New e-mail agreement with T

It would be the end of the world. Because I am that dramatic,lol. But it would be terrible. I really don't want to leave her. I can't imagine not having her in my life anymore.

Yes, I think it has a lot to do with her boundaries having been too lax, and now its irritating her so shes trying to hammer up a lot of boundaries too fast and expecting me to remain contained within them. I HATE it. But I've been so afraid she would terminate me that I haven't said anything about how shes been making me feel, till last night.

AsiaBlue inspired me to start art journaling again, so I did, and a few of the drawings were about my T. I attached a few here. I showed her these and was able to tell her how I'm feeling about all the boundaries lately.

The one of the girl figure hugging her knees, I ultimately ended up writing my T's name all inside the body, all around the body along with the words unwanted, unwilling, and resent. I'm not posting the finished version bc I dont want my T's name on PC. But it looks like the one that says "boxboxboxbox" all around it. I told her that one is about how I feel like she is suddenly making all these rules that are about her need and not mine and expecting me to fold myself around the edges of her need and if i can't, then to go find a new therapist, bc she's said that before, if I can't do ___ or ___ then maybe I should find someone else, but she said that's not what she means with the boundaries.

And then theres the "in session" one where I told her its of her yelling at me, and she said she doesn't yell at me and I said it feels like she does, and she got kind of quiet and said, "it feels like I yell at you?" like she was surprised.

I also told her I didn't like her e-mail boundaries, that they didn't make any sense and I figured she was going to just take the privilege away anyway, like she always does and what's the point of writing it down if shes going to "reserve the right" to change it again in fourteen days and use up even more session time doing it? That I'd rather just not e-mail at all anymore so I don't have that threat of her yanking it over my head.

She replied that she thought being able to e-mail was important to me, and that I was making sure my fear about not being able to e-mail would come true by taking it away from myself, that it was an emotionally reactive decision she didnt think I really wanted and wouldnt be happy with and that we should discuss it again next week, and that I should have said all these things when we were making the agreement in the first place, but that she's glad I brought them up now bc it means I'm trying to get what I need from her (even though what she got last night was mostly what I didnt want/didnt like) about the current agreement, but that its a start and we can resolve it on monday.

She seemed very much more agreeable last night and I;m not sure if it was genuine or bc I reminded her I was recording and it made her acutely aware of it being on, so she behaved differently. (I don't say every single session that I'm recording, I just ask periodically if it's still okay that I record, and she just says yes, and I think she forgets about it after awhile.)

But last night she was friendlier...she made a bunch of weird noises at the beginning of the recording (testing noises) like sirens and car alarms and such, and at the end she sang a line from blue moon, and on the way out she offered a hug instead of me asking for it.

IRL45, I'm glad you shared your thoughts and drawings with your T. Thanks for sharing here. I can relate to the one surrounded by the words, box. I admire clients like you who are able to draw their "feelings" on paper. I hope your next meeting with T goes well and continue the email conversation and resolve it.

That's bs. I would feel like such a paycheck if mine did that to me.

But if you have gmail, boomerang everything to land on her "cheaper days". What the hell is that?

Lol I can't do boomerang- I never leave them alone I just keep going back in and messing with it and changing the times etc. lol. I think it causes extra anxiety in the long run.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk