[Soccer mom]

I've discovered something this week and wondered if anyone else has had this experience. About a month ago my T. and I figured out I have transference. She pointed it out and I agreed and it's been since my mom's death, so I guess maternal transference. I have nothing but positive feelings for her and have told her.
A few sessions ago I wouldn't tell her something that was really bothering me. She asked if I ever told my mom my feelings and I said not at all. She said like with me now. I thought I was acting that way because of the difficult subject matter.
I started comparing this relationship to my friends and family - why do I have strong feelings yet almost don't trust her to tell her. Why do I like her so much yet don't want her to say "I love you" or do anything I would have wanted my mom to do. OH, BECAUSE I"M TREATING HER LIKE MY MOM. Wow.
1. I don't want her to think I need her - just like my mom
2. I don't completely trust her with my feelings - always think she will discount them, judge, change the subject, not take them seriously - just like my mom. My T. has changed the subject several times but probably because I stopped talking.
3. Won't cry in front of her - just like I was taught
4. Feel any mention of spacing sessions or not having time for me - just like my mom

It's like the biggest ah-hah moment. BUT, how conflicting to have nothing but positive feelings for her yet treat her this way. I dreaded having more than a week away from her but I have realized SO MUCH even down to today and my session is Monday.

[HazelGirl]

Yes, I understand. And it is totally normal.

[NowhereUSA]

this is why i can't have a female t. i have issues with my mother and i would absolutely shut down with a female t. i had a female t briefly and that was disastrous. i have a male t now that i've seen long term and it's been so much easier for me to work with him.

it sounds like a struggle for you, but one that might be worth it? it sounds like you talked about it some, maybe print out the list and take it with you?

[Aloneandafraid]

I think you've enabled me to have an aha moment too. Thank you.

[Crescent Moon]

I had transference toward my therapist as well. She encouraged it. She told me I had pre-verbal attachment injury. I thought her notions of what iI needed were ridiculous, and had no intention. Of getting attached to her. At all. But it did sneak in thru a back door. And what I have to say is that very much against my will, I got very attached with maternal transference. Thank god she was a very experienced therapist and really knows what she's doing. I attribute that maternal transference with healing so much brokenness within me.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

I had transference toward my therapist as well. She encouraged it. She told me I had pre-verbal attachment injury. I thought her notions of what iI needed were ridiculous, and had no intention. Of getting attached to her. At all. But it did sneak in thru a back door. And what I have to say is that very much against my will, I got very attached with maternal transference. Thank god she was a very experienced therapist and really knows what she's doing. I attribute that maternal transference with healing so much brokenness within me.

Hmm I don't feel mine is encouraging it. But she has made it seem very normal. But all I've told her is how I want to stop these feelings etx which, honestly, I think is not true. So I think maybe she's trying to help me not realizing I'm acting the same way I would with my mom. Maybe I just want her to tell me it's ok.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Hmm I don't feel mine is encouraging it. But she has made it seem very normal. But all I've told her is how I want to stop these feelings etx which, honestly, I think is not true. So I think maybe she's trying to help me not realizing I'm acting the same way I would with my mom. Maybe I just want her to tell me it's ok.

I really get that. I think different therapists from different orientations feel differently about it. Most CBT therapists have little if any training in how to deal with it, and would avoid it like the plague. Mine had a lot of training in it and believed it was essential for me. And she was exactly right. I was very attachment-avoidant, and really didn't even understand what "attachment" meant or felt like. I was super-independent and cringed at the thought of being dependent on anyone in any way. She kept talking to me about it, with a wry smile. It would make me recoil inside, and I was quite boastful about my having no need for suck a ridiculous thing. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally. I'll never forget the day that she was telling me that she would be going out of the country for a few weeks. My heart sunk, and I (without thinking) blurted out "What will I do?" She slowly leaned over, never taking her eyes off mine, and slowly said (with that wry smile), "Sounds like attachment to me." That was when the real journey of trust began.

And transference isn't only positive. The transference I had with my therapist was based on her stepping into a role that filled a need I had that was interfering with my ability to form and sustain truly healthy relationships. Transference can also be negative (and you can actually have both at the same time!). Negative transference would be where you overlay a previous bad relationship onto your therapist. For example, if you always felt like you didn't matter to your mother and felt rejected, then if your therapist has to cancel an appointment, you might feel rejected and like she doesn't care, just like your mother. If the hurt of your childhood developed into a thing where you then treated your mother with rejection (like as a young adult, withholding emotionally), then when you next meet with the therapist after the cancellation, you might be withdrawn and unwilling to really engage.

I had a lot of both during several years of my therapy, and my therapist was just amazing in how she handled it every step of the way. But she is a firm believer in the healing power of a therapist being able to model and become an attachment figure that heals a gap left by parents that were not emotionally available. And I believe I'm living proof that she is right.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

I really get that. I think different therapists from different orientations feel differently about it. Most CBT therapists have little if any training in how to deal with it, and would avoid it like the plague. Mine had a lot of training in it and believed it was essential for me. And she was exactly right. I was very attachment-avoidant, and really didn't even understand what "attachment" meant or felt like. I was super-independent and cringed at the thought of being dependent on anyone in any way. She kept talking to me about it, with a wry smile. It would make me recoil inside, and I was quite boastful about my having no need for suck a ridiculous thing. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally. I'll never forget the day that she was telling me that she would be going out of the country for a few weeks. My heart sunk, and I (without thinking) blurted out "What will I do?" She slowly leaned over, never taking her eyes off mine, and slowly said (with that wry smile), "Sounds like attachment to me." That was when the real journey of trust began.

