[Leah123]

I do therapy online. The service host is an impersonal corporation. I've recently had cause to wonder, if my therapist died or experienced a crisis (injury, illness, disaster, etc.) how would I ever know? How would I get any closure. She's not currently ill, but she's in her late 60s and life is unpredictable anyway.

If I saw a therapist in a brick and mortar group practice, and some such issue came up, the agency would let me know she wasn't available. If she died, I presume someone at the office would let me know.

If I saw a therapist in private practice or at her home, perhaps there'd be no one to notify me, but I would at least have an address as a starting point.

Currently, I realize, I have nothing. If my therapist was in a crisis, I'd have no inkling if she was unable to email me. If my therapist died, I believe I would find out eventually, but that would be by scanning obituaries for her home city, an imprecise and potentially long process. I think of those who don't have funeral services until a week or more later, and other potential complications.

I'm scared, nervous and upset thinking about this possibility.

I wondered if anyone here might have ideas or help me brainstorm a way around this. Although I'm not supposed to, I do have my therapist's home phone number and address. She knows I have those, though I don't use them. So, one thought was for me to leave a message on her answering machine if I didn't hear from her for one week and ask whoever picks up messages to call me, but... that's a longshot.

I think I could track down her ex-husband's office number to ask for news, if a week went by and I heard nothing, but I'm not positive.

I did share this concern with her and she replied:

"As far as you being notified if were to die, I don't believe that would be possible. But I will think about the issue as it is a very legitimate concern you have, XXXXXX"

Anyone?

Sigh, I'm tempted to delete this now that I've written it. It occurs to me... if she dies, there's nothing knowing sooner would help with, except saving me from panicking for the interim week. Still....worrying for a week is worth avoiding. And if she's in a crisis... what could I do to help anyway. But it would still be good to know... I could still at least send my prayers and flowers or something. Again... if I didn't hear, I could send prayers anyway...

so I dunno if this is all moot or not, but it doesn't feel moot.

[ScrewedUpMe]

I can understand your concerns about this. I worry about my T being ill or dying but she is in private practice from her home so I would find out sooner or later. I have never asked her what would happen but have always assumed that since she works in this field and clients are vulnerable etc. that she would have something in place that someone would be able to access in case of her absence to let her clients know. I may actually have to ask her...

I do find your therapist's reply a bit odd...to say that it wouldn't be possible to let you know? Surely she must need to have some backup or someone to inform those she is working with if she is no longer able to.

I hope she comes back to you with something more concrete.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

I can understand your concerns about this. I worry about my T being ill or dying but she is in private practice from her home so I would find out sooner or later. I have never asked her what would happen but have always assumed that since she works in this field and clients are vulnerable etc. that she would have something in place that someone would be able to access in case of her absence to let her clients know. I may actually have to ask her...

I do find your therapist's reply a bit odd...to say that it wouldn't be possible to let you know? Surely she must need to have some backup or someone to inform those she is working with if she is no longer able to.

I hope she comes back to you with something more concrete.

Well, I think she more likely had something in place when she worked in an office, but now she is semi-retired, working alone from home: I am her only regular client and the third-party service that provides the platform for us to communicate prohibits clients from exchanging personal info, though I found hers online anyhow and I've given her mine, but it was a long time ago. Also, due to confidentiality, she would not have mentioned me to family, friends, former colleagues, etc.

So, I think that's why she said that but I do want to see what I can come up with in the event of some emergency or she passes away.

I do hope she will think about it until she comes up with some plan: I don't want the topic to get dropped and will probably discuss it with her in session tomorrow.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, I think she more likely had something in place when she worked in an office, but now she is semi-retired, working alone from home: I am her only regular client and the third-party service that provides the platform for us to communicate prohibits clients from exchanging personal info, though I found hers online anyhow and I've given her mine, but it was a long time ago. Also, due to confidentiality, she would not have mentioned me to family, friends, former colleagues, etc.

So, I think that's why she said that but I do want to see what I can come up with in the event of some emergency or she passes away.

I hope you can figure something out. I just assumed that all T's would be obliged to have a contingency plan in this case. My T works at home but I know she has supervision so I would assume maybe that person would contact people. I'm actually really stumped now. Perhaps I have been assuming wrong...I definitely need to ask T this!

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

I hope you can figure something out. I just assumed that all T's would be obliged to have a contingency plan in this case. My T works at home but I know she has supervision so I would assume maybe that person would contact people. I'm actually really stumped now. Perhaps I have been assuming wrong...I definitely need to ask T this!

