Telling your T you google them

I'm sorry to be redundant, I know there are similar threads out there but I want to start my own.

My therapist has tight boundaries. I have been seeing him a year and can name the things he's disclosed (all insignificant, except for the length of time he did his own therapy) on one hand. It can be maddening. This past winter I confessed to looking him up on Facebook and it went well. He didn't bat an eye and told me he expects it. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

But I'm coming to see I'm still carrying weight. What he doesn't know is that I also used Linkedin to find out his high school and previous jobs. I think I was trying to figure out how old he is, which I think I did, assuming he started college at 18 and went through undergrad in 4 years. Using voting records I was also able to see how he is registered (Republican, Democrat, Independent - no shock there, lol.) I also used public records to search for his home through local tax records. This is the part I'm deeply ashamed of. Before he bought his house photos of the exterior and inside were posted on a realty site and I sifted through those. In a way, I've seen the inside of his house and I feel like such a creeper!

Once I did that I genuinely stopped googling. Once in a blue moon I would peek at his FB page (locked tight) just to see his picture but I realized how much extensive googling has hurt me so I refrained from anything else.

I have a session tomorrow and I really want to come clean. Am I crazy to tell him the part of the realty site? The voting records? Should I leave well enough alone and confess only to the tax records? All this is technically under public domain but it really irks me. If you're wondering, no, I never drove by his house and I didn't write down the address. Where he lives is but a distant memory and I only remember the city, which is in an affluent, quaint area

Please offer advice or personal experiences with this. Tomorrow's coming fast!



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I haven't gone that far. My T's are/have been very private. It's a bit unfair because they know so much about me, but the sessions are about me, and I don't get to know anything about them. Some of them have been really decent people that I'd like to have as a friend, but sadly that can't happen..

would it help to have more self-disclosure? idk. i've googled my t, but honestly have forgotten most of what i found because he's very easy and open and is willing to answer my nosy questions. for me, because of my history, i need a t who is cool with self-disclosure.

my guess is that if he expected you'd look him up on fb, then you probably googled him. i don't think you have to give him the gory details if it's something you need to confess. 'look, i feel terrible, but i totally googled you. i just wanted to know more about you.' and then maybe you can explore that.

I haven't told my T the actual lengths that I've researched her (and I have gone a little too far imho too).

LinkedIn I personally don't think is such a bad thing. It's not really a personal site, but a professional site.

My T knows I've done extensive research. I admit to knowing the information I found if she finally tells me about it. She does ask how I find all the information. I dodge the question, but do explain that I'm not paying for any services or doing anything illegal. She actually gets shocked now when she finds out I don't know something about her She even expected that I saw her facebook page (which I hadn't at that time, so I went home and found it ).

Like you, I know where my T lives...basically. I would never go there. I figure, if I don't want her showing up at my house, she definitely doesn't want me showing up at hera. I also understand how that would be disrespectful to her. I do have a fear of seeing people in public. I told my T I won't even use the restroom in her building for fear of seeing her outside the office. Plus I don't drive...

My T has actually asked me to use my researching skills on others... she just recently told me to research a possible DBT therapist.

I have stopped researching my T. The only thing I look for are new pictures of her. The rest I want to learn from her.

Least you know you're not alone in the researching. And if it's definitely bothering you, you should bring it up. You didn't do it to harm your T. You just wanted to know more about him.

I hope everything goes well!

Interesting time for you to post this as I just finished researching my T also.. LOL
It did feel a slight bit odd, but not so much. We live in a new age where you use technology to learn about people. IMHO, it is just what it is. I don't find anything you did to truly be out of line, but I could be wrong. I would have done the same thing.
The therapist is trained to be almost unreadable in sessions and keep the focus off of themselves. It is extremely difficult to have a relationship with ANYONE, even a therapeutic one with someone you feel you know nothing about. I there are some reasons for that, but I don't feel that internet research (even looking at the house pics) is crossing a boundary in my mind. Seeing the pics of someone online, their home (if easily viewable to public and you are not out paying someone to stalk or something...LOL) just gives you a bit of a better connection to that person.
This is all my thoughts and I hope I am not sending the wrong message. I don't even honestly feel the need to tell my T tomorrow that I just finished googling him. I don't feel like I am hiding anything creepy, I think it is just an expectation in today's day and time really.