And transference isn't only positive. The transference I had with my therapist was based on her stepping into a role that filled a need I had that was interfering with my ability to form and sustain truly healthy relationships. Transference can also be negative (and you can actually have both at the same time!). Negative transference would be where you overlay a previous bad relationship onto your therapist. For example, if you always felt like you didn't matter to your mother and felt rejected, then if your therapist has to cancel an appointment, you might feel rejected and like she doesn't care, just like your mother. If the hurt of your childhood developed into a thing where you then treated your mother with rejection (like as a young adult, withholding emotionally), then when you next meet with the therapist after the cancellation, you might be withdrawn and unwilling to really engage.

I had a lot of both during several years of my therapy, and my therapist was just amazing in how she handled it every step of the way. But she is a firm believer in the healing power of a therapist being able to model and become an attachment figure that heals a gap left by parents that were not emotionally available. And I believe I'm living proof that she is right.

Wow thanks. I'm hoping after I point all this out to her, she will somewhat do the same. If she doesn't and I get frustrated , it will be the first time I cry in front of her. I usually only cry out of anger or frustration. I haven't told her I read this forum. I'll be sad if she doesn't treat it the same way but I guess I have to trust that she knows what's best for me.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Wow thanks. I'm hoping after I point all this out to her, she will somewhat do the same. If she doesn't and I get frustrated , it will be the first time I cry in front of her. I usually only cry out of anger or frustration. I haven't told her I read this forum. I'll be sad if she doesn't treat it the same way but I guess I have to trust that she knows what's best for me.

You could also just ask her what she thinks about transference and dependent on what she says, you could tell her that you think you may have some maternal transference going on. Simply starting like that could open up a whole really good discussion, and it'll give you an idea of where she is with the whole issue of transference in general before you 'put yourself out there.'

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

You could also just ask her what she thinks about transference and dependent on what she says, you could tell her that you think you may have some maternal transference going on. Simply starting like that could open up a whole really good discussion, and it'll give you an idea of where she is with the whole issue of transference in general before you 'put yourself out there.'

She mentioned transference first and asked when it started. I said after my mom died and she nodded. Then I told her it was wierd since we are the same age! She asked if it would be better if she was old and grey. Lol

[Soccer mom]

[QUOTE=Crescent Moon;3900137]I really get that. I think different therapists from different orientations feel differently about it. Most CBT therapists have little if any training in how to deal with it, and would avoid it like the plague. Mine had a lot of training in it and believed it was essential for me. And she was exactly right. I was very attachment-avoidant, and really didn't even understand what "attachment" meant or felt like. I was super-independent and cringed at the thought of being dependent on anyone in any way. She kept talking to me about it, with a wry smile. It would make me recoil inside, and I was quite boastful about my having no need for suck a ridiculous thing. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally. I'll never forget the day that she was telling me that she would be going out of the country for a few weeks. My heart sunk, and I (without thinking) blurted out "What will I do?" She slowly leaned over, never taking her eyes off mine, and slowly said (with that wry smile), "Sounds like attachment to me." That was when the real journey of trust began.

I had a moment where I blurted out and it surprised me. She had just said I have transference and then started scheduling the next session. I yelled "we can't stop now!" Lol

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

She mentioned transference first and asked when it started. I said after my mom died and she nodded. Then I told her it was wierd since we are the same age! She asked if it would be better if she was old and grey. Lol

Mine is only a couple of years older than me, but I look real young for my age so that, combined with my "feeling" very young at times, made it work real well. And I think she sort of has a maternal instinct thing going anyway, so she doesn't have to work hard at it. I have to say though, that although she specifically encouraged attachment and very easily talked to me about emotionally intimate things that made me cringe, we've never really discussed the transference itself. It's like she knows what's going on, and I know what's going on, but I'm not completely sure she realizes how aware I am of what's going on. There's something about that that sustains the magic. I can tap into it whenever I need it, and it's always available, but I don't have to deal with actually admitting outloud that I need something. She's attuned to me. And never tries to push any of it on me, but when I'm trying to tap into it, as a rule, she responds.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I had a moment where I blurted out and it surprised me. She had just said I have transference and then started scheduling the next session. I yelled "we can't stop now!" Lol

Oh man... I don't know what I'd do if mine did that. But then again, early on when she'd bring stuff like that up I'd get real squeamish and be ready to bolt. But after I gave into the transference and attachment and let myself be held by it, I wouldn't have done well if she brought anything like that up and then shifted to scheduling. She has always been real good about bringing me back to my baseline if the transference was activated in therapy.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

Oh man... I don't know what I'd do if mine did that. But then again, early on when she'd bring stuff like that up I'd get real squeamish and be ready to bolt. But after I gave into the transference and attachment and let myself be held by it, I wouldn't have done well if she brought anything like that up and then shifted to scheduling. She has always been real good about bringing me back to my baseline if the transference was activated in therapy.

I was rereading this thread after an interesting session with my T. this week. I think I have finally told her all my feelings regarding her. Just took 3 months. LOL. I, for the thousandth time, told her again I don't like feeling close to her and want to go back to the sessions when I didn't. She used to ask why. This time she asked "why is it a bad thing"? I just stared at her. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but it seemed to be the first time she was giving me permission to feel this way. I had once asked her to tell me to embrace them or fight them and she said she can't. This has been my best week because I feel like it's ok now. Just an update!