[Talulah]

I want to start by saying i really do love my t. She is great. I am lucky, she's youthful, vibrant, kind and bubbly. I really had a hard time even going in the first place because in my mind, i thought i was weak for being unable to overcome my problems. I always thought with education and rationale I could learn to conquer anything and that I'd never really need anyone for help with that.
I started for a seemingly innocent objective and a year and a half later (with a 6 month break) I'm in the throes of darkness from my past. I'm doing this transference thing and I'm fighting this so much!
The worst part is, one day (after finally getting on Lexapro) my t says to me: "I don't really know anything about you before age 19". That's where it all began....
So, I decide I trust her and I dive head first into mounds and layers of hideousness that I've shut down and locked away. We start with it all and of course my symptoms amplify and I accept that ,as i have a safe person to go down that road with. Now, after maybe 2 months and just getting into what's happened to me, she wants me NOT to focus on the past and start doing things to better my "self talk" and combat my thinking. What the F*&$******????
We just chipped the edge and I raring to go and I feel so angry!!!!! She minimizes everything!!!!
I know what you're all thinking, tell her, tell her. Well, I did and she said she never meant to minimize my pain and suffering as a young adult/young child. But she still wants to just focus on excercising anf positive thinking. She doesn't want to "ruminate" with me about the past. Jeez, thanks for the support doc.

I was almost there, ready to reveal and let the darkness reach the light. But now, I'm gonna put it right back.
I'm.just.done.over.it.and.I'm.turning.it.off.

[pegasus]

Therapy is a roller-coaster.

It could be that your therapist is just trying to slow things down a bit and give you some coping strats before delving into the really difficult stuff.

Therapy can be like peeling an onion, going through the layers and your T is trying to help you by pacing it.

If you think your T is really NOT listening or working on what you think you need to, you can always look for another T that suits you.


Good luck!

There are different types of therapies. (see www.aboutpsychotherapy.com) and it sounds like you have what I just realized I have: a behavioral therapist. (I want a psychoanalytic psychotherapist).

ECHOES

[sunrise]

Talulah, that is so intense. I would feel rejected big time if that happened to me. It sounded like on the one hand she wanted to encourage you to explore your past, ostensibly in the service of greater present healing. Then when you were ready, she shut the door. Some T's are not comfortable with delving into the past. They are "here and now" sorts of helpers (and that can be exactly what some people want). My first counselor was like that--very CBT, never getting at the root of my problems, so they never got solved. She was focused on trying to lessen the symptoms but we got no further. If you want to deal with your past, please tell your T. It should be you who decides what you want and need to work on, not her. Maybe she simply feels it is outside her scope and expertise and could provide a referral to someone with the skills and orientation you may be looking for.

A lot of your post could have been writtten by me. My new T is ready to go anywhere with me. Dealing with past trauma has so helped me with present life and dilemmas. It's a hard journey but worth it (to me)!

Good luck,
sunny

> It could be that your therapist is just trying to slow things down a bit and give you some coping strats before delving into the really difficult stuff.

Yes, that is one possibility. Oftentimes it does disrupt a persons functioning when they talk about trauma. Talking about it brings the memories / flashbacks / pain to the fore and sometimes functioning deteriorates. That can become a cycle, though, where the person deteriorates still more because their functioning has deteriorated. Here is an example. Someone might be really into running and singing (or similar) though having trouble due to trauma. They start talking about the trauma. They stop running and singing because they are ruminating on the trauma. The running could help them cope with the trauma, (outlet for rage, endorphins flowing etc etc) and the singing could help with the trauma, (sense of competence etc). But because they have stopped running and singing they fall into even more of a worse place (their body starts going through endorphin withdrawal they lose their sense of competence etc). Sometimes people need to take a break from trauma work in order to get some of those coping strategies in place. It could be that your t is trying to do this...

> Therapy can be like peeling an onion, going through the layers

This reminds me of a quote:

Sensible men know when to stop peeling their onions.

I know I'm maiming your quote slightly... But the notion is... Onions are sometimes a symbol for... I can't think of the term. Onions consist *solely* in layers. If you peel a layer and peel a layer and peel a layer in an attempt to find the core what will happen is that you will peel the last layer and that will be that.

I think therapy is about peeling rather than about finding. Aka: Therapy is a process rather than something that moves towards some fixed point.

Blah.

