Missing someone who didn't exist

(POSSIBLE TRIGGERS) Today would have been my brother's 62nd birthday. He died June 12, 2008. I don't deal well with birthdays/anniversaries (unless, of course, there is a happy association). So, in June I have to face the anniversary of his death, followed 5 days later by his birthday.
Last week in therapy, it suddenly occurred to me that I might be missing the man he never was. That I have imbued him with certain characteristics which he did not actually have. In my memories now, he is more caring than he was in reality. I have more "conversations" with him since he died, than I think I ever did when he was alive. I am bittersweet. He was a difficult person to love. I think he had undiagnosed bipolar illness. And, he was a chronic alcoholic, having started to drink at age 12. I think he must have started drinking as a way to self-medicate. His drinking resulted in a lot of problems. And, he was very, very ill with a few other diseases, for many years. Some people (me included, from time to time) think he drank as a way to slow SUI. He might still be alive today if he had stopped drinking.
But he had his good points, too. At one time in his life he was a fantastic guitarist, and when he wasn't being sarcastic-nasty, he had a good sense of humor.
When I said to my T, that I thought I was missing someone who never existed, she nodded, but didn't say anything. Does anyone else deal with missing someone this way? I don't mean in relation to one's parents. Thanks.

I think this is very common. When people die, I think it's really normal to idealize them and put them on a pedistel they never could have inhabited while alive. And I think we do this with all lost relationships, whether they died or not. When you break up, when you lose a friend, when life takes you away from others...they're all losses and I think we all respond by elevating those we lost to maintain happy memories of them.

I took a class in grad school on grief and loss, and my prof had a very interesting take. He believed that we continue to have a relationship with the person that died, and that relationship evolves and changes as time goes on. He believed that a relationship doesn't end once a person dies-it just becomes different. (He was speaking in an emotional sense or a spiritual sense-not a supernatural one, unless of course, that works for the person).

I think it's an interesting idea....

It's not as though you are denying that difficult aspects of your brother existed when he was alive...you fully acknowledge them. But for whatever reason, the more positive parts of him are standing out to you now. You're able to talk to him more (and perhaps in a different way) than when he was alive.

I don't think that you're missing someone who didn't exist-I just think that as you grieve, your relationship with him is shifting, and that's ok.


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My mum died in January this year. She was in a psychiactric hospital for much of my teen years (also bipolar) and was also a drinker, a drug user and had several abusive boyfriends through my childhood.
she was also a talented poet and influenced me creatively.
I have talked to my T about grieving not only for the mother I had, but for who she might have been, who she could or should have been if it wasn't for her illness.
It sounds like you might be feeling in a similar way about your brother? I also feel my mum would still be alive if she hadn't mistreated herself.
Hugs and empathy