[chrys]

Hello Everyone,
I've been seeing my t for 3 years now. He's really helped me through a lot. He helped me see I didn't have to remain in an abusive relationship when I saw no way out. And he's really helped a lot with my social anxiety. BUT, this latest topic, gender dysphoria or confusion or what ever you want to call it... well, we've started talking about it. I can't look at him and talk about it. I feel like I really want his help, but I dread the office appt. Last week I was feeling kind of a wits end and called to ask for an appt, but now that its here( its today at 1:00) I'm not so sure. For 3 yrs I've told him almost everything, but now I don't want to talk to him. I don't feel like I can talk to him. I think it was a mistake to call for the appt, but I don't have the guts to cancel.
I'm just really confused about this whole gender thing. I killed it and buried it when I was a teenager. It was the part of me I've hated ever since. I'm sorry I brought it out into the light of day again and I guess I feel a little angry at my t for making it a part of our discussions.
Does everyone go back and forth about hating their t, but wanting to see them? Is it always such a seesaw of conflicting emotions? Is it ever just what a great person and I can't wait to talk to them? I mean, I do like him, and I really appreciate that he listens and helps me. I think he genuinely care about me, but its so hard to be there. Is this just how it is?

Hi Chrys, As you can see from my previous post T sessions don't always go as planned. I wish I could say something to you but my head is still blank! But I do wish you luck and if its ok for you to post and let us know how it went?

Take care.

[jacq10]

Yes i think it's natural to have these conflictin emotions towards your T. I mean if you think about it, you pretty much talk to them about everything, and i know at least in my case, my T knows things that i wouldn't want anyone else to know. It takes a lot of guts to tell your T all of this, especially if you're not comfortable with talking about it. I think thats what makes it hard because there is a part in everyone (IMO) that wants to be able to have someone they can tell everything to, and it can get a little sticky in the process, making people want to shy away or back off from the situation.
I do think that you're doing the right thing though, as hard as it is. Stick it out with your T, or if you are are still feeling really uneasy about it, tell them that you don't always want to talk about it, or if you do, that you will bring it up.
Hope this helps....
Jacq

[January]

Hi Chrys,

Sometimes great growth comes at the cost of great pain. If you literally can't talk to your t about your gender issues, can you write it down and give it to him? There are times I must do that. Also, there have been times I've had to look out the window or at a particular object because I couldn't bear to meet my t or pdoc's gaze. It works and they understand. Be patient with yourself as you would a good friend.

I wish you the very best,

Jan

[chrys]

Thanks all of you. I appreciate your words and ideas. I do email him sometimes, and I guess this might be a good time. And I do forget sometimes that he is actually pretty nice.
It wasn't as bad as I feared yesterday. I guess he knew I was having difficulty, so he asked a couple of questions to get me started. He also said he could see that I was having more difficulty with self-hatred, which is true. It felt like he didn't really push as much this week, and we kept to somewhat easier topics.
I spend a lot of time not looking at him. I was doing better with eye contact a while back, but these last two sessions I've hardly looked at him. Actually though, by the end of the session yesterday it was getting a little easier to look at him.

Could I also ask about Pdocs? I never had one before. I just started seeing one. She seems determined to give me all these medications, but I don't know that I want to be on medications. I do have social anxiety, but I deal with it. I don't know that I want meds for it. And the antidepressant, well, I'm hoping I won't be on it forever. Do I just say that to her? And how long do you have to see a Pdoc? Cause I don't really want to see her...
Thanks again, Chrys

[Perna]

I think the conflict isn't really about how you feel about your T but about what you do/do not want to discuss?

Such a difficult subject, it will probably take some time getting it out and able to discuss? I would take your time, make regular appointments and think of one or two things to say that you may or may not want to. I would try not to think about the T but about myself and the subject. It's your therapy, the T is just there to help you help yourself. I think you'd be a lot more comfortable if you didn't feel so conflicted? Doesn't really matter where the subject ends up, just discussing it will probably make you feel more comfortable with yourself in the end.

[sunrise]

I'm glad your last session went well, Chrys. I think your T sounds nice. He seemed to know when to back off. Sometimes we need a little time to come around to the hard issues.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
chrys said:
Could I also ask about Pdocs? She seems determined to give me all these medications

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's what they do. Psychologists/therapists don't usually recommend seeing a Psychiatrist unless they want you to explore the option of medications with them.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I do have social anxiety, but I deal with it. I don't know that I want meds for it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's great! Hang in there. If you need drugs later, you can always change your mind. Maybe ask your T why you were referred to the PDoc. Did your T make the referral?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And the antidepressant, well, I'm hoping I won't be on it forever. Do I just say that to her?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, just say that to her. Maybe you can ask her about the possibility of tailing off, if you feel ready. Maybe she has strong reasons why now is not a good time. You can also consult with your T on this. Just don't quit all at once, as it can cause problems.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And how long do you have to see a Pdoc? Cause I don't really want to see her...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think this is a good topic to chat with your T about. You should probably keep seeing the Pdoc, at least occasionally, as long as you are still on meds.

Good luck!
sunny

Chrys, I'm pleased you got through your session that you were dreading. Well done to you :-)