Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

T,

Yeah, I am pissed at you. 6 days ago, I emailed and asked to be back on the schedule weekly. I said I understand if I couldn't get in this week, but let me know for future appointments. And nothing. And I know you are going to say, I should of called the office. Whenever I do that, they don't even look at the schedule they just say you're fully booked, but when I ask you, you magically find room on your fully booked schedule.

Just annoyed and I want you to know.

im so scared, T. about getting clean. it feels overwhelming. can i be okay with being sober? do i know how to cope? do i WANT to be sober????

i was thinking about this last night

a few months ago... when we had that tough session. when i left early, but marched back in there to ask you if you don't want me to come there anymore. i told you i wish you would tell me to f*** off. you said that it seems some part of me is trying to get you to reject me

is this what i am doing? now that you've said we shouldnt meet if i am using. and i just agreed to it.

if you had suggested this a month ago- i would have freaked out. FREAKED. OUT.

but i simply looked at you and said okay

it made me wonder if this was my end goal. to get you to tell me i can't come there

it seems pretty obvious that that is whats going on here

I was telling my friend just how attached I am to you today. He is a trainee and I think on some level he was like "wow, am I going to have clients who are that attached to me?" but he was genuinely curious, especially about whether I talk about it with you. Which of course I do. In fact, next session is going to be a "lets talk about the relationship" session I think.
I like this attachment at the moment, it seems important. I like thinking about you, and loving you and the happiness of seeing you. And I know it will change one day, and I won't need you anymore. And that's okay I think. But right now I just want to enjoy this love. Because love feels nice.

Hope you are good, T. Missing you today, but bet I will miss you more tomorrow.

Great to see you Waterbear. I hope you're doing well

So it turns out that the reason I don't ask for what the littles need is that I was afraid that not being able to meet my needs would make dad sad. And that if he got sad, he would be like mom (who suffered from bipolar). I had (still have) no concept that dad could feel sad without it being a disaster.

So I dismiss the little's needs (because I do know that they are about the past) and get strategic with H so that the adults do ok. Which is a good thing, I think. I am still not clear about the difference it would make for me to ask H for some time later in the day. And now H is saying he's been off track and paying lots of attention to me. So how am I supposed to ask for attention? I really am getting plenty now.

Please...please help me t

my will is crumbling. i can't even last one evening without the bourbon. i know you said it is okay if i can't do it...but COME ON. apparently i'd rather destroy my life rather than help it. COOL, T.

Can you call him?

Dear T,

Looks like I can't do Friday last slot of the day anymore. Thanks to weekly work meetings at that time. We need to find another day

T,

You don't help with the whole not feeling invisible, worthless, not cared for feelings.

PLEASE could you get out of my head for FIVE MINUTES so I can actually go to sleep?!! Thaaaanks!

Dear new T,
Don't be scared of me or for me.

Nope. 4am and awake thinking of you again.

Dearest T:

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

I love you.
me

And tell him to take my gosling with him!!

Dear T,
I feel awful again.
I'm sure you hate me. I'm the worst client in the world.
I should call and cancel our next appointment.
But it's so difficult

Don't. hope you feel better soon... You aren't the worst client in the world, that's already my place :P

Dear T,
I hope you enjoy your vacation! I think it's weird that you tried to get me angry at you, that you basically told me that it would be ok if I felt abandoned by you. I mean, seriously?
Anyway, see you in 3 weeks
Me

I know there is something you want me to bring up, but you need to make the hints a little bigger please.

T,

Some colleague made some joke to my workplace's employee of the year asking if he became so stellar an employee because of "abuse in the home'. Ugh, just one word and I'm triggered with shame. I find it hard to accept that my parents abused me even according to the standards of that time.

I finished all my uni work. I'm not feeling great about the last assignment, but I'm not going to look at it again and I'm not going to worry. Worst case scenario I'll have to do it again, but at least I'll have had a break from it by then. I'm learning to take care of myself

Congrats on getting it done! I know that feeling so well. I'm sure you'll have done just fine

T, I will be at my appointment with you in a few hours. I don't know if you're helping me. I'm not seeing progress. I don't understand why you want to start trauma work while my last parent is dying. I wonder if I'm a guinea pig for you. I hope not. It's hard for me to trust a T again. I am trying.