[Eliza Jane]

I've been going back and forth about whether to post and what to post. But I'm still feeling lousy, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

So, I've been seeing my T for 6 years (and I saw another t in a different state for 6 years prior to her). Occasionally, she has had "kick me in the butt" conversations to try to get me to work harder or change. I'm kind of okay with that. We sort of had that type of session last Wednesday, but it was worse than the previous times. This time, she said that she isn't really sure how to help me, but she's willing to keep trying and working with me. She also said that she thinks I'm actually getting worse rather than better. She said that sometimes it feels like a paid friendship, but then said "no, that's not really fair." But, she couldn't un-say it and it hurt.

I feel like such a total loser and a fool. What is wrong with me? I talked to her about it during the session and she tried to make me feel better but it didn't work. I suppose we'll talk about it tomorrow some more.

I don't know what to do. I don't want a new T because I trust this one and feel safe with her. Is it possible to get a second opinion in therapy? Like I'd go see someone who then could talk to my T. I've done that with pdocs in the past. I don't know how that would work though. How could they get enough history in an hour? Has anyone on here done this?

Any wisdom from anyone on here? I have been so depressed this week.

[HazelGirl]

It honestly sounds like you and your T need to take a step back and reevaluate goals and why you're in therapy.

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It honestly sounds like you and your T need to take a step back and reevaluate goals and why you're in therapy.

We talked about goals and we see eye to eye on them, but just don't know how to get me there. It is mostly run of the mill relationship stuff. Where I'm too afraid to assert myself and crap like that. And my horrible self-esteem.

I just feel hopeless.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

We talked about goals and we see eye to eye on them, but just don't know how to get me there. It is mostly run of the mill relationship stuff. Where I'm too afraid to assert myself and crap like that. And my horrible self-esteem.

I just feel hopeless.

What method does your T use? CBT?

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

What method does your T use? CBT?

No, I'd say she's more psychodynamic. I don't really respond well to the CBT stuff.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

No, I'd say she's more psychodynamic. I don't really respond well to the CBT stuff.

Hmm...what has worked for you in the past? What techniques or assignments?

[Eliza Jane]

That's a good question. I'm feeling gloomy so my first reaction is "nothing." But I think I have progressed in some ways, even though the growth has been painfully slow and "two steps forward one step back." It has helped me to have some insight into why I do what I do and to identify what I'm doing that is harmful. But I get stuck on the action steps. It doesn't work if she tells me what to do, I have to work with her to develop a tiny goal. We both get frustrated that I tend to return to my maladaptive ways.

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[growlycat]

You could get a third party T for a consultation. However, there is the risk that 3rd party T may advise you to get a new T altogether.

It may not be you, maybe her skill set isn't right for you?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

That's a good question. I'm feeling gloomy so my first reaction is "nothing." But I think I have progressed in some ways, even though the growth has been painfully slow and "two steps forward one step back." It has helped me to have some insight into why I do what I do and to identify what I'm doing that is harmful. But I get stuck on the action steps. It doesn't work if she tells me what to do, I have to work with her to develop a tiny goal. We both get frustrated that I tend to return to my maladaptive ways.

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This sounds like you just need to mix it up with T's and T styles. Why do you have low self-esteem?

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

This sounds like you just need to mix it up with T's and T styles. Why do you have low self-esteem?

Critical parents then a bad relationship that made it all worse.

I don't even have interesting problems.

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[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Eliza Jane

Critical parents then a bad relationship that made it all worse.

I don't even have interesting problems.

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I think they're definitely legitimate problems. Have you done work surrounding that past, such as trauma work?

[NWgirl2013]

Can I say something here? I am wondering what it is about your run of the mill, "uninteresting problems" that holds you with such rapt attention? You appear to be in circle mode to me, that is, circling back to the same thing ad nauseum with no resolution. That must be exhausting for you.

I know you have been doing this for a long time which makes me think, and this is MHO, that you need to take a break from the T, any T, for awhile. It seems to keep you in the loop of thinking about your problems. Even you say they are not interesting, so maybe, you are getting tired of them and talking about them?

I have found this to be true for myself, and the tool I use to move through and passed anything I face, is to write. I write about a thing, sometimes hours or days or weeks or months, until I have nothing left to say about it. Then I can leave it there on the paper and stop carrying it around. If I have another thought at some point, I add it in there with the others. I see myself having a different perspective after awhile and I get Very Tired of hearing myself go over and over (and over) a thing. So I try to resolve what it is about the problem that keeps me talking about it to myself. Does any of this make sense to you or are you feeling able to take charge of your own stuff for awhile and do a little sorting on your own? Then return to a T if necessary to share what you've been working on.

