[HazelGirl]

I feel like I have wrecked everything. I feel like a total failure and like there's no way my T ever wants to see me again. I want to quit and run away and never come back. The only thing holding me there at the moment is that this may be my best shot at healing, both now and in the future.

But what if I can't be healed? What if I am broken forever? What if my T has finally realized that and is giving up on me? And what if the only way to save myself from that heartbreak is to quit first? I hate myself right now, for doing that thing wrong, and for telling her about it. I am so ashamed and guilty. I know she has to be totally sick of me and of my problems. She probably hates me, too. And has abandoned me. She is probably so angry and disappointed at me for messing up like I have rather than doing what I should be. She probably sees me as a waste of time and as a total failure. Because that's what I am, and she sees enough to know that's the case.

I am worthless and terrible. I won't ever get better and I won't ever have any worth. I hate myself and my life. I hate that even though I try to do everything right, I still end up fu*king it all up. I can't succeed at anything or improve my life at all. I am horrible and broken and wrong, totally wrong. I want to hurt myself again, and I want to die and never deal with any of this (I won't act on any of these feelings). I want to disappear, to stop existing and to stop trying. I want to give up and quit on everything, lie down like the dirt I am, and never move again.

Ugh. I hate feeling like this.

[kororain]

HazelGirl, none of those lies your brain is telling you are true. None of them.

You can't protect yourself from heartbreak. Or rejection. All you can do is face the world and show them your real self. When you do this, you might not make other people happy, but you won't be making yourself miserable like you would be if you pretended to be someone else.

All we know of each other here are our words and our minds. Nothing superficial. Only the most intimate things. All these things I know of you, I like. You are likeable. And smart. And you deserve another chance. So tell that jerk in your brain that she's a liar and none of those horrible things are true. Push them down. Tell them to stop because you aren't listening.

{{hugs}}

[Leah123]

Okay, now that you've given yourself permission to vent, I challenge you to take your healing in your own capable hands and write a rebuttal to that ridiculous, false letter you wrote above. Write a rebuttal of equal length and passion and repeat it to yourself five times.

Your therapist is on vacation. That doesn't mean she doesn't care for you or has any problem with you. I won't answer my own child on occasion as I need downtime, and I love her more than anything in the universe. It has nothing to do with her.

[HazelGirl]

I can't. Not right now. I feel so overwhelmed by this. I could sit here and write something out. But I won't believe it.

[Leah123]

You can, but are choosing not to- the thing about not believing it is that believing in yourself takes practice, so you have to practice before it works, just like any other skill. It's like sitting on the ballfield and saying, I can't hit the ball....

Gotta stand up and swing a few times before you make contact.

However, you are getting a lot of practice tearing yourself down, all this weekend in these threads. I submit that you're already quite good at this and should try my idea instead.

[HazelGirl]

You're right. I am choosing it. Because I don't believe I deserve to be happy. I don't believe I have any right or any claim to anything good. I would be lying and rewarding the bad in me if I tried to do something to improve how I felt. I deserve to feel this way.

I may send my T a text and tell her to forget about the other one, that I don't want to talk about it, and if she brings it up, I will ignore it.

[sweepy62]

I get what your saying, I suppose sometimes you have to sit with those feelings in order to process them and get them out, they are toxic.

You are processing it by posting it here, you are not any of those things you have posted, even if you don't believe it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Aloneandafraid]

I so relate to this - it is a very painful place to be in and I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of it. But you can do it HazelGirl. I know you can. You are amazingly strong and you know how you give great advice to others when they are in these situations - you can do this. Your T adores you - she is just not available at the moment. I know how much this hurts. I have been there (I am there) but you can do this. I have every faith in you. Keep posting. Thinking of you and sending love and strength. This time will pass.

[junkDNA]

a quote from another thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelGirl View Post
That would depend on the T. Just don't "mind read" and assume that she is uncomfortable or anything. It's possible that's what you were anticipating and so that's what you picked up on, whether it's reality or not..

you are able to give this advice to others, why not yourself? regarding ur texts to T while she is on vacation. i know its easier to advise others than tell ourselves the truth. i hope that you can internalize some of this advice and apply it to ur situation. hugs
__________________

[HazelGirl]

She did eventually get back to me late last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the text. It was short, and basically said that my actions were indicative of what I have been through, that she understands why I felt the way I did, and that I don't need to be ashamed. I'm really surprised she didn't make a bigger deal of it. I expected a lecture or something about how I do know how to cope with these feelings, and I shouldn't have done that. Or at least a lecture about how I should have tried to contact her or talk to someone about it. I still feel really bad. But at least I don't feel like she thinks I'm really bad. I know we will probably talk about this on Tuesday, though. And I am dreading that.

[stopdog]

Does the therapist you see often lecture you?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Does the therapist you see often lecture you?

No. But in my mind, that's one of the things that could have happened. Reality stops making a difference when I get into certain states of mind. It's like my brain blocks out anything good or that could help me, and leaves me with all the self-defeating thoughts, fears, and self-hate. It's like I get swallowed into a black hole of negativity, and there's absolutely nothing good there.

[Aloneandafraid]

Great that she replied. I hope you're feeling better? Xx

[IndestructibleGirl]

I read this earlier and wanted to reply but had to work out what I meant first.

Haven't you just recently moved into your own place? And I think I read that in general life is going quite well?

I think on top of moving into a new place being stressful, it is also worth considering that when things are going well it can set off a low buzz of anxiety, because we can be so fearful of the good things going wrong. When you are used to coping with **** for so long, you hardly dare to believe you have attained success in whatever way (big or small) and so are kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have achieved something big and exciting lately, what with making a move to your own place, so it may have triggered off some unconscious circuits of anxiety, and your brain now is rooting round, pulling out everything to see where the 'bad' is - and because there's nothing there, it's falling back on the old reliable reason, ie telling you you're no good, etc.

Except, that's not true at all. Just old circuits firing

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Great that she replied. I hope you're feeling better? Xx

Somewhat. I know she's not angry at me. But I also know we will talk about this tomorrow at my appointment, so that's really anxiety-producing.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I read this earlier and wanted to reply but had to work out what I meant first.

Haven't you just recently moved into your own place? And I think I read that in general life is going quite well?

I think on top of moving into a new place being stressful, it is also worth considering that when things are going well it can set off a low buzz of anxiety, because we can be so fearful of the good things going wrong. When you are used to coping with **** for so long, you hardly dare to believe you have attained success in whatever way (big or small) and so are kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have achieved something big and exciting lately, what with making a move to your own place, so it may have triggered off some unconscious circuits of anxiety, and your brain now is rooting round, pulling out everything to see where the 'bad' is - and because there's nothing there, it's falling back on the old reliable reason, ie telling you you're no good, etc.

Except, that's not true at all. Just old circuits firing

I don't really know the full extent of what is going on. I have a lot of stressors, and it all seems to be coming out in self-hate. What you're saying probably have a bit of truth to it, as well.