Very broken

Had T yesterday. I got very upset and snapped rubber bands on myself for a long time in front if T. Never did that before. We talked o my loss if empathy. Then she compared me to my mother. I am not my mother! Not am I my father! I hate them both! I wish dreadful things upon them. And I'm talkin like I'm 80yrs old!!! What the f!!

Anyways she compared me I that b I snapped bands til bruises appeared all over my wrist and I could only see my father coming after me. The screams and cries in the night r back. I think T got frustrated sine I started snapping and stopped talking. Today I feel so broken inside and just want to hide and die. But no have to go to work and play the part that I'm ok. It's draining even when hyper. I just want it to end. End me or end these feelings and let me be like everyone else. Dead or ok is all I want.

Maybe she was saying that you are hurting yourself like they hurt you?

Also, you don't know what she was thinking. It sounds like you don't remember because of a flashback? She might not have been doing anything that your flashback was doing.

Her comparing me to my weak submissive mother caused the memories to surface. Made me feel like the weak child I was then. I'm not that child and in not my mother. I don't like bein compared to what I think is weak for me. Made me very angry and I snapped bands. It was all I could do that I believe she wouldn't view as threatening. Cuz that's all I new is to explode and become te violent monster I am inside and she calls the police and show me the door. I have to reign in my temper or I could very well be seen as a very real threat to myself or others.

A beast inside just starts to take over an all there is is intense rage.

Could you tell her this?

I'm surprised your T didn't stop you hurting yourself in session.

...or tried to get you talking about what you were feeling.

Yes, that is another good plan.

She did ask about it. She noticed I did it when we were talking about whatever we were talking about at the time. She tries all the time to get me to talk about what I'm feeling. I'm not very good at it though. And I never want to cry in front of her or anyone. I will do whatever i have to not to cry.

What are you afraid might happen if you cry?

I would not cry around the therapist either. She has tried to cause it, but it would be stupidity on my part to walk into that trap.

I hate when I cry in certain situations - like when I get frustrated at work and it comes out in tears. I hate that kind of crying. I used to hate it when I cried in therapy too, I think that was back when I was still trying to be a "good little client" or something and didn't want t to think I was weak or something, but I've changed on that regard. Crying in therapy is well, very therapeutic for me, it's like t has helped me to learn to give myself permission to release whatever crap we are talking about, something like that. I also spend time on weekends with a shamanic journey group, was just there this morning, we do a lot of sharing of feelings and stuff there too, and sometimes one or more participants get emotional, I have cried during that sharing on numerous occasions too but just like therapy is a safe place for "feeling", so is this. Crying can be a form of release, in a very real way, and that's how I view it. I have been able to let go of a LOT of pain from when I was a kid this way. I had to talk through it, and feel it all over again, but in the feeling it and talking through it and the crying/sobbing, I let it go.

I wish your T would say to you, what my T once said to me, that was just the best thing she could have said at that moment. I was so frustrated and said/almost yelled at her "T why don't you just FIX me already?" and she said very calmly "Art, you are not broken." I hope hearing it can help you as much as it did me.

so: Monkey, you are not broken.

My partner and I talk about how we feel broken most of the time. and she has told me my spirit was broken a long time ago by very bad ppl but I escaped. And since then I have been putting the broken back together. She says I've done something none of those toxic ppl have ever been able to do and that is make my own chance for happiness. I escaped I found a good partner. We don't drink or do drugs or fight. I've learned to talk to her about things in a way ie never been able to speak to another. She understands and is my support as well as her family. My toxic friends and family are miserable and they see any shred of happiness for me and try to ruin it.

I've now shut those ppl out and I am seriously thinking of blocking them or changin my number. They push and push thinkin I'll come back to them like the empathetic child I was but instead they are pushin me away cuz I couldn't care less if anything happened to them now.

As for cryin, I don't really know what I'm afraid of. I just have a very hard time crying even in intense physical pain. I bury it all and it's just how it's always been done.