I am only telling you my experience because you sound like me at an early point in my life, and I thought you might like to know that, at the end of the day, you are in charge of this thing. You are the one who will ultimately make the healing happen... I say this with as much care as I can get onto the screen... I hope you feel that.

I wish only the best to you as you work toward your goals...

[clinpsycstudent]

Hi!

This certainly must be an exhausting time for you - I can understand why it would have hurt for your T to say the "paid friendship" comment. In fact, it just makes it all the more confusing when your own T is confused too! That puts the client in a difficult spot with their feelings - as it is difficult to know where to take the next step.

I think echoing some of what has been said above - perhaps talking to another professional about the therapeutic relationship and the next step to take could be beneficial - someone that can see the situation from a fresh pair of eyes. At the same time, it will be you taking a stand for your needs and validating these - they are important and valuable. It will take small steps - but you will be moving forward in a direction that seems clearer for you. It's OK if things tend to relapse now and again - I always say it is the body's way of trying to get back into old habits - sometimes it doesn't even realise they are maladaptive!

I hope this helps. Be kind to your feelings and yourself - keep strong

ClinPsycStudent

[Eliza Jane]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond.

HazelGirl, some trauma work, but maybe not enough. Worth revisiting perhaps.

NWgirl, I see your point, but I don't think I am strong enough to take a complete break.

Clinpsy, thanks for your support.

Update: Had a session again yesterday and talked about the situation a little more. I feel a little better. I think she was reassuring with how she felt about me and how she wasn't going to abandon me. Because I was feeling tons of shame and my fear of abandonment was kicked into high gear. She did seem to really rely on my to fix the problem and come up with a new approach. I wasn't quite sure to do that because, after all, she's the T here!

I didn't mention the idea of getting a consultation yet. I considered it, but then backed off because I didn't want to offend her. I think I was secretly hoping she would come up with that idea herself. But, now that I feel a little reassured I think I can bring it up next time. I also have been reflecting a little since the appt and have some "mini-strategies" which might help.

Thanks again, folks.

[Lauliza]

It does sound like your current plan has hit a plateau and both your T and you are frustrated. Sticking with the current plan isn't likely to change anything, so you could either check out a different T, or talk to your current T and discuss changing the approach a bit.

I do understand how you feel. My pdoc called me out on "talking in circles" a few years back and it felt pretty bad. However, it did work. He is a kick you in the pants person too and so is my Therapist. Both are psychodynamic but also use elements of CBT.

Do you think you are less fond of CBT type therapies because of the demands it puts on you? I've been in treatment on and off for over 25 years, and while psychodynamic therapy does help with feeling heard and validated, for me it wasn't helpful with my low self esteem and relationships. Like you, those things seemed to get worse. the first time I tried CBT I hated it and quit. It took me too far out of my comfort zone. But then going back into T 5 years ago, tried it again and had a better reaction. My therapy is a mash up of what ever works, nothing rigid at all. It might be worth it to go over what your goals in therapy are, if you are ready for significant changes in your life and how you should go about pursuing them.

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

It does sound like your current plan has hit a plateau and both your T and you are frustrated. Sticking with the current plan isn't likely to change anything, so you could either check out a different T, or talk to your current T and discuss changing the approach a bit.

I do understand how you feel. My pdoc called me out on "talking in circles" a few years back and it felt pretty bad. However, it did work. He is a kick you in the pants person too and so is my Therapist. Both are psychodynamic but also use elements of CBT.

Do you think you are less fond of CBT type therapies because of the demands it puts on you? I've been in treatment on and off for over 25 years, and while psychodynamic therapy does help with feeling heard and validated, for me it wasn't helpful with my low self esteem and relationships. Like you, those things seemed to get worse. the first time I tried CBT I hated it and quit. It took me too far out of my comfort zone. But then going back into T 5 years ago, tried it again and had a better reaction. My therapy is a mash up of what ever works, nothing rigid at all. It might be worth it to go over what your goals in therapy are, if you are ready for significant changes in your life and how you should go about pursuing them.

I had a CBT T in college for about a semester. It just seemed so simplistic to me and it didn't feel like it was helping much. Maybe a little too "surface-y"? It could be that she just wasn't good at what she did...

I'd say my current T pulls stuff in from different things and is open to it.