Here's the test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

It only takes about 5 minutes.

I scored very high anxiety, pre-occupied. I already knew that!
But I'm going to talk to my therapist about this. I answered based on my last romantic relationship rather than my relationship with him.

The test results will place you on a point within the scale below.

[kaliope]

that's for that......I was low anxiety..i came up as dismissing...no wonder why I am alone..lol

I am fearful avoidant Lol

My attachment style is secure.

[waiting4]

High anxiety / preoccupied...so I don't mind getting close, I'm just afraid if I do, he'll leave anyway. Yep. That's me. (sigh)

[Leah123]

2014-04-25_1606 -

Secure, apparently. I always figured a 15 year marriage must be good for something, haha. No seriously, I've found marriage very stabilizing, no surprise, but I agree it's only relevant to romantic relationships and I'm not putting too much stock in it, was conducted by one seemingly reputable person, but that's still not too much.

[unaluna]

I answered it in terms of how did i FEEL, or how did i THINK i would feel, or how did i FEEL i would feel? I took this a few years ago too, and i feel like im in a different place now. I was very afraid before, even just of regular friends. But now im secURE!!

[stopdog]

"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 1.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 4.33, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). "

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 1.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 4.33, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). "

Hey i think your scores changed too. Its gettin all touchy feelly all up in heah.

Originally Posted by hankster

I answered it in terms of how did i FEEL, or how did i THINK i would feel, or how did i FEEL i would feel? I took this a few years ago too, and i feel like im in a different place now. I was very afraid before, even just of regular friends. But now im secURE!!

It sounds like you've been doing good work with a really good therapist.

[stopdog]

Nah. I am still all dismissive.

Even on this. See I am even dismissing your suggestion.

[tealBumblebee]

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

Wow, that was interesting. I took that test before and this time I was MUCH closer to the middle.

[growlycat]

I thought for sure i'd fall under preoccupied. Nope. Fearful/avoidant for me.

[Depletion]

So I answered all of these questions with regarded to my current romantic relationship (5 years). Which I think has been very healthy, and the answer came out secure. But I'm sure if I replaced romantic relationship with friendship it would be another story. I'm terribly anxious in friendships, and really barely function in them at all. Romantic relationships are just so much easier for me for some reason. I wish I knew how to translate the knowledge into friendship.

[dark_sweetie]

preoccupied over here. :c

The test doesn't seem to apply to me, but I took it anyway. Since I have only ever had one relationship, I can't answer about relationships in general, only about the one I am in, and I guess that's why the result does not seem to apply very well. (Fairly low anxiety, extremely high avoidant. I think that's a pretty judgmental term to apply to a person who simply wants to keep my private life to myself. I would like to live in a relationship where I could talk about things that bother me, but that is not in the hand I have dealt myself.)

It is rather amusing how much we take things that depend on current social conventions for granted. 100 years ago, 200 years ago, it would be completely normal to not confide one's worries to one's partner. Many people did, I'm sure, but many people did not, and there was no societal judgment of those.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

The test doesn't seem to apply to me, but I took it anyway. Since I have only ever had one relationship, I can't answer about relationships in general, only about the one I am in, and I guess that's why the result does not seem to apply very well. (Fairly low anxiety, extremely high avoidant. I think that's a pretty judgmental term to apply to a person who simply wants to keep my private life to myself. I would like to live in a relationship where I could talk about things that bother me, but that is not in the hand I have dealt myself.)

It is rather amusing how much we take things that depend on current social conventions for granted. 100 years ago, 200 years ago, it would be completely normal to not confide one's worries to one's partner. Many people did, I'm sure, but many people did not, and there was no societal judgment of those.

But many people during that period did have very close friendships--friendships that would seem very romantic to us to day. These kinds of friendships between women were termed Boston Marriages. Here's a Wikipedia article if your curious Boston marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
and they also seemed to happen between men. Some people speculate that Abe Lincoln's close relationships with other men may not have been an indication of his sexuality, but were a certain kind of close friendship that was common in 19th century culture. Here'a link about that if you are curious too. Boston marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

At any rate I think that its important to have someone close to you to confide things in--someone who understands you. Therapists do a lot of this work today, and I kind of thing that's too bad. Sure culture have always had healers of the emotional/spiritual nature, but I think there's a problem when therapy becomes the place where you are supposed to go and "deal with" your emotions, so that you can function in the rest of society.