My T is pretty open about his personal life- I do have to ask though.
I did google him in the beginning- his professional life. I guess I'm not interested in more- could be because he's so open. I would not care much for a blank slate T.
I do still believe that to google your T is pretty much OK, somehow I don't think so about his/her family/kids esp- but that's my bias, weird I know.
I guess if you want to tell him do so- why not? Therapy is a place to be as open as you wish.

You obviously have to make your own decision, but I have done extensive searching similar to what you did.

It has not come up in therapy. But my T knows that I never even went on a date with anyone until I did a thorough background check -- court records, previous addresses, tax filings, social networks, you name it.

So, T knows that I'm the Googling-kind. She can assume that I've done the same to her.

She hasn't asked and I'm not telling. If she did ask, I think I would just say, "Of course I did an extensive background check on you. I didn't find anything to suggest that you were not trustworthy."

Because honestly, if you get to the root of why you are searching it is probably this 1) to feel safe and 2) to feel closer to the therapist.

Neither is bad. I wouldn't be able to share the most personal details of my life with someone unless I knew where that person lived. That's just me. Others don't have my hangups.

Google searching isn't unethical and it isn't against the law. I think you only cross the moral-line if you lie or misrepresent yourself to obtain information. That's wrong, as I see it.

Edited to add:

I guess I haven't told T because:
--It hasn't come up

--I don't feel guilty, thus I don't feel the need to confess

--I don't see it as wrong, thus I don't feel the need to confess

--I have a clear conscience about it

--I don't want to spend precious therapy minutes talking about what of T's personal life I have discovered

--The content of our sessions is the issues I need help with or want to change. Being an extensive Googler is not something about myself that I wish to change.

--My T is not the only person in my life whom I've gathered information on. It's common behavior for me.

It may be worth exploring someday why I feel so unsafe in the world that I prepare dossiers on people before letting them in. But it's a remote issue for me.

I can relate. Also, I have enough REAL things in my life to feel guilty and ashamed about. I will not waste my time feeling guilty about doing something I feel protects me.

I googled my therapist fairly extensively, no tax records, but found a property record without too much trouble so I saw her home on Google Maps and found her address, property value, ex-spouse's name and her phone number, along with past career details, associations, facebook, etc.

I disclosed my findings in general to her, such as that I had her address and such. She was not taken aback by anything except me having her address. That one gave her pause: after thinking about it a moment, she said she trusted me and wasn't worried, but that knowing so much was online was new to her.

I occasionally look her up, mostly to see a photo since we don't meet in person, or read her blog: she volunteered her blog for me once she knew I found her comforting.

So... it went well, I'd say. A bit rocky for a bit but well. That was many months ago. It hasn't been an issue since or had any noticeable negative impact on our therapy.

One of the things about Linkedin, it gives you alerts about who looks at your profile, so it's very likely that he already knows that you looked at his profile there (hope that doesn't freak you out)

I would agree with NowhereUSA if you feel necessary to confess, let him know you Goggled him without going into all the details, unless the conversation naturally

every time one of these googling conversations comes up i want to go google my t again lol. just for kicks. i love googling people. i'm like PeeJay. i google all the people in my life. i've been googling people for at least a decade - google-fu ninja right here.

This is so funny!!

ooooh, public records,. how do i find those online? I want to look up t's house too! lol .

i know you didnt mean to give me ideas,but ... :-(

i wouldnt tell about the tax records. it just seems like too much...unless youre certain your relationship is solid.

