[SoupDragon]

Although my father is dead, he has had a hold on me for most of my life and I realised that did not stop with his death.

I realise that he is always "with me" and finally shared this with my T.

My T thinks we should look at that together - to let my dad "speak" to T, to stop him being in control of me - I understand logically why this may be useful for me, but that bit of me that is caught up with my father finds the whole thing terrifying. It feels like there is to be a battle between my father and my T and I will be stuck in the middle of it. I feel disloyal, that I can't abandon my father, that he will be angry with me for talking with T about him - maybe I am scared that he will abandon me.

It all seems so weird just writing it down, he's dead afterall, yet this issue does exist within me and feels so real.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[HazelGirl]

Yes. I don't know the answer, but I do relate a lot.

[kororain]

Yes. My dad died 10 years ago. June 1st was my 10th Dead Dad-iversary. That was the day I decided I'm done letting him rule my thoughts.

Literally, every single decision I made, I weighed whether or not he would approve. I weighed whether he would find things worthwhile or worthless, and I missed out on so many things because I thought he would find them worthless. I punished myself every day for not being good enough. Not being worthy.

He would NEVER approve of therapy. Never, ever. Every time I walk through T's door, I am betraying him. It's not an easy thing.

And people think I was his favorite. So it's not like he disliked me, or even really mistreated me. I was just never sure he loved me. Right?

So anyway, it's June 12. 12 days of making my own decisions.

You can do it.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Hazelgirl and kororain.

I never even realised to a couple of weeks ago that I felt like this, but he seems to have grown so big in my head.

I only realised when T was asking about trust in the sessions and I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I did trust T, but that my father was always there with me and it was him that I didn't trust.

Now it seems like such a big thing and my father is becoming clearer and clearer in my head - I can picture him sitting in T's room - I know that they would have a huge row about me - actually T said he wanted to talk with him.

I am glad you have managed to have 10 days free of that control kororain and thank-you for the encouragement.

Do you have to work at it? Is your T helping you?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Although my father is dead, he has had a hold on me for most of my life and I realised that did not stop with his death.

I realise that he is always "with me" and finally shared this with my T.

My T thinks we should look at that together - to let my dad "speak" to T, to stop him being in control of me - I understand logically why this may be useful for me, but that bit of me that is caught up with my father finds the whole thing terrifying. It feels like there is to be a battle between my father and my T and I will be stuck in the middle of it. I feel disloyal, that I can't abandon my father, that he will be angry with me for talking with T about him - maybe I am scared that he will abandon me.

It all seems so weird just writing it down, he's dead afterall, yet this issue does exist within me and feels so real.

Has anyone else experienced this?

do you mean something like you have an alternate personality or other state of mind that has taken on the role that your dad used to have in your life...putting you down, threatening you, acting out abuses on you telling you things that your dad would have said if your dad was alive? this is called having an introject. its like having an alternate personality but slightly different....

examples....I was abused in a mineshaft in some very horrible ways. this resulted in my having another state of mind similar to DID type alters that when in that mind frame I would have no control over what happened... I would hear voices of this introject saying the same emotional abusive talk my abusers did, and acting out those abuses that my abusers did to me on the body.

sometimes during therapy this introject would take control and talk with my therapist about what had happened to me, what their role in my internal system of alters was, and that introject finally integrated with me because their job, purpose reason for being created was no more.

or do you mean you and your dad were so close that you know what he would say and do if he were alive today..

I was looking in a store window and saw a guitar. I thought that is just like my daddy's. suddenly as if my daddy were here I heard the words...well looky here bright eyes, one just your size, what say we get us a guitar. I went in and bought that guitar. I took the guitar to my therapy session and told her my daddy has something to say. I sat down, closed my eyes, thought of my daddy and played one of my dads favorite songs. my therapist smiled and said any time your daddy has something to say, he's welcome here.

in my culture its believed we carry a part of those we love and our ancestors with in ourselves. kind of like religions teach things like carry/invite jesus in your heart, that those who die have ever lasting life, that those we love live on in everyone they had contact with through memories......which is different than having alternate personalities/ ego states/ introjects...