Originally Posted by Depletion

But many people during that period did have very close friendships--friendships that would seem very romantic to us to day. These kinds of friendships between women were termed Boston Marriages. Here's a Wikipedia article if your curious Boston marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
and they also seemed to happen between men. Some people speculate that Abe Lincoln's close relationships with other men may not have been an indication of his sexuality, but were a certain kind of close friendship that was common in 19th century culture. Here'a link about that if you are curious too. Boston marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

I'm sorry - I think I was unclear. I was only talking about closeness in romantic/life relationships such as marriage. The questions in the test referred to "romantic partner" or "my partner", and I have a feeling that there is an expectation that once you have a romantic partner, that is the person you are supposed to share your innermost thoughts with. Even here at PC, some of the "expert" (for want of a better term) blogs make this statement as if it were a law of nature, and I have seen the claim made that a marriage where there is no such sharing is automatically inferior.

Close friendships is another thing. I have no doubt that those have existed for as long as human languages have existed.

Originally Posted by Depletion

At any rate I think that its important to have someone close to you to confide things in--someone who understands you. Therapists do a lot of this work today, and I kind of thing that's too bad. Sure culture have always had healers of the emotional/spiritual nature, but I think there's a problem when therapy becomes the place where you are supposed to go and "deal with" your emotions, so that you can function in the rest of society.

I don't know that that is necessarily a bad thing, actually. I don't know what kind of things most people talk about with close friends, though.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I'm sorry - I think I was unclear. I was only talking about closeness in romantic/life relationships such as marriage. The questions in the test referred to "romantic partner" or "my partner", and I have a feeling that there is an expectation that once you have a romantic partner, that is the person you are supposed to share your innermost thoughts with. Even here at PC, some of the "expert" (for want of a better term) blogs make this statement as if it were a law of nature, and I have seen the claim made that a marriage where there is no such sharing is automatically inferior.

Close friendships is another thing. I have no doubt that those have existed for as long as human languages have existed.


I don't know that that is necessarily a bad thing, actually. I don't know what kind of things most people talk about with close friends, though.

I just meant that it is important to have relationship where you can be open and honest. And your right that marriage has served other functions historically, but that during those times people used other venues, such as these unique kinds of friendships to confide in. The Boston marriages I referred to were quite unusual. They were more affectionate than traditional friendships with the parties often sharing beds and writing to one another in often romantic ways. I guess what I was trying to explain was that some of these relationships fulfilled the emotional component that we traditionally think of marriages as having. So my point was that I think it can be very helpful to have a loving relationship where you feel comfortable enough to confide in another person. I don't think that it has to be a spouse (although I think the level of emotional investment, or expectation should be equitable in that relationship), but I think its better when people have someone in their life who fulfills that need. I guess I was just concerned that you might not want to have that kind of emotional relationship with anyone. But I do think it messed up to think that kind of emotional confide ought to, and can only happen with a spouse.

I'm sorry but I really do have to disagree with you about the way people think of therapy in general. I think that assuming that therapy is a place where you can take your stuff and fix it so that no one else has to deal with it is a messed up idea that leads to a larger break down in emotional connection. To me one of the goals of therapy is to learn how to connect better so that I can build a support system. Therapy may be a part of that support system, but I hope very much that it is not the only part (eventually).

[SabinaS]

Anxiously avoidant over here

[granite1]

fearful avoidant here

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.28, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space.

Guess that's how I've been married for 16 years!

I have found what you said Depletion to be true of me after 2.5 years of therapy with current T:

"To me one of the goals of therapy is to learn how to connect better so that I can build a support system." My marriage has become stronger since I started this process, and in the last 7 months especially I have begun letting other people in too - friends at work who have always shown they wanted to be supportive but I couldn't "let them in" and now I've begun to do that, and as I do that I can support them now in turn as well, and also have been making new friends completely outside of work (which I never had done before in my entire adult life!) based on mutual interests and who I am AM as a real person.

Originally Posted by Depletion

So my point was that I think it can be very helpful to have a loving relationship where you feel comfortable enough to confide in another person.

Well, yes, I am sure it could. Not really an option for me personally, but I am certain that you are right.

Originally Posted by Depletion

I'm sorry but I really do have to disagree with you about the way people think of therapy in general. I think that assuming that therapy is a place where you can take your stuff and fix it so that no one else has to deal with it is a messed up idea that leads to a larger break down in emotional connection. To me one of the goals of therapy is to learn how to connect better so that I can build a support system. Therapy may be a part of that support system, but I hope very much that it is not the only part (eventually).

Did I imply that I think that's how people in general think of therapy? If so, I'm sorry. I am not having a very coherent day today, apparently... I don't presume to know what people in general think of therapy. I have read enough of what people on these boards think (even though I don't think this is a particularly representative population, all the opinions of people here are equally valid) to know that many people definitely don't think that therapy is a way to get out of having an external support system. I know that many people here have been able to build stronger relationships with friends and family because they have been in therapy, and it seems to be a good thing for them.

[nottrustin]

I got secure which is actually funny I am VERY insecure when it comes to relationships. However, I met an amazing man who I have learned to trust completely seeing that today is the 23th anniversary of our first date.