Continued from https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...part-xxii.html

Dear t: i am glad you answered when i called earlier...

[lucozader]

I sometimes wish I knew more of your feelings about me. I know you tell me a bit but I guess there's stuff you don't say to me. How do you really feel about me?

[lucozader]

Like Watson and Crick
You seem to look
Into my soul
And though my DNA
Is too small for your scope
You make it much deeper
Hydrogen bursts
Inside a star
Don't mean a lot
From whereabouts we are
It's too far for your scope
But you make it much further
Code breaker
I've searched around
Here for the key
But I'm blind to it
And quantum theorists tell me
They've never seen the likes of your radar
Code breaker

[junkDNA]

You said to me

"I don't know if comforting and supporting you through this is helpful"

So I said okay, and agreed to what u think is best

Then after I leave I get 2 texts from you...comforting and supporting me.

Can you see my confusion ,do you even get it?
Are you playing.mind games on me?

Or are you just as confused

[Ambra]

Dear T, so you walked with me in the storm. Did you like it? I didn't think you would, but you did. All these years you never left, even when I was at my worst and made you so defensive! I have to say I was quite delighted to see you feeling bad at least one fifth of what I felt when misunderstood. It was horrible and I'm sorry, but it really did help (a lot) to realize you have feelings too and can be hurt as much as I do. It made me grow up in a sense, I don't want to be always protected as a patient: I wanted support, but I came to face hurtful things - and learned the art of respect and compassion. I feel I'm FINALLY leading towards a safe, healthy attachment.
I value your admitting you forgot something without hiding it with some cheap excuse and your rare ability to rush around the table to hug me trusting your guts, not always checking the "guidelines-for-hugs/cry/laughter-in-therapy" book for the Perfect Therapist. Thanks for your unique mix of mind and heart. And thanks for T2.
P.S. if you'll ask me once again if I want you to come to my checks I'll say yes, so be careful with what you offer to do - you might not wanna see my new stoma, lol.

[velcro003]

Hey T--

Possible trigger:

i took my band-aids after work today to look at my cuts. I really did cut deeper than ever before last night. Drunkenness + hysterics = cutting that most definitely will scar YET, i got great satisfaction today every time i bent or sat down, i could feel the pain. what is wrong with me?

[healed84]

T,

You are a good t... and even though I tell you I wish you would go ahead and be jerk already, I appreciate how patient and understanding you are with me.

But- this I am too busy to respond back to anything- emails, text messages, you didn't even listen to my that one time. Is starting to really piss me off. You always tell me to contact you if needed, but you rarely respond. What is the point? Gah!

Hey t. I'm remembering tonight one of my favorite of your responses - when i said "you're weird" about something you replied "thank god!" and i do. Oh how i do.

[MBM17]

I kind of wish I could talk to you tonight.

[ScarletPimpernel]

T,
Thank you for all the reassurance today. It really helped. I'm still a little scared that you will leave, but I do trust you more now that I understand why you're doing all of this. Hopefully, I can hang onto this new little bit of hope.

I realised last night that what I mean when I say I trust you completely is not that I trust you to do whatever I need, but that I trust you never, ever to say one thing and do another. I trust that if you can't do something you will say so. You'd never lead me to believe you could then hurt me. The trust is an important part of why progress in therapy is possible. So never change, will you?

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I realised last night that what I mean when I say I trust you completely is not that I trust you to do whatever I need, but that I trust you never, ever to say one thing and do another. I trust that if you can't do something you will say so. You'd never lead me to believe you could then hurt me. The trust is an important part of why progress in therapy is possible. So never change, will you?

I feel like this is what my T is doing and it's driving me nuts. Honestly I feel some compassion for him, though. I know he cares about me and wants the best, but I feel he's lost on what to do. So I get all these mixed messages

[Elio]

Dear Dr S, I don't know what to say. 5 days. When I see you next things will be different. Physically, I will be different. Will I be different? What am I going to do about Monday? I feel like I am distancing to protect myself from you. Will I even still want to see you in Tuesday? I don't know. After yesterday and the pager, I don't know. I know it shouldn't bug me...I guess the question is how much does it bug me? I don't know. Love me

I am looking so forward to next friday. Big stuff to talk about, t.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear MC,
You already know I made my second bracket based on your advice. But now I *also* have a bracket inspired by T! LT vs. MC vs. T: Which will come out on top? (I guess there are H's brackets too...)
Wish we could all (including H!) hang out, drink beer, and watch some March Madness together.
Love,
LT

[cinnamon_roll]

art T,

I'm only just starting to feel the impact of all my hurt and anger about your re-organzing. which resulted in your cancelling my individual sessions. I still don't want to participate in this stupid group that you offered instead. I still feel there is no room for those feelings. I know that it's mostly (negative) transference, the echoes from times long past. It still hurts. I still want to go back to individual sessions with you. So what am I supposed to do about this massive tangle that I'm caught up in?

clueless and hurting,
c_r

Hey t. I'm glad i called you yest, i do want to talk about stuff, a lot of stuff. The h/son stuff. My marriage stuff. My animus that lately i feel like is part of me pulling rotten tricks on myself. Agh.
Will you understand that last? Is it the 24th yet???!!!

[TrailRunner14]

M.

I finally have words for how I feel, and have felt since I left Monday night.

So much came out/forward at one time!

So much was brought out. Then. Time was up.

Wait! What do I do with this?

It feels like being emotionally raw and numb at the same time. It feels like that very detached feeling combined with a weepy sadness. It's very hard to put words to.

I'm not myself and I know it. People in my space are getting aggravated with me because I can't pretend to be "ok" - it's too real and too numb. I can't morph into normal (by their standards) and "act" like all is well. It makes me angry but the numbness covers that too.

Monday doesn't seem that far away. It feels like this past Monday was just yesterday.

I so need help sorting this out! I don't know what to do with this until Monday. Hopefully Monday will be here before I realize it.

Trail

[lucozader]

Y'know we were talking about coping mechanisms? Ways I can cope with my life being pretty hard at the moment other than: SH, fantasising about you being magic and fixing everything, and retreating entirely into being a child? ...and I said that there weren't any, that there isn't anything I can do to feel better.

Well, I remembered one.

T, we need to talk about cushions. Your cushions are awful. I love you and all but those are the world's most uncomfortable and aesthetically unappealing cushions.

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

T, we need to talk about cushions. Your cushions are awful. I love you and all but those are the world's most uncomfortable and aesthetically unappealing cushions.

Maybe start bringing your own cushion in and see if he takes the hint?

Dear T,

Thank you for finally returning my call and squeezing me into an appt for 1am tomorrow.

In the bipolar forum here, I talked about my first rage attack when I was 14 (https://forums.psychcentral.com/5538078-post4.html). It was quite severe. But I think I want to discuss it with you because it's one of those things that I've been hiding. I think it's the first time I experienced a mood swing.

I also have a history of physical abuse from my dad that I'm not sure I really want to talk about. But I guess I'm okay for now. I don't see my dad anymore. I mean, I live with him, but he always leaves for work before I wake up, and he comes back from work/bar by the time I'm ready to sleep. So I don't see him during the week. Then on weekends, I stay in my room and he usually goes out somewhere. Virtually no contact. Hoping to be able to move out soon.

Mercy! Hearing your voice yesterday on our brief phone call made me miss you a bunch. Blergh.