[CalmingOcean]

In her defence- I don't blame her

I haven't gone through the whole therapy thing before (minus one very bad attempt 7 years ago, and another around the same time where the guy seemed totally disinterested because I couldn't get a word out). Anyways this was session 5 with trauma T and I was in my giddy (happy very happy) hyperarousal state, and even tho she was acting more grumpy and perturbed than usual (not that she is grumpy, she is just not the hold your hand message me if you need me kinda T haha), anyways, couldn't break myself out of it. Stupid smart mouthy happy self.

I knew it wasn't going to be good for therapy, but I did really good in group and gave great feedback to everyone

But now I am really mad at myself. I want to make progress and there was stuff I wanted to talk about.

I'm just really nervous and just can't 'be'. I have an extremely hard time with emotions, with talking, what to do blah. Is it all worth it really?

My fake life was working so well (till I got arrested) maybe I could fake it again and not engage in illegal activity.

What if sometimes I want a hold your hand kinda T. Little Ocean ain't ever gonna come out with someone so abrupt.

[musial]

I don't really understand why being giddy would cause your T to end the session early. What did she say exactly?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm also unsure as to what happened. Did she say she cancelled the session because you were giddy?

An abrupt nature doesn't sound very promising in terms of helping a therapeutic relationship to get off the ground. Have you been seeing this T long? Does she run the group as well as your individual therapy??

[HazelGirl]

Do you have bipolar disorder? If so, and you're manic, she may not have felt that a session would be helpful. I have heard of T's ending sessions with manic clients early for that reason.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Do you have bipolar disorder? If so, and you're manic, she may not have felt that a session would be helpful. I have heard of T's ending sessions with manic clients early for that reason.

That seems...harsh. I don't have bipolar but I've seen it very close to home, and sometimes my manic loved one needs somebody just to sit and be a calming, relaxed, caring presence, patiently having conversations that work towards being chill and soothing. I know everyone's needs vary but I would've thought it would nearly always be beneficial.

[ThisWayOut]

Unless you are not addressing anything and just babbling on, I don't see how ending session early would help, though I have had sessions end early because I covered everything I was comfortable addressing (it was also trauma stuff, and I was anxiously giddy and pressured, so I got through everything very quickly). I never found those abrupt ends to session useful, and always felt like more should have been covered, but my defenses were up at the time, and I think t felt like she was not able to get anywhere.

[Bells129]

I'm a bit confused as to why she'd end the session early for you being giddy. Being giddy isn't a bad thing. And even when I've been outright glaring at my T, she hasn't ended early.

[stopdog]

Are you paying the therapist? If so, then I would not give the full fee if the therapist tried to end it earlier than the agreed upon fee for time. The one I see tried to end 5 minutes early once and I just said There are still 5 minutes left and we sat there in silence for the time to be up.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

That seems...harsh. I don't have bipolar but I've seen it very close to home, and sometimes my manic loved one needs somebody just to sit and be a calming, relaxed, caring presence, patiently having conversations that work towards being chill and soothing. I know everyone's needs vary but I would've thought it would nearly always be beneficial.

I didn't say I agreed with a T who did that Just that I have heard of T's doing so because they felt like there wasn't anything they could do and it would be a waste of time.

[CalmingOcean]

Actually to be fair, Hazelgirl I think you have it spot on. I'm not bipolar but would of been easily misdiagnosed as so, but turns out chronic PTSD has same symptoms of bipolar ei a hyperarousal state would mimic very much a manic episode.

Anyways, but the thing is, the part of me that really wants to get out and talk reeeeeeeeally has a stupidly hard time especially with the barrier 'me' that I have build and I want to break down those ALS and I can't. And usually I am not this self in group (run by someone else by my T is going to be starting another group to help people... Like me expand their window of tolerance which she stresses I need, I get that), but today I was ths barrier me in group and seeing Shelly magnified that by a bazillion. I have my guards up so much with her and I know she knows this. But ****, I need advice on how to break the barrier not leave me high and dry. It might come across to her I am not trying (she said I spent the last 4 sessions deciding whether or not I wanted to change, this was our 5th session) but really, I spent the last 4 sessions learning how far into this trama **** I really am! Seriously, I thought I was fine! Then I got arrested and court ordered to see someone and get help (great program actually in Canada not dissing that). I don't know how to get help! Ack, it's all so frustrating.