Hey. I think one possibility is that she is trying to get you to hook into some good coping strategies in order to prepare you for the work. I think there are some other possibilities too, however.

1) She might not be able to cope with hearing about it.

I don't mean to promote paranoia... But... Does she seem uncomfortable in herself when you talk about stuff that you remember?

2) She might be concerned that you aren't progressing with your remembering.

There is this little thing called 'the carthartic method'. The theory is that in order to get better from trauma one needs to recollect the trauma in a way that connects it with intense feeling and that if you do this enough... The trauma will be processed... And then the patient will be cured.

Some therapists continue to hold this.

Some therapists question this slightly on a number of grounds.

One way in which it has been questioned is that some theorists have said that cartharsis alone doesn't help. What helps is reprocessing of the traumatic memory which involves reinterpreting the intentions, beliefs, desires etc of the actors involved. Your therapist might be thinking that while you are doing the carthartic thing you might not have the skills in place that enable you to reinterpret the trauma. This would make sense of her trying to get you into the cognitive restructuring strategies.

Of course it might be that she is trying to get you into that because she is feeling uncomfortable with the content of the memories and / or your state of distress. I guess she would be more concerned about the state of your distress if you are withdrawing from activities outside therapy etc.

> She doesn't want to "ruminate" with me about the past. Jeez, thanks for the support doc.

Sounds like her concern is that while venting can be good... It can also get things refiring. Some people suggest that when you feel angry then you should vent the anger. Punch a punching bag or something. That if you do that you will feel better. That the anger will alleviate if you find some appropriate way of expressing the anger. Other people have found that *sometimes* expressing the emotion actually keeps the emotion around and more intense than it would be if one didn't vent it. That expressing the emotion can actually make things worse.

Of course there is a balance / trade off. It can be terrific to have both strategies in ones tool kit:

One needs to be able to think about the memory and feel the feelings of rage and fear and so on... And have the skill to sit with the distress and feel it without doing something rash...

One also needs to be able to put the memory away and engage with daily activities and so on... And have the skill to be able to shift the focus of ones attention onto other things so one can function in ones daily life...

Balance.

Seems like she is trying to get you doing the latter strategy because you seem to have mastered the former ;-)

But... I'm not sure that cognitive restructuring is the most helpful way of preventing / distracting from emotional cartharsis...

Does she do any mindfulness stuff do you know?

(my thought here is that there is all the difference in the world between 'restructuring' the judgement and 'lifting' the judgement. the last is typically experienced as less invalidating and seems to be enough to help with reprocessing trauma)

[(JD)]

Oh she sounds like a keeper to me!

There isn't much good to continue to ruminate through the same scenarios and such. Once the main reactive process is understood, tis enough, imo. That you are understandably reactive to bringing all these memories up to the table to view also means that too much can be a bad thing. Slowing down the memory flow is in your own best interest, and I would trust your T even more now, for realizing the impact it's had on you.

Once basic patterns have been displayed, then the various events in memory don't really need to be revisited over and over. Learning how to view the events, sorting through a few often is enough to allow yourself (your brain) to work through similar ones and file them away accurately, so they don't upset you each time you "bring them out."

It's also possible that by bringing memories to the light and then backing away from them for awhile allows your unconscious to continue to work through some things that you don't have to consciously endure.

TC

[wisewoman]

wow sky, when did you get so wise? Good post. Good food for thought.

[Talulah]

Wow you guys, thank you. Thank you.
The metaphors, the onion, the singing and the need to balance all, with trust and confidence in my t. Yeah, you all are making an impact with me and are giving me much for thought.

Sunny, I DID feel betrayed after i finally worked through the trust issues to reveal some horrible things.

Sky, maybe I need to relenquish the need to control completely, although let her know that I feel unresolved with past issues and that, if she knows that, I'll have faith in any direction she wants to go...

Peg, The onion metaphor is great, yeah, I need to peel my dried and crusty outer layers, but the deeper i go, it gets so sensitive ya know? So, if I remember the balance (alexandra) maybe i can peel down to where i'm a little more shiny, but have strength in my under-layers to keep the preciousness sealed in there so it can heal.

