[sjkero]

Has anyone ever told their T something that ruined the relationship?

I mentioned in an earlier thread I saw something on T’s facebook page that was unsettling to me and I think I need to talk to her about it. As part of this, I feel like I want to confess to stalking her facebook page on an hourly basis for MONTHS. I have a sick obsession. I think underlying all of this is that deep down I want to be friends more than t/client. Which I know is not possible. I think that underlying feeling keeps me from opening up completely in therapy b/c I’m scared to get close to her since I want that more than anything. I think it’s a conversation deep down I know I need to have and the facebook discovery is prompting it at the moment. But it sickens to me to think about telling her this.

I have a feeling this situation teeters on being really good and us being closer, or her thinking it’s best if we end things. So it could have a really good outcome, or a really, really bad outcome.

So, back to my question… has anyone said something that ruined the relationship, and part of you regrets it? I don’t know what to do…..

[sailorboy]

No, and I've said some crazy stuff. Please try and be honest. It might suprise you how much it helps.

[sjkero]

Thanks Sailorboy. I think this is the type of situation where I need to say nothing, or everything. Not just bits and pieces. And that part scares me. She won't see any of this coming.

Originally Posted by sailorboy

No, and I've said some crazy stuff. Please try and be honest. It might suprise you how much it helps.

[Petra5ed]

Not yet. Usually what happens is I get all worked up and think something's a big deal and then I say it and he's just like, "oh, was that it? oh, ok... well, I could see that was difficult for you, thank you for sharing that."

[Petra5ed]

Check this out, therapy scene from Girls. She is my inspiration.

[Perna]

Sjkero, don't forget how you say something can make a difference. You feel you are stalking but that is putting your perception on your behavior. I would try to discuss the behavior without judging it? "Hey, T, I have spent an awful lot of time reading your Facebook page" is not the same as, "Hey, T, I've been stalking you, compulsively going to your Facebook page every hour." The first one is more likely to get a good conversation going where you can talk about wanting to be closer to her but not knowing how and what you feel might be helped by such closeness, where it is coming from in your life, etc.?

I wouldn't be able to go there, personally.

If it's a difficult conversation, maybe you could maybe start with... "I've been getting compulsions to check your facebook page. How would you feel about that?" and see what the reaction is. Then perhaps go a little deeper later on?

Openness is definitely better than not, but once you cross the line into intruding into their personal life, all bets are off the table regarding what the reaction will be.

If you are spending that much time going to a nd returning to her page over and over, that really has become a problem for you that you need to talk to her about. Hopefully getting it out in the open and working on why you have the compulsion to do so will help you be able to reduce or eliminate the behavior.

[sjkero]

this is what terrifies me... she'll be so disappointed in me and never look at me the same

Originally Posted by Clementine K

but once you cross the line into intruding into their personal life, all bets are off the table regarding what the reaction will be.

My T once told me something she also wrote on her Facebook wall (a therapists-kind-of-page though). I had read it a couple of days earlier and I felt like I couldn't lie about it. It was as if she caught me, you know. But on the other hand, I would have felt terrible if I would have said nothing.
Still wondering whether it was on purpose actually...

But I'm actually not too sure she will react in a bad way. Every T who knows a bit about how clients can be... I mean, you're definitely not the only one! I'm sure a lotttt of clients do that. And also, I think that someone in that kind of profession only posts things that are meant for the world outside to be seen. So, no reason to be upset about that, right?
And if you say you're kind of 'obsessed'... She can work with that, I hope. If she takes some distance from it and doesn't see it as a personal thing.
I hope it works out!

[Perna]

Reading her public Facebook page (or even trying to read her protected "private" one) is not intruding into your therapist's life. Any feeling of intrusion is your imagination, she has no feeling of intrusion by you or she would raise that issue with you (that's a personal boundary thing). Telling her you go to her page often, is about you, not about her and it is just words on a page, not "her" or her actual life. That you feel you can imagine what it was "like" at her daughter's birthday party in the park in no way means you were a part (past tense, as well) of the party/her life and predicts nothing for the future. Knowing she has a daughter/child/husband/relationship with X, she posted what she posted on her page -- it is her responsibility. She does not discuss it in therapy because therapy is about you and your life, not her and her's.

I cannot see her being disappointed in you for being curious, interested in seeing how she lives, etc., humans are -- that's why Facebook is so popular in the first place. However, if you continue to dwell on her and become obsessed with her instead of working on your self in therapy, then she would have the problem of not being of any use to you so not wanting to take your money.

[Mactastic]

My T's FB page is 'locked up' tight. In hindsight, I'm glad. I don't need to be looking, I think it will just be painful. When I finally admitted to snooping it was a huge relief. He wasn't phased and told me it's really really common. The frequency of it might be a bit disturbing for her but I think you owe it to yourself to find out what's behind it and work towards getting past the urge to look. Why not start by telling her you've looked and leave the frequency part aside to gauge her reaction?

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[sjkero]

thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! the bold part below really hit me... I'm getting more and more courage to bring this up to her...

Originally Posted by Perna

Reading her public Facebook page (or even trying to read her protected "private" one) is not intruding into your therapist's life. Any feeling of intrusion is your imagination, she has no feeling of intrusion by you or she would raise that issue with you (that's a personal boundary thing). Telling her you go to her page often, is about you, not about her and it is just words on a page, not "her" or her actual life. That you feel you can imagine what it was "like" at her daughter's birthday party in the park in no way means you were a part (past tense, as well) of the party/her life and predicts nothing for the future. Knowing she has a daughter/child/husband/relationship with X, she posted what she posted on her page -- it is her responsibility. She does not discuss it in therapy because therapy is about you and your life, not her and her's.

I cannot see her being disappointed in you for being curious, interested in seeing how she lives, etc., humans are -- that's why Facebook is so popular in the first place. However, if you continue to dwell on her and become obsessed with her instead of working on your self in therapy, then she would have the problem of not being of any use to you so not wanting to take your money.

[liveinspired]

What I told my T yesterday. Yes I would. I would redo that little part if our session in a heartbeat.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by sjkero

Has anyone ever told their T something that ruined the relationship?

yea, my t used to joke all the time that as a borderline im the most likely client to slash her tires in anger, so i gave her a note that said "check your tires lately? look-not slashed yet!" - and she decided it was a threat and got completely bent out of shape over it even though I only meant it as a joke, GIGANTIC RUPTURE as a result. When I say gigantic rupture I mean monumental destruction of the relationship.

[sjkero]

Thanks for this. You're right, I need to leave the frequency out of it.

As with any obsession, I do it because I LOVE it. I LOVE seeing pics of her and I LOVE seeing the fun things she does in real life. I am 100% convinced that my T will change her facebook settings as soon as I tell her this. And I know I shouldn't take it personal, but I will What if I get really mad at her for it? It kills me to think that I may no longer have an inside glimpse into her life... I need it:/ I got a taste and now my craving is stronger than ever. For this reason alone, I hesitate to tell her. I need to see the pics and the posts...

Originally Posted by Mactastic

My T's FB page is 'locked up' tight. In hindsight, I'm glad. I don't need to be looking, I think it will just be painful. When I finally admitted to snooping it was a huge relief. He wasn't phased and told me it's really really common. The frequency of it might be a bit disturbing for her but I think you owe it to yourself to find out what's behind it and work towards getting past the urge to look. Why not start by telling her you've looked and leave the frequency part aside to gauge her reaction?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk