[HazelGirl]

I'm so sorry for posting so much recently. I just feel so all over the place.

I don't know how I can feel so close to my T, and yet be so terrified of her. How does that even happen? It feels like so much tension, and every little thing from her either sends me in one direction or the other. I don't feel like I am consistent in what I think about her, even though she is incredibly consistent. How does this freaking relationship cause so much inner conflict? It feels like she has a magic wand or something.

I feel like I miss her so much in between appointments. Yet, I am also terrified of seeing her every single week. I feel like I am super close to her and yet like she's a million miles away. I feel like she knows me so well and yet like she's totally clueless about anything relating to me. I don't get it!!! How is this possible? Can't I just either love her or hate her?

When I first started going to therapy, I found myself struggling because I couldn't put her in a "box". I tend to organize my relationships into these boxes, where they are confined by what I am willing to share about myself, based on the other person. It's never based on what I want or need, but only based on what would make other people like me. But in therapy, everything is flipped. I don't have a box for this. She doesn't give me any hints or social cues about what she wants from me, she just allows me to be me. If it's messy and difficult, that's fine. If it's all put together and okay, that's fine. If it's something else, that's fine, too. And that's so scary because I don't know when I will do something that's not okay. I am not used to this!

[HazelGirl]

I'm sure y'all have heard more than enough from me recently, I know. I just find here to be a good place to say what I could not say to any of the people in my life because they wouldn't get it.

[precaryous]

HG, have you asked her, "what can I say in therapy?" "Is there anything I might say that would make you mad(at me)?" "Is there anything I might say that would make you terminate me?" "Where are the boundaries in therapy?"

HG, you drive therapy. If you are all over the place, that's fine. It's her job to keep up and help you make sense of things. <3

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I'm sure y'all have heard more than enough from me recently, I know. I just find here to be a good place to say what I could not say to any of the people in my life because they wouldn't get it.

Post as much as you want. I find your posts relevant and am going through many of the same issues.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by precaryous

HG, have you asked her, "what can I say in therapy?" "Is there anything I might say that would make you mad(at me)?" "Is there anything I might say that would make you terminate me?" "Where are the boundaries in therapy?"

HG, you drive therapy. If you are all over the place, that's fine. It's her job to keep up and help you make sense of things. <3

Yes, she has said that the answers to those questions is "nothing". But that's so much more scary than having set things I can't say or do. I am sure if I came to an appointment with a loaded gun or threatened her or something, those wouldn't be allowed. But I would never do something like that. She is ridiculously patient and consistent and always just there. And it makes me more upset when I feel afraid because I know logically that I shouldn't feel that way, and I have no reason to.

[nottrustin]

I may be wrong but it sounds to me like you are not use to people who accept you for who you are. So now you are afraid to be you for fear that she will be like everybody else even though she says otherwise....I could totally be way off base though

[Raging Quiet]

You sound similar to me. I'm sorry I can't give you any advice as we are both in a similar boat.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I may be wrong but it sounds to me like you are not use to people who accept you for who you are. So now you are afraid to be you for fear that she will be like everybody else even though she says otherwise....I could totally be way off base though

I know this is exactly it. My T and I have talked about it before. And I know I am just sitting around waiting for her to be like everyone else, put conditions on her care and acceptance. I don't know what it's like to be cared about with nothing in return. And that's so overwhelming to me. I feel like she should hate me by now. She has seen so many awful things that are inside me. Why doesn't she label me like I label myself, as horrible? And even when I'm at my worst, she doesn't reject me. It makes me incredibly grateful, and yet terrified.

thanks for what you've been writing here. You're doing a lot of work in therapy lately.

[sweepy62]

Dont be sorry, you are going through an EMOTIONAL THERAPEUTIC ROLLERCOASTER right now, you can post all day if you want to, you are here all the time for us, we are here for you now.

[HazelGirl]

Thanks.

I really want to just text her and tell her that she means a lot to me and that I'm grateful for her, but that makes me nervous, haha.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Hazelgirl. I just wanted to tell you that I love reading your posts. Please don't apologize for posting. It is so very reassuring for me at the moment especially since we seem to be going through very similar issues at the same time. You are amazingly articulate and I can't begin to express how reassuring your posts have been to me especially over the past two or three weeks. I am on this emotional roller coaster too. I feel exactly the same way as you do. I have text my T tonight telling her how grateful I am to her for her continued support and basically for,just showing up each week and now I feel so needy and desperate - I hate it and I don't know why I did it. I needed to reach out. I needed a connection. I adore her but I am petrified of her reaction. I am sure she will terminate me because I am too demanding and needy. I just think about her all the time. Surely this is unhealthy?

You are amazing and have made so much progress these past two weeks. I am so grateful to you for sharing your journey and if it helps you to write here then that's even better!

Please keep posting and don't worry about how much - just keep posting.

Much love.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi Hazelgirl. I just wanted to tell you that I love reading your posts. Please don't apologize for posting. It is so very reassuring for me at the moment especially since we seem to be going through very similar issues at the same time. You are amazingly articulate and I can't begin to express how reassuring your posts have been to me especially over the past two or three weeks. I am on this emotional roller coaster too. I feel exactly the same way as you do. I have text my T tonight telling her how grateful I am to her for her continued support and basically for,just showing up each week and now I feel so needy and desperate - I hate it and I don't know why I did it. I needed to reach out. I needed a connection. I adore her but I am petrified of her reaction. I am sure she will terminate me because I am too demanding and needy. I just think about her all the time. Surely this is unhealthy?

You are amazing and have made so much progress these past two weeks. I am so grateful to you for sharing your journey and if it helps you to write here then that's even better!

Please keep posting and don't worry about how much - just keep posting.

Much love.

Thank you. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. So it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one, although I am sorry you're suffering as well.

[HazelGirl]

I did end up sending her a text saying I appreciate her and am grateful that she is there for me all the time. I know she's okay with things like that, but it still makes me nervous to do that.

[Bill3]

I welcome your threads and you are not posting too much.

[granite1]

I could have written this post . I completely get how confusing the relationship with your T can be . and keep posting I would miss you