I have a big problem with boundaries/control/balance. I often don't like ppl to do things if it isn't MY way. So, yeah my poor t has to meet me here a lot and i know i need to trust her and where she wants to take me.
I thought i spent a year and a half to build the trust and when i did, i wanted (to my surprise) to expel all the childhood crap and just dissecte the hell out of it. I'm an analyzer to the extreme...
So this therapeutic relationship thing is a biggee. I will not bail. I will do my best to trust and balance and revisit, if necessary when she leads me to.
Yes, i feel deep down, right now, that she's a keeper as well.
I will try not to ruminate-yes this for me, can be a negative, I usually live here-in rumination-land.
Instead of finding the negative, i will have faith that she knows better than i what she's doing.
Arghhh, you guys are helping me do POSITIVE things!
Cool.
Thanks.
Umm, Alexandra, thanks for the analyzing too. I really like your posts and you find insightful ways to look at things. I like how you present both sides. The perspective you've all given here is being weighed in my little brain....
So, I'll keep ya posted, I go in tuesday and I'm gonna try to keep positive and shut down those dwelling behaviors.

tuesday...

how did it go?

[Talulah]

Alright, so having food for thought and hashing this out bit with you all was tremendous. It helped me to articulate many things I wanted/needed to say to my t. I want to say thanks again for that support.

I went in and we discussed--and this is how it went: I explained that I feel upset with her due to her minimizing the past etc. We discussed this at length and she explained this to be a fine line she walks with me. She IS interested in my past, the trauma, the experiences but felt my symptoms were not quite under control to the extent that she wants to visit them so deeply--yet.

>>>>>>One needs to be able to think about the memory and feel the feelings of rage and fear and so on... And have the skill to sit with the distress and feel it without doing something rash...

Yeah, since we started the past trauma, I've been incorporating some old coping mechanisms that are not benefiting me and my t is trying to help me cope with the outcome of where I want to go, and where I'm asking her to go.

Baby steps

She also said I "ruminate" so much I have not aquired the skill or ability to "turn it off" and put it aside yet. I tend to take things away from therapy and instead of using them positively, I dwell and obsess and she wants to get that under control.

>>>>>>>>>>>One also needs to be able to put the memory away and engage with daily activities and so on... And have the skill to be able to shift the focus of ones attention onto other things so one can function in ones daily life...

Balance.

Seems like she is trying to get you doing the latter strategy because you seem to have mastered the former ;-)

Boy you got this one, right on the head....she nearly used these exact words. She said I have to free up my mind a little, and enjoy more. I need to be present in everything that I'm doing and so on, not just stuck somewhere in my head like I do.

It all boils down to what she described as a "push and pull" she and I play together. She says I have a huge wall with barbed wire atop and she sees my hand reaching through begging to grasp her, and when she comes near, she tries to climb my wall, and I begin to let her, then she is stung with the wire and retreats a little. I want her near but I'm afraid to trust her and we are still working on that together.

She says she senses that at a core level I feel unworthy of being happy and that I punish myself for feeling good and destroy my chances of happy moments. She says I need to believe I'm worthy of this etc. or else she can never truly help me. I told her I struggle with that and she said she belives I'm worthy, so she's asked me to go on "blind faith" for awhile with her.

Also, I've just upped my dosage of Lexapro which she says will take the edge of the rumination and dwelling and we will visit the past stuff. I told her I need her to lead because I can't just decide what to talk about this day and that day, and she said once all the trust is in place, she'd be quite happy to lead.

And it went on and on, and we really "touched base" with eachother which I think was needed. I think she's great and I have to remember to tell her when I feel something isn't going right.

On a side note, this all started after a particularly odd session a few weeks ago. When I touched on some past stuff she asked me some questions about why bad things happen to good people and so on. She didn't like my answer much and became very snarly ("prickly" was her word). I left that session confused about the direction we were heading and very confused/hurt/upset. Nontheless, she explained that she had "brought in" some personal stuff that session and that was the vibe I felt from her. She apologized and made sure I understodd that she had made a mistake. She never meant to minimize my fellings.

So, I do really feel better and now the weirdness is explained....hopefully, we keep happy together and continue on.

Thanks for remembering me, that we especially nice. And the perspectives were helpful with me trying to understand where she might be coming from.

I'm so glad for you! You had a great session!

I think maybe you helped me understand some things too. Thank you for your post.

How do you feel now after this session?

ECHOES

:-)
sounds like you had a great session and came out of there feeling really connected to her. i'm so glad that she was responsive to your concerns. thanks so much for keeping us updated.

:-)