Okay so if this isn't long enough here is how it went-

Walked into office, greeted her with a big smile and nice salutations (is that the right word, the how are you's back you know) complete opposite from last week where I was in one of my lows and it took me a half hour to get out that I had a really bad week and SI, anyways, I thought she would be happy to see my happy. But she seemed aggregated. Right into this thing we had to fill out (must be cuz it's government) about my goals with therapy etc, I couldn't get out much out loud and the giddy probably really seemed as tho I wasn't taking anything seriously, but hones, couldn't firkin help it) . So she said I could write it if it were easier, then words spilt out. She read them back out loud. Still couldn't commit to the feelings that should go with the words I wrote. T seeming more annoyed. So I said 'so you having a bad day...?' Honestly can't remember T's answer but thnk it went back to , no just ending to get that thing filled out. So then she put that aside, and said 'what do you want to talk about' (little background, my first visit she told me we would try EMDR, by scond visit she realized that would not happen, bad hyper arousal state that day, third visit she educated me on how trauma makes a person split into parts or rather, never bring their parts as a whole, 4th visit, I was very depressed was just coming out of a bad 5 day spell however was still hard to get anything out). Anyways, so I said 'oh, is that how this works, I just pick something I want to talk about' again, I get the smile and giddiness would make it seem as tho I don't want to take it seriously, and I get maybe I couldn't get myself back to where I could at that moment but shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Now I feel horrible. I know I am only 5 sessions in but I know I need this. I do. Only part of me 'likes the SI and ED and I quit drugs 5 years ago and last drink was June 22 and haven't shoplifted (by shoplift I guess it was more than that... I get that now) but haven't done that since the June 22nd... If that lady doesn't think I am firkin trying I am. Jesus, I just want some validation for what I have done. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. No wait, I don't need validation, I want to know how to b able to firkin talk to her. I am really mad at myself. And I don't know how many of you know of the dark place, but SI is my buffer zone to keep me here and it sucks because it should be my son, or my husband and my life doesn't really suck all that much but Jesus, I feel like ****. And I don't want to go there. I like my good days.

*sigh* sorry this is long and all over the place.

I might call T and leave a voicemail (I did that after 2nd visit and first hyper state... I said sorry if I offended you but I do want help- my never ending SIDS battling between wanting help and thinking I should just get the f$&@ over t already- anyways and told her that I need to find a way to be able to get little victim 'Ocean' out in therapy to talk to her'. And she brought that up in 3rd session, but she didn't tell me how!! :/

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Are you paying the therapist? If so, then I would not give the full fee if the therapist tried to end it earlier than the agreed upon fee for time. The one I see tried to end 5 minutes early once and I just said There are still 5 minutes left and we sat there in silence for the time to be up.

Naw nt paying. I am just a government job to her haha.

[blur]

can you try out other Ts or is she assigned to you? if yes, it can't hurt to interview a few to see who you click with best. otherwise i think it's great to leave her a voicemail or send her an email and you can even let her know you'd like to talk about certain things next week and if she could bring it up as you're not sure you'll be able to.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by blur

can you try out other Ts or is she assigned to you? if yes, it can't hurt to interview a few to see who you click with best. otherwise i think it's great to leave her a voicemail or send her an email and you can even let her know you'd like to talk about certain things next week and if she could bring it up as you're not sure you'll be able to.

*sigh* I totally screwed up my voicemail message. Probably made it worse, good grief. She is assigned to me. She runs a private practice but I see her thru government.... Soooo she doesn't have an email and since I'm not paying her in not going to use her private practice email haha.

[HazelGirl]

Can you send her a link to this thread, so that she has an idea of what is going on in your head?

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you send her a link to this thread, so that she has an idea of what is going on in your head?

But that would mean using the only email I can find for her which is her private practice one... Doesn't seen right.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

But that would mean using the only email I can find for her which is her private practice one... Doesn't seen right.

Hmm...maybe print it out and take it with you for her to read?

[precaryous]

It's probably just me - but I still missed the part where she said she was ending the session early? Why did she do that, do you think? Is it possible she still thinks you are using drugs and that is why she ended early?

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by precaryous

It's probably just me - but I still missed the part where she said she was ending the session early? Why did she do that, do you think? Is it possible she still thinks you are using drugs and that is why she ended early?

Well, she talks lots about this 'feeding the bad side' and maybe when I am in this state, it is kinda the same deal? Like to compare, she doesn't want to start EMDR until I learn not to float away and dissociate because if she starts and I do that, it is just feeding the bad side, making it stronger... I get that. Is this the same then? Dissociation is a symptom of trauma, so is hypo/hyper arousal states.... She says that is why we can't talk I guess if i am not in 'the window of tolerance' (if you look it up there is a nifty little chart that shows the hyper/hypo states on opposite scales and in the middle is your window of tolerance...

But I don't know how to work on coming down from a hyper or coming up from a hypo... And I'd rather be up than down!!

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Hmm...maybe print it out and take it with you for her to read?

Yeah maybe... That might make for some awkward sitting time while she reads it... Tho I don't know if she would. I think she is big on the gotta communicate in person what you need, like the tough love. She doesn't even want me switching meds because I have to do this on my own. So yeah, don't think she would endorse the email communications or written messages etc.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

Well, she talks lots about this 'feeding the bad side' and maybe when I am in this state, it is kinda the same deal? Like to compare, she doesn't want to start EMDR until I learn not to float away and dissociate because if she starts and I do that, it is just feeding the bad side, making it stronger... I get that. Is this the same then? Dissociation is a symptom of trauma, so is hypo/hyper arousal states.... She says that is why we can't talk I guess if i am not in 'the window of tolerance' (if you look it up there is a nifty little chart that shows the hyper/hypo states on opposite scales and in the middle is your window of tolerance...

