10am kinda gal
so i find it hard to sleep before i see him
so only half a sleep really
just a bit less than 7 hours to go
less than a sleep and i don't feel tired yet
i can't believe it
i can't belive it

how humiliating... something is wrong with me :-(

we had a really good talk today. this guy... he used to be my supervisor. a while ago now. when i was fairly fragile. so incredably nervous of others. his opinion meant the world to me. i struggled with him, though. about whether he took me seriously. he reccomended me, though. to his colleagues. his reccomendation goes a long way. but i saw him today. was telling him about work i had been doing. work i emailed him to look at. he wasn't interested. he is interested in his stuff is all. he gave a talk. i thought he misinterpreted. i told him so. i'm bolder now. i can say what i think now. everybody else does and i've always been a quiet little mouse. far too nervous. but today i told him what i thought. he wasn't so interested in my take. polite... but not so interested.

well stuff him. i think he is wrong. i feel a paper coming on... in defence of someone who... i should be spending a couple months working with this year. i need to clarify his position. he says x and then he says not x. this guy thought he really meant x because not x is crazy. i though he really meant not x and this guy missed the point.

i'm going to send him an email. 'you seemed to say x and not x. is that right? do you think that is contradictory? if you had to give up one of those which one would you give up'?

we will see what happens. i see a publication coming on.

brilliant brilliant man. i just... find myself disagreeing. but... it is supposed to be like that isn't it? when all you have is positions and arguments positions and arguments.

:-)

Great with the previous supervisor and being able to see beyond his title/status to your own wisdom.

Hope you aren't let down after you see your T. I use to be so excited to see mine after a vacation but then things settled into the same weekly hard work and wasn't so exciting. Sometimes I worried I got so upset when she went away to make sure I was still feeling/alive since she wouldn't be there to "remind" me.