New e-mail agreement with T

So, talked to T about the e-mails.

They are no longer included in the session fee, now they cost $20 a week or $6.77 per e-mail.

A week begins on Monday and ends on Saturday, but I can only e-mail on Thurs, Fri, Sat, NEVER any Tuesdays or Sundays for any reason.

I can have two "additional" e-mails per month charged at $5 per e-mail.

The only thing that's considered an emergency is if I'm in the hospital or need to go to the hospital.

her reply day gets to be friday or saturday, her choice to choose each week bc she needs flexibility and to limit the amount of time she's working.

She wants this (that took 32 minutes of session to figure out) to be tried out as a 2 week trial then be readdressed on August 5th.

Gee, that seems weirdly complicated...
- why can't you email on certain days? Can't she just read them later?
- why the two per 5USD? What if you decided to pay weekly? Would she offer one week discount?
Seriously? No wonder it took 32 min to sort it out- if I remember it correctly that's 120 per session, so more than 60 bucks just to talk it out? Is she for reals? Honestly, I would ask to be reimbursed for that...

No way in hell I would pay someone $6.77 to send me an email.

But then, I don't really understand the whole emailing therapists thing anyway. Never did it, never want to.

I really hate your T

she says when we made the agreement a few weeks ago, i was cash pay $120, but now that insurance has taken over again they only pay $87.50, so she doesnt want to include it anymore, and I offered before to pay for them so she doesnt start feeling resentment about it, and at the time she said it was ok, but now she thinks it's a good idea.

I can't e-mail certain days bc she wants them to be "predictable" for her convenience. And her reply day also gets to be friday or saturday, her choice to choose each week bc she needs flexibility and to limit the amount of time she's working.

She couldn't make it more about the money even if she tried... Sorry

It's only $20 a week...I don't think I'm going to use it though. I think I'd rather put the money towards building a relationship with someone else, maybe the T who does the art therapy group I found. She looks like she's 12, but I guess we'll see!

E-mailing with current T just makes me feel guilty bc she obviously doesnt want to be doing it and everything she does reminds me of it. Tonight she said "this is for you, im just putting boundaries around it."

Yea. Right. More like a straight jacket in a 2x2 room.

If I stop reaching out to her/depending on her she'll be happier anyway.

I have to say this....this is utterly ridiculous. Reading this made me feel so angry for you. Why on earth are you still seeing this woman again?

I'm sorry that it's so complicated Let me share my perspective on this (please know that I'm not familiar with the "prehistory" to this).
To me the billing bit is understandable - Ts do this sort of thing for a living - but, that said, it would bother me, because it makes so apparent that what Ts offer is a "service".
But my other thought is that by establishing these very strict and elaborate rules, she makes it very clear what you can or cannot expect from her. It may be that she needs those boundaries to protect herself, or it could be she thinks that you need them in order to not spiral into too much dependence (sorry if this is all speculative, I'm just trying to give a different perspective on this). Couldn't it also be reassuring to know that the "service" is available to you following very clear rules - and those rules apply to you and your T. So she actually committed to responding to your emails, for example. So I wouldn't necessarily read her behavior as saying "I don't want to offer this service because I don't care about you" but possibly as "I don't care about email very much, but I'm offering it to you at these specific rules because I care about you and understand that you need the additional support".

My T never responds to emails unless they're to (re-)schedule an appointment. I know that he reads them before the session, and that gives me enough security. Because I don't expect him to answer, I'm not bothered too much by the fact that he doesn't. So stricter rules can be experienced as limiting, but they can also give security at the same time.

Of course, if you need more support between sessions than you T can offer, you need to discuss it with her and what that means for your relationship. Sometimes Ts simply cannot offer what we currently need.

It's not the fee I mind, its her changing her mind and all the rules with so much frequency that she cant even remember the last thing she agreed to do.

Within thje last month and a half we've gone from I can send as many as I want but she will never reply, to I can send three and she will reply once on fridays (except she sends on saturdays), to "i need to limit the time im working so out of mon wed thursday fri sat which three days are more important for you to email?" (mon/wed are my session days), and zero crisis support, the only emergency is if i need to be hospitalized bc im about to kill myself, and that this agreement provides more than the standard "BPD outside session contact, bc standard is 1 out of session contact per week). etc...

I can't deal with the up and down unpredictability of I dont like it lets have something new every other week. And if I dont pretend its all great everythings fine, or if I say I need something that conflicts HER need, she will just yank it all away and say ok then lets not do it then.

She says its for me, but it isn't, its for her and her convenience, and lucky for me if i can get something useful out of it, if not oh well.

I'm sorry - that truly sucks. If it was clear rules, OK, but changing the rules as she goes isn't helpful. At all. Because obviously she's the one who has the power to change them, and you don't, which makes the entire relationship more imbalanced as it is anyway.

This sounds like something from the days when people were not used to email and did not fully understand how it worked. It makes no sense to limit which days you may or may not email her. Perhaps she has a system in place for herself where she checks her email every so often, but that is not your problem.

The changing rules and boundaries would frustrate me no end. I think it makes sense for you to use the money to get therapy with somebody who is prepared to meet your needs.

What in the world? She needs to learn how to sort her emails, not dictate WHEN you email. That's ridiculous.

The relationship that this therapist is selling seems to perpetuate unhealthy patterns. It just doesn't seem therapeutic! I'm so sorry!

I hope that having an email agreement in place at least allows you to continue the relationship long enough to build a bridge to better therapy elsewhere!

i'm not impressed with your t. idk. i get that their time is valuable but it seems like she's needlessly complicating things and not sticking with her original agreement. she shouldn't have started with 'it's okay' and then changed it without discussion (because that's what she did) and expect you to go along with it.

i know you're trying with this t, but it seems like your money would be better spent elsewhere.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record - this relationship is doing you more harm than good in my opinion. Do you even have time to talk about issues not related to therapy billing and cost?

As usual im out of step. This sounds like a tug of war. A fight for control. Over emails? I dont get it. What do you win if you win this battle?

its not a battle. its her dictating terms if i want e-mail privileges. if i don't i can stop emailing.

I feel like youre hopping mad tho and thats what i would want to think about. DBT would call that "therapy-interfering behaviours". All the hopping!

I am just so angry at your t. You deserve a better t, honesty it's going to cause you more pain in the long run if yyou keep seeing her. BPD is her excuse! She is also very uunethical how she treats you! Run and never go back to her! ((((((((Hugs))))))))))

The therapist seems lost and confused and punishing. Have you tried other ones?

I would start interviewing new T's........

no. not hopping mad. irritated. disappointed. confused. the agreement is up for review in two weeks, so I guess we will review it and see what shes willing to change.

I did actually find someone, though. She called back yesterday after being away for a week, she's a Ph.D, she accepts my insurance and she has 2 spots a week open for me.

I just have to go meet her and see if we click, or have the potential to click.

This sounds like a great idea. Good luck !