[SoupDragon]

Has anyone seen American Werewolf in London, where everyone else knows who he is apart from him? They try to tell him, but he is in denial.

And then he realises....................

That's where I am. All my life I have thought I was OK / normal and now I am beginning to see just how messed up I am.

I am starting to hold back from people, realising that I will never be able to have the type of relationship with others, that people who are not like me have.

I am tired of pretending, hoping that next time it may be different, that I will find relationships / friendships OK.

It is too painful to each time struggle to maintain those friendship, that now it feels easier to not bother, to not have the struggle.

It is sad...or do I mean I am sad, but like that Werewolf, maybe it is time to accept and realise there is nothing I can do to change how I am.

What's the best I can hope for? Does it mean that I am wasting my time and money on therapy, that it will never fix me, just reinforce how very difficult I find things.

I saw a counsellor the other week (during my T termination phase, that in the end wasn't) - she talked of my insecure attachments - I have read some stuff about it today and can relate to insecure avoidant attachment. How on earth do you even start to fix this with a T, that you know isn't going to be around forever, that can't be there everyday when things are tough - a T that used to encourage emails, then stopped responding to them - doesn't that just reinforce the fact that there will never be someone there for me that I can trust.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I am not totally sure I know what I am saying.

[Leah123]

Everything you're saying makes sense to me and your feelings are valid. However, I also sense that you're in a rough spot and things may seem especially dark right now.

I hope you will share this post with your therapist: I think the clarity you demonstrate here about your fear and about the disconnect in therapy could be extremely useful.

I'm sorry you're struggling and hope it will lift soon. Hope you take good care of yourself!

[Perna]

I don't think of myself as damaged but like the trees that grow bent over the years because of their living conditions? Hopefully, with therapy, I straightened up somewhat again, LOL.

[HazelGirl]

It takes finding a T who is willing to be very vulnerable and open with you, and willing to accept whatever you bring into the room without judgement in order to begin to heal. It takes years, though.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Has anyone seen American Werewolf in London, where everyone else knows who he is apart from him? They try to tell him, but he is in denial.

And then he realises....................

That's where I am. All my life I have thought I was OK / normal and now I am beginning to see just how messed up I am.

I am starting to hold back from people, realising that I will never be able to have the type of relationship with others, that people who are not like me have.

I am tired of pretending, hoping that next time it may be different, that I will find relationships / friendships OK.

It is too painful to each time struggle to maintain those friendship, that now it feels easier to not bother, to not have the struggle.

It is sad...or do I mean I am sad, but like that Werewolf, maybe it is time to accept and realise there is nothing I can do to change how I am.

What's the best I can hope for? Does it mean that I am wasting my time and money on therapy, that it will never fix me, just reinforce how very difficult I find things.

I saw a counsellor the other week (during my T termination phase, that in the end wasn't) - she talked of my insecure attachments - I have read some stuff about it today and can relate to insecure avoidant attachment. How on earth do you even start to fix this with a T, that you know isn't going to be around forever, that can't be there everyday when things are tough - a T that used to encourage emails, then stopped responding to them - doesn't that just reinforce the fact that there will never be someone there for me that I can trust.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I am not totally sure I know what I am saying.

SoupDragon, I am standing right behind you in the "just realized how messed up I am" line. =\

Aww, Soup ...

Totally get what you're saying and have felt that way often myself. I don't think all my wounds are going to heal, but it's comforting to just have someone to talk face to face about it which is why I keep going to therapy on and off even though I'm quite certain it won't be able to "fix" everything.

Here's another for good measure.

[Wysteria]

Awww Soupdragon...

I'm right there with you...just left session with T saying how it's been so many years and all the setbacks lately just leave me further back than I started with less ability to reach out, no pillars to stand on, less ability to tolerate and be patient with triggers, and hurting. Feel like I'm not a female and have lost the ability to be anything at all. How can I have dropped so far back down this rabbit hole?

He ended up saying just basically accept that I am different, and unique and that with change comes another uprooting of all that I am...

He held me in the end as I sobbed and once again tried to instill in me some hope.
As I try to instill it in others like you...since we are sensitive and unique little souls, you and me.. We will just have to try again together.
I so relate and understand...although things are different...it is in the end about saying that I will get up again and try.

Please do be kind to yourself and know you are cherished by so many...and just ole me too.


Gentle and strengthening hugs passed on from my T through me to you too...
Wysteria Blue

[precaryous]

Wysteria, that was lovely.

Yes soup, I came to realisation.
Even with all the therapy I've had, there's still a scar, the Sharp scab has gone and left a smooth scar.

[musinglizzy]

Having recently started therapy (knowing I should have a long time ago), I'm sure feeling more damaged than before. Just because I've not allowed myself to face these issues. I'm in there for depression/anxiety/PTSD, but marriage issues is what really brought me in. But I'm learning in order to get to the present we need to start at the beginning.....and it's not only scary, but helps one realize just how messed up things can be.

One GOOD thing I have going for me is that I think my T and I are a GREAT match. I truly am not a people person, and have pretty extensive social anxiety issues as well. But she has the disposition that allowed me to open up right away, and feel comfortable. I won't say I haven't had anxiety issues going in there, complete with the (noticeable) shakes, but she just keeps talking, and eases me out of that.

I'm increasing from once a week to twice....I'm thankful she's willing to do that for me. I chose her on blind faith, and it worked out. She's awesome! So even though I'm realizing just how messed up I am, I think I have the perfect person to help me through.

[growlycat]

Ohhh…pc peeps.

EVERYONE has something wrong. Some have more of a burden than others, but I tell you I feel like it is the biggest joke life has taught me. No one comes out unscathed!! So it's all good. You aren't alone.