But I don't know how to work on coming down from a hyper or coming up from a hypo... And I'd rather be up than down!!

Here we go hope this link works.

Therapeutic Window of Tolerance | Worthit2bme

[guilloche]

I'm actually familiar with the window of tolerance. The old consult-T who had diagnosed me as dissociative explained it to me, and drew me a nice picture to take home showing it! (Sigh, she would have been a great T for me... but I digress).

If you're not in the window of tolerance and you're dissociating - ending the session is not really helpful at all. She should be doing things like... slowing down and creating a safe environment, so you can tolerate being there, and working on grounding techniques and ways to help you stay safe and present.

I can't see any value in ending a session because someone is dissociating, it doesn't make sense to me? Did she say anything when she ended the session? Are you sure she ended early (versus it feeling early because you lost time?) Do you remember how the session ended? Not trying to accuse you of anything, I'm just puzzled too...

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I'm actually familiar with the window of tolerance. The old consult-T who had diagnosed me as dissociative explained it to me, and drew me a nice picture to take home showing it! (Sigh, she would have been a great T for me... but I digress).

If you're not in the window of tolerance and you're dissociating - ending the session is not really helpful at all. She should be doing things like... slowing down and creating a safe environment, so you can tolerate being there, and working on grounding techniques and ways to help you stay safe and present.

I can't see any value in ending a session because someone is dissociating, it doesn't make sense to me? Did she say anything when she ended the session? Are you sure she ended early (versus it feeling early because you lost time?) Do you remember how the session ended? Not trying to accuse you of anything, I'm just puzzled too...

No no, totally understand, especially dissociating to the extend I do sometimes, I am very familiar with forgetting or loosing time. I assure you, it was early. I was hitting the train and meeting up with someone long before I was expected.

I don't know, I thnk maybe I got the impression she felt I was wasting her time maybe? She did say 'I am glad you are having a good day'... Seemed geniune about it but from a therapist stand point I guess a good day does not equal real great depths being accessed into a persons psych if they can't bring down the wall that's hiding it. But I've never done this **** before. It all feels so weird. I tried to watch mDR sessions on youtube to see how it goes down, then I tried to youtube regular therapy sessions :/

I have a hard time getting in touch with my emotions and I think she also feels if you are not going to 'feel' what you are saying then what is the point. But geeeeeeeze, I worked hard on not feeling haha. And I do recognize that, but I can't just snap my fingers and magically bing out little sobby me. I don't even like little sobby me. The fact that she ended the session is really making me so aggrivated with myself, and it sucks. Because I am either extremely happy, or extremely down and then I have the little bit inbetween where I know the inevitable is coming, and I hate hate hate getting so low, and she knows I get low, I told her last time.

[Leah123]

I am a little apalled that she can't handle your mood in a therapeutic manner. Ending the session isn't therapeutic. If you're not in a place to do trauma work, much else can be done. If you're not in a place to be calm and serious, there are plenty of ways to still connect and benefit from her time.... if she herself is in the right state of mind. I think the problem is hers, not yours based on what you've shared so far.

If my therapist thought to end sessions because I wasn't communicating in some window of tolerance.... she wouldn't be my therapist. Therapy for me is having someone be there for ME, whichever part shows up, however I'm able to express myself.

I would feel very invalidated to have a session cut short like that.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I am a little apalled that she can't handle your mood in a therapeutic manner. Ending the session isn't therapeutic. If you're not in a place to do trauma work, much else can be done. If you're not in a place to be calm and serious, there are plenty of ways to still connect and benefit from her time.... if she herself is in the right state of mind. I think the problem is hers, not yours based on what you've shared so far.

If my therapist thought to end sessions because I wasn't communicating in some window of tolerance.... she wouldn't be my therapist. Therapy for me is having someone be there for ME, whichever part shows up, however I'm able to express myself.

I would feel very invalidated to have a session cut short like that.

I thnk that might be exactly how I am feeling... Huh.

I thnk her bg is tough love approach? I don't know, before today, it was like I couldn't wait for our session, I felt better with her. She made light of my different moods before, but it's like today she ran out of patience... Buuuuuuut I never talked allowed.... Sober... Before. She does know this. I really want to believe that she believes me when I saw I am clean?... She does sound like a really unsensitive person, even her voice mail message I was like 'AH!!' Lol. But I saw her dog side, session one when I was my desperately needing help not wanting a criminal record self, I was able to tell her some past abuse stuff with tears and all! I remember her saying 'that's good, you are not saying it like a robot'.... Problem is that is usually how it goes... I am a bit of a robot about all my baggage crap. Maybe she is discouraged I asked her last time if she was and she she turned it around and asked me.. I said no (she for the record, didn't answer).

[Leah123]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope if you share a bit of this with her, she will respond well and understand her approach didn't work for you. Sometimes they need feedback- they think they're doing what's best, but we have to help guide them to what works for us, since each person and situation is different.

I do hope things improve and you two can do some good work together.