Well, if your T is in supervision, I bet that adds a safety net. My T has been practicing for 20+ years now, and doesn't have supervision any longer.

[HazelGirl]

Eek! That would be horrible! I don't know a solution, but geez! I can't imagine that!

[tinyrabbit]

I'm really concerned that she doesn't have something in place to ensure you are contacted. That's an oversight. There should be something in place.

[(JD)]

Only a few of us (Thank GOD) have had to consider, truly, those concerns.

You, however, seem to be having irrational fears. It might be better to try and work through the WHY you fear this T abandoning you, rather than work on a way to try and make sure you know if/when it should occur (which, really, is a never-ending, no closure endeavor imo.)

Maybe you are using this "fear" unconsciously to prevent yourself from 1) working on what your T wants you to or 2) push the T away from you so you don't have to trust T because they might die anyway?

IDK.

We are all dying...some of us just know it's sooner rather than later. Work on living as best you can for now.

[tinyrabbit]

This isn't irrational. It is normal to worry about your T dying actually.

In the UK it is a condition of a T's registration that they have measures in place to inform clients if they die.

[sweepy62]

Its a good question leah, my t is not private, if something should happen, clients would be notified, and a plan b would be in place, its a legitimate question, but also you must ask yourself, why are you asking yourself this now, maybe subconciously somethis else is going on, not minimizing your concern, because I worry about what ifs all the time. I would discuss this further with your t.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

This isn't irrational. It is normal to worry about your T dying actually.

In the UK it is a condition of a T's registration that they have measures in place to inform clients if they die.

i agree , otherwise, i would be irrational too.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Only a few of us (Thank GOD) have had to consider, truly, those concerns.

You, however, seem to be having irrational fears. It might be better to try and work through the WHY you fear this T abandoning you, rather than work on a way to try and make sure you know if/when it should occur (which, really, is a never-ending, no closure endeavor imo.)

Maybe you are using this "fear" unconsciously to prevent yourself from 1) working on what your T wants you to or 2) push the T away from you so you don't have to trust T because they might die anyway?

IDK.

We are all dying...some of us just know it's sooner rather than later. Work on living as best you can for now.

I can understand how those generic hypotheticals would come to mind since you don't know me, but they don't really fit. My T and I are doing excellent work and have addressed every serious topic imaginable, and then some. And I'm not pushing her away at all, that's why I'm conversing with her about this: I am close to her and would hate for something serious to happen and me not to find out. It's not a distraction from the work.

As far as the fear of her death being irrational.... I don't anticipate her dying imminently. However, she is in her late 60s and 3,000 miles away and has had a very serious prior illness. I recently had a longer than usual period where I didn't hear from her and became concerned. I would just like to know what, if anything, can be done so that I'll be in the loop if something serious occurs that would end my therapy unexpectedly, and of course, I care about her and would like to know if she ever had a life-threatening emergency arise.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I'm really concerned that she doesn't have something in place to ensure you are contacted. That's an oversight. There should be something in place.

Thanks Tinyrabbit, yes, I think you're right... I guess because the online aspect and the unusual constraints are something she hasn't dealt with before, maybe it was easier to overlook. Most folks using the service consult just once or a few times, so as a long-term, regular client, I guess I'm an oddball.

I do hope we get something in place, somehow.

[tinyrabbit]

I think the usual thing is to make a kind of professional will that a colleague can act on.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think the usual thing is to make a kind of professional will that a colleague can act on.

Yes, I was thinking about that. I think it's a great idea. I'm actually not at all worried about confidentiality on my end, and would be relieved to know I would get a call if she passed or if she were disabled to the point that she couldn't contact me for a long period.

I'm just not sure of her current situation: I know she does continuing education courses, and I know she has lunch monthly with a former colleague, so those may be possible avenues.

I let her know I'd really like us to sort something out, and I'll have to trust her to work on this.

If anyone has ideas too, I'd be very grateful.

[Purpledaze]

Hi Leah

Can you ask the service she works for if they have a system in place? I know from past posts that a lot of your fee goes to them, so it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect that there would be a system in place to let clients know if she died.

The other thing is, Is she married? As she has your details, and as you say you are her only long term client, could you just ask her to pass on your details to her next of kin, so that they could let you know if she dies or is unable to communicate with you? I would imagine that people might keep some sort of list of people to notify of their death...

I hope you can find a way to organize this with her, so you can stop worrying about not knowing.

I think it's a good question too and I wonder the same thing.... my T is in private practice working out of her home, and I don't even see her in person anymore, we do only phone sessions now, so yeah, how in the world WOULD I find out if it were to happen?! Heaven forbid of course. I have not asked her yet. I'm not even sure how I would ask her. I think I'm going to try though.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Purpledaze

Hi Leah

Can you ask the service she works for if they have a system in place? I know from past posts that a lot of your fee goes to them, so it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect that there would be a system in place to let clients know if she died.

The other thing is, Is she married? As she has your details, and as you say you are her only long term client, could you just ask her to pass on your details to her next of kin, so that they could let you know if she dies or is unable to communicate with you? I would imagine that people might keep some sort of list of people to notify of their death...

I hope you can find a way to organize this with her, so you can stop worrying about not knowing.

Thanks very much.

Unfortunately, the service is huge, thousands of experts in all different specialties, and they don't keep tabs on experts or interact with clients about them. They wouldn't know if she passed away either as experts often come and go without notice.

She is not currently married and lives alone so even if I did call her home (which I think would be reasonable if I had not heard from her for a week since we're in regular contact) there's no guarantee anyone would hear or return the message in the event of her death.

Her next of kin lives out of town I believe. I know they're in contact because she's occasionally taken time off when they visit in such, but I don't know more than that.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I think it's a good question too and I wonder the same thing.... my T is in private practice working out of her home, and I don't even see her in person anymore, we do only phone sessions now, so yeah, how in the world WOULD I find out if it were to happen?! Heaven forbid of course. I have not asked her yet. I'm not even sure how I would ask her. I think I'm going to try though.

Yes, heaven forbid for sure!!
I hope my therapist lives decades longer, she just made a joke about not planning to kick the bucket until her late 90s, but... when I didn't hear for a while, I did worry a bit, and between her age, the distance, and life's unpredictability, I'd just feel better if I could somehow be notified rather than waiting anxiously for a long period of time.

I hope you can ask your therapist: hopefully she'll have a reassuring plan to fill you in on.

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yes, heaven forbid for sure!!
I hope my therapist lives decades longer, she just made a joke about not planning to kick the bucket until her late 90s, but... when I didn't hear for a while, I did worry a bit, and between her age, the distance, and life's unpredictability, I'd just feel better if I could somehow be notified rather than waiting anxiously for a long period of time.

I hope you can ask your therapist: hopefully she'll have a reassuring plan to fill you in on.

thanks. I hope you get a reassuring plan too. I'm going to try asking her soon. My T is in her early 60's and moved about 1300 miles away a year and a half ago.

[tametc]

As most of you know, my previous T had to unexpectedly quit his practice a year ago due to sudden onset of severe Parkinson's-related dementia. I had already asked him when he was first diagnosed whom he would recommend if he was unable to continue working. The T I saw before him died from a brain tumor, and it was a shock to me because he kept telling me by phone that he was doing well with treatment and expected to be back to work within months. I found out he had passed months after the fact, and it was devastating. He was in private practice, and although I had asked one of the pastors at his church to keep me informed, somehow that didn't happen.

I would like to see it become a part of ethics codes that therapists be required to have "professional wills". It could address things like who would inform clients, and how that would occur, and what would happen to the T's records, etc. Also would be good to have a current list of T's who could take on the clients left behind. I also think it would be good to require that the "will" be kept current, perhaps with a review on an annual basis. Not much good if the information became outdated. I'm sure the various professional organizations would be able to figure out the details regarding confidentiality, etc.

Unfortunately, the very human nature of Ts often prevents them from thinking about their own mortality.

[tinyrabbit]

In the UK it actually is part of their professional ethics codes. Surprised this isn't the case in the USA - it definitely should be.

[Leah123]

I just finished a phone session and my therapist said she'd been giving some thought to my very reasonable, typical request to be notified if she passed away or was incapacitated. She's considering two individuals to ask if they'd be willing to be responsible for contacting me via email or phone if ever needed. One is a former colleague who's a therapist. I asked her to figure out how she'd like to handle it within two weeks so as to make sure we're set.

That's a relief!

[feralkittymom]

I'm glad she's amended her reply because it was very lacking. Not sure if it's part of an ethics code, but it is recommended practice that all Ts have a "professional will" which includes a designated colleague to notify clients in the event of a T's incapacity or death. It also involves instructions about the disposition of written records and other practical matters. It is written in concert with the legal requirements for the maintenance of records, which in many states is 10 years.