I will always carry my daddy, others I know that are now walking in the spirit world with in me, I have the memories of them, stories told to me by the elders of the ancestors.....but how I react/act when those memories/ stories get triggered in me (most people cal this flashback / or channeling / ....) can change if I want it to. I love the fact that when something in the here and now "brings" those from the spirit world into my present. and through me like I did with the guitar, many have attended therapy with me.

my suggestion talk with your treatment provider let them know what your fears are and that you now feel like this is a power struggle and you dont want to be in the middle. your treatment provider can help make this situation a safe one for you and your daddy.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Although my father is dead, he has had a hold on me for most of my life and I realised that did not stop with his death.

I realise that he is always "with me" and finally shared this with my T.

My T thinks we should look at that together - to let my dad "speak" to T, to stop him being in control of me - I understand logically why this may be useful for me, but that bit of me that is caught up with my father finds the whole thing terrifying. It feels like there is to be a battle between my father and my T and I will be stuck in the middle of it. I feel disloyal, that I can't abandon my father, that he will be angry with me for talking with T about him - maybe I am scared that he will abandon me.

It all seems so weird just writing it down, he's dead afterall, yet this issue does exist within me and feels so real.

Has anyone else experienced this?

It's scary, all right.

Letting your dad speak to T is an idea I haven't met before.
I am more familiar with letting T be your dad, or putting your dad in an empty chair.

[Wysteria]

Hey Souper,
I've read this thread a number of times....it keeps sticking with me, so if you don't mind I'd like to just say that at times in your OR....you say words that imply you are your Dad's protector, mediator, abused daughter, daughter and parent, you're in his grip, and yet you want to "get rid" of him in your head...so very confusing the roles and responsibilities and rights...

Yet, you know your T is strong and safe and your roles are defined and he ONLY has YOUR best interest at heart. He wants you to be free to be the adult daughter and have the rights to set your own boundaries in this relationship with your Dad's memory. You have that right and the power within you to do just that...Things seem big because you were little when many of these memories were formed.

I have to say, I think I would want to sit next to T and allow him to "deal with" your father and help you set healthy boundaries of exactly how much influence he has over you.....I would have faith in your T to be there with you and lead you, and to "handle" your father. There is no reason to be "in the middle"...your T can deal with it all and keep you safe until you take your power and control that you need. Your safety is all that is important. You can do this...with your T.

I hope this makes some sense...
Gentle hugs,
Wysteria Blue

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Although my father is dead, he has had a hold on me for most of my life and I realised that did not stop with his death.

I realise that he is always "with me" and finally shared this with my T.

My T thinks we should look at that together - to let my dad "speak" to T, to stop him being in control of me - I understand logically why this may be useful for me, but that bit of me that is caught up with my father finds the whole thing terrifying. It feels like there is to be a battle between my father and my T and I will be stuck in the middle of it. I feel disloyal, that I can't abandon my father, that he will be angry with me for talking with T about him - maybe I am scared that he will abandon me.

It all seems so weird just writing it down, he's dead afterall, yet this issue does exist within me and feels so real.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Your feelings about this are exactly the same ones I had almost word for word when I dealt with this. In my case it was my mom, and she is alive.

Mom was so powerful in the room going after my Therapists in a figurative sense. The images of her in the room with a rifle ready to shoot my therapist for interfering with her right to parent — badly — came with Mussolini and hitler on her side. My therapist fed me the dialogue to fight her, because I just did a lot of whining, screaming, and clinging onto to my Therapist for dear life, even though I was trying to protect my Therapist. It took a number of sessions over several months time for my Therapist and me to finally win out. We did have a an imaginary place to put her so I wouldn't freak when I was out of session, and sometimes in session. I wanted to send her to a concentration camp or the Russian Gulag, but I know she would have haunted me from there, so I got her on a luxurious private jet, and set her up, at the most well appointed hotel Japan has to offer. Anytime she came back to interfere with therapy we would get her to the hotel, and eventually she could be in the room as long as she behaved herself, and she learned how, and eventually she, her rifle, and her companions never came back to MY THERAPY! I still have these sessions on several audio tapes, and as I review them I can now laugh with that little girl about the fears she use to have of MOTHER.

My mom has dementia that progresses each time I see her, and I love her dearly, yet it is hard for me to believe that this is the same lady that had me quaking in my boots for five decades. Dad wants to take over where she left off, but the process allows you to put many in the right perspective at later dates.

It will be hard, and many times torturous. You may fill like a sellout to your dad your family. You are not. I admire you for going back to your therapist to do the real hard work. Trust her to get you through this's process. Good luck to you, SoupD!

PS: no quitting in the middle of it.