Mac....don't worry. I'm just as crazy. I've done it all. I don't think it is anything to feel guitly about and no need to tell. I find great comfort in checking him out. We live in a time where there is very little privacy. I've seen the inside of his house online too. I know so much about him via facebook. He would croak if he knew what I know. Just relax a bit. It helps me to see his face and to know more about his life. Sometimes it hurts to see what a lovely man he really is and the great family he has. That makes me sad, but I know real love is out there by checking out his life. Let us know what you decide. I think what you're doing is really okay and not hurtful or wierd. Kind of natural, if you ask me.

i google my t a lot too, but it took me TWO YEARS to find her facebook. Which is locked up tighter than a convent :-(

hey google ninja's- wanna google my T for me and let me know what you uncover? lol

Oh that is TOOOO GREAT!!!! ROFLOL.. Maybe we need to make a T-googling support group to swap T's and go googling so we can't accidentally give ourselves away and get busted.... HAAAHAAA

I joke because I really think that REASONABLE googling is completely fine in today's day and time.

lol that sounds like an excellent idea! haha

I think it would be good to tell him, BUT keep it vague. Rather than explaining all the things you have done, you can say something like "a few months ago, I spent some time Googling you so I could learn more about you/feel closer to you, it's been weighing heavily on my mind...etc"

I do not find all confession/disclosure a good idea.

I did heavy googling and bit off more than I could chew. It was triggering, so I ended up having to tell.

***RANT ALERT***

I apologize, but I completely disagree with all of this...

Therapists and doctors have families and friends and lives outside of the office and their relationships with any of us.
They treat all types of patients from depression to sexual addiction to psychopaths, sociopaths, addictions, etc.
They have EVERY right to their privacy and have boundaries in place to protect us and them as well.
I don't think it is funny to be delving into their private lives for prurient whims of the patients
.
There are laws that protect the confidential nature of what we tell them and ethical codes to live up to. We have rights, but so do they! That is all they owe us in terms of personal disclosure. Many go beyond and are kind and empathetic and give of themselves to HELP US!!

But aren't we there to learn how to create better relationships and connections? To learn how to communicate better? To learn how to forgive and heal and get better coping skills and to live happier and more fulfilling lives? Aren't we there to learn how to trust and give trust in healthier ways? How to overcome the tragedies and traumas and bad relationships and illnesses that we suffer from? How is any of this snooping really showing that you are learning anything or trying to change or be better people?

There is an ethical issue here.... It is not appropriate to hound, stalk, cyber stalk or otherwise dig out information on T's just because we feel like it, or because we feel vulnerable in the work we do in their offices.

To joke about this invasion of privacy just ticks me off. I don't care that this is the "information age" or whether or not someone is "good" enough to cover all their electronic information... This is wrong.

If I want trust, I have to give it. If I want respect, I have to show it and be respectful. And if I want honesty, I dang well better be honest. And if I want connection, I don't go behind someone's back to dig up information or talk about them or do drive by's of their kid's Facebook pages or look at their calendars.

I'm just asking that you stop and think hard about what you are really doing. We don't want the government snooping on us, or people hacking into our private medical records, people looking at our therapist's notes, or identity thieves taking our good credit...
What we want we also have to give.

As much as they care about us, they are also humans with the same right to dignity, privacy, respect and protections as we want.

Wysteria

I was always taught that just because I can doesn't mean I always should. I'm not against researching basic professional information about a new therapist, but the digging and getting into their personal business goes too far in my opinion.

if you don't want people to know, don't put it on the internet. doing a google search is not 'hounding' or 'stalking' for crying out loud. welcome to the information age. if you don't want someone to know something, don't put yourself out there.

i'm very mindful of my digital footprint. i know what you can find on me. i have privacy settings set to max and i don't connect certain accounts to other things so people can't link info about me. why? because i *expect* people to google me. seriously. my husband has a semi-public job in our community. i expect he's been googled. i expect i've been googled. i expect people will continue to google me.

i take responsibility for myself and my internet presence.

You assume people put the information out there themselves.