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  #1  
Old Jan 23, 2007, 01:39 PM
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I was in a very defensive mood in T yesterday. I was very spacey on the drive over and really wasn't feeling like talking. I said to T I;d sooner sit and read a book to myself for the session instead of talk. She asked me which of her books I would like to read? I immediately pointed to a book on her shelves entitled "Shared Experience". I don't know why that book that day. I haven't a clue what is inside of it, but the title drew me.

T pointed out that maybe it felt safer "today" to read about a shared experience, rather then partake in the real shared experience between myeslf and her!!

After a while of feeling myself struggle and being crossed armed and tight lipped I said that I really was trying to pull myself back into the here and now. I said I felt I wanted to hit myself about the head and I didn't want to let T help me!

She said that I have let her help me before so what was different? I couldnt answer at first, I was feeling to irritated, desperate. Then I realised that I was actually in T, and that I was sitting there, so that tells me part of me must want her help?

I told her this. Then I felt the true feelings within me, I felt hurt, sad, afraid and I was missing everything that had never been. I related this to T and she said that it must feel like a risk to let her help me with this? I agreed, I was afraid that her help wouldnt be enought and I would have to re experience abandoment.

I really had a feeling afterwards of having touched some very old feelings. LIke I'd reached another level and the session ended well. I felt "nourished"

I realise now that I still carry that very very early experience of having "fallen apart" as a baby and undertsand now my "clinging" . Its because I still feel that I will fall apart again without these things. But I can never fall apart in the same way as a vunrable baby would. I have words and thoughts now to hold myself together.

When I allow myself to think about falling apart, it feels like I'm a roller coaster ride and about to go over the top, or thats how I imagined it to be like, but its not. I let myself get to thet top and its safe, there is no drop, no falling apart.

Sorry for the ramble

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  #2  
Old Jan 23, 2007, 05:25 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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Not only can you not fall apart as a baby you would but you didn't really fall apart then; you "survived" (what "survival" is all about). You lived through all those horrible experiences before and came out the other end. Now it's just hard because they were painful/difficult (and you were afraid you wouldn't survive then) and the way you survived was so primitive. I spent a couple years in T trying to deal with the 2-3 year old me and her thoughts and ways she did things, I can only imagine how hard it is when one was a baby. Eventually the new skills you're doing so well learning now will encompass all of you so you'll feel like you can take care of the infant you too (I hope :-)
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  #3  
Old Jan 23, 2007, 10:06 PM
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((((hugs)))) Sometimes, I think, when T gets close to issues that really bother us (the deeper ones?) we tend to shut down to prevent exposing them (cross arms, try not to talk etc) We all do this, imo. It's ok. We have to slow down at these times, and your onboard safety system seems to be working fine.

TC!
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  #4  
Old Jan 24, 2007, 12:36 PM
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Hey. you never have to apologise about rambelling... you have read my posts - right? lol.

;-)

I've started reading 'the restoration of the self' which is a kind of sequal to Kohut's last book... One of the things he talks about is when an analysis is complete. I'm probably getting this wrong... Because I do find this material to be hard going... But Freud thought that the analysis basically bottoms out with acknowledgement / awareness of oedipal issues... Whereas Kohut talks about...

Fear of fragmentation. The notion that there is some state that isn't capable of being properly verbalised because it was a state that was experienced / that existed prior to us developing verbal capacities. Breaking up. Dissolution. That there was this terror and fear around this experience. That people sometimes put that same terror onto objects (in the case of phobias, for example) but that basically it was a terror of loss of self or annihilation of self or the breaking up of self.

He thought that couldn't be analysed... And that the analysis could be finished satisfactorily even though people might not understand that this was the origin of their fears and that this was what their fears were really all about.

One theory anyway. But what you said struck me... And it reminded me of that.

Just my random rambellings ;-)
  #5  
Old Jan 24, 2007, 01:00 PM
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wow Alexandra! That is very interesting! Thanks
  #6  
Old Jan 24, 2007, 03:05 PM
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Soidhonia Soidhonia is offline
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Hello Mouse I am so very happy that you are getting the help you need and maturing into your therapy. I hope the best for you in the future. Take care Soidhonia
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  #7  
Old Jan 24, 2007, 06:11 PM
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biiv biiv is offline
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mouse you are so good at analysing things. sounds like you re working really hard and making some really solid steps. well done to you!
i felt the same going into t today. got really upset in the last session and knew she was going to want to talk about that again so i couldnt help myself and went in angry and defensive and literally sat with my arms and legs crossed and couldnt talk. then i finally realised i was there because i want to function better and not because she was making me talk about things i dont want to talk about so i tried. i think i maybe even got somewhere but im so tired now i cant think about it. i need it all to go away so am going to sleep. its good to know you felt that way too and got over it. i think it is about touching deeper issues.
whew. tired. thank you for posting. Deeper.
take care
biiv
  #8  
Old Jan 24, 2007, 06:18 PM
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biiv biiv is offline
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quote:

"Fear of fragmentation. The notion that there is some state that isn't capable of being properly verbalised because it was a state that was experienced / that existed prior to us developing verbal capacities. Breaking up. Dissolution. That there was this terror and fear around this experience. That people sometimes put that same terror onto objects (in the case of phobias, for example) but that basically it was a terror of loss of self or annihilation of self or the breaking up of self."

i dont want to hijack mouses thread but i just want to say this part of your post really hits something... something. im not sure what. need to think about it but it feels true. annihilation of self. fragmentation. terror. fear. not capable of proper verbalisation. theres something really in that. was actually talking to t today about feeling fragmented and trying to put the pieces back but some of them are broken. i see them like warped, twisted, burnt pieces of glass in the middle of the 'picture' im trying to put back together. its ruined. not sure how they got like that though. do i have a decision to make? yes. what decision is it though? Deeper. Deeper.
am going to bed. Deeper. maybe it will make sense if i can remember my dreams.
ignore me please!
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