[Soccer mom]

Do you feel like your husband doesn't understand therapy and/or your reasons for going?
My T. recommended I tell my husband more about our sessions so he has a "full deck of cards" when interacting with me and for parenting purposes. I talked to him last night about my last session and my feelings towards my T (she's female, maternal feelings towards her). He's known and I have suggested he research transference. He got irritated saying that it looks like therapy will have to end and I'll be upset, so might as well end now.
I read him something about attachment issues and those with them feel even stronger feelings towards their T. I also gave him an example of him going to a male T. and feeling like he could be his father. None of it helped. I have offered to bring him to a session. When I told him he could have read about transference by now he said "you can't expect me to do things right away". I reminded him I told him about it the end of June/first of July.
My husband knows my T. and has even been to her. It makes me never want to discuss it with him again.

[HazelGirl]

I am sorry. I'm not sure why he has such a hard time with it. Maybe it makes him uncomfortable that you would be this close to someone else?

[stopdog]

I only rarely mention things to my partner - and she has seen a therapist for about 20 years.

[Leah123]

My husband's understanding about therapy, but it's taken time to get to this place. Most of these concepts: transference, attachment issues, etc. are foreign to non-clients, and even to many clients really. The concepts are both complex and reading about them can easily lead to misconceptions, because there are so many varied interpretations, and both have some concerning aspects, so... I'm not surprised by his reaction. I'm curious what it is you want him to know about you and your therapy and why, and if focusing on that might give you a clearer path to reach him.

[guilloche]

Oh Soccer Mom... yikes! I'm not married, but I don't think I'd want to talk about T to a husband/boyfriend/etc. It just feels so personal. I understand that there are some things that are important to share so that you both can parent effectively, but I don't think you (or anyone) needs the additional stress of having your husband question your therapy and tell you that since it's going to painful to end, you should just end it now (!!!).

Is it possible for you to just put a boundary around this? Like, "I know you don't fully understand why I need therapy, but I do need therapy and plan to continue. I'd like to share some of the insights and work I do around parenting with you, but other than that, I'm going to consider it personal and would prefer not to discuss it."

I don't know, maybe that's not appropriate for what the situation is - but you get the idea? Because, really, T is hard enough... you don't need someone encouraging you to leave!

[SabinaS]

I may be misunderstanding here but it sounds as though you want him to understand how you feel about your therapist and therapy, is that right? Do you know why it's so important to you for him to understand? It is good to have support and understanding but those are your feelings and your transference, it might be really difficult for him to understand, as he's not the one feeling it, however hard you try to explain.

Also, as Hazel mentioned, he might feel uncomfortable or even jealous about you developing a strong relationship/feelings with another person. Perhaps he has attachment issues and is frightened of losing you?

Mine sometimes asks, I used to feel obliged to tell him but now I don't so much - it's my therapy, my journey. He can also be quite scathing & angry about the fact that I go, because it's something separate to him and us I think. So I find it best not to talk about it too much... unless it is something useful, that can help with parenting or our relationship.

[Soccer mom]

Actually, my therapist is the one who encouraged me to talk to him about it. She said the more I didn't communicate with him, the worse things would get. At the time, I was pushing him away and wanting to be alone a lot. I'm in a better place now, so thought I would just keep him up to date.
I am now realizing maybe this just needs to be my own personal journey. One issue I have is I'm becoming more emotionally aware and he's, rightfully so, staying in his place. So, I get worried we're going to grow apart.
Definitely something to bring up to my T. next week.

[NowhereUSA]

i talk to my husband about my sessions. i don't necessarily go in-depth all the time, but my t encourages me to be open with my husband so i am. however, my husband is someone i am very close to and who wants to understand what i'm dealing with.

[Leah123]

Perhaps you could convey your concerns without the jargon. I've found, through therapy, that just saying how I feel and what I need simply works best. I don't tell my husband I have attachment issues stemming from early trauma: I tell him it really helps me to have my therapist to turn to and rely on to help me be a better mom since mine isn't trustworthy. That's just sort of a generic example, but I think the key is figuring out what you want from him, not just telling to tell.

I tend to tell my husband about things that are emotionally stressful to help defuse them and sometimes to get some encouragement and support, or to clarify a relationship concern. I stick mostly with talking about concrete events: "I was talking about XYZ in therapy and it was hard because ____________." And then he'll respond or I'll explain a bit about what I need, whether it's understanding or a hug or just to vent, or often, to get his opinion as a more objective party.

It is a legitimate worry that you'll grow apart. I hope you'll be really honest and plain with him about your needs, especially during this difficult time having lost your mother. I figure that's being fair: if we are honest and ask for what we need and try to meet the other person's needs as well, we can take this journey in good conscience. I'm very fortunate my husband has stepped up and joined me on the path. He's gotten into therapy at my request, and made other significant changes, so it is definitely possible to stay close, though it can be a bit of a bumpy and scary road.

[someone321]

I'm really sorry that you struggle with this and that your husband isn't very supportive...

I have a great husband who is very understanding, patient and supportive but I do not share sessions with him at all. I think that not because he wouldn't get it but because he doesn't know why I actually am in therapy and telling him my story might be too much, he's so sensitive

[Parley]

I don't talk to my husband about therapy. He doesn't like the idea of me being closer to someone else but he supports me going to therapy. He met my therapist once and ask how sessions went but we don't go into details. It was a learning process for the both of us.

[Lauliza]

When I first started going and there were very specific issues relating to my relationship I did mention it a lot, but that didn't go over well. T was viewed as a svengali type influence so there was resentment.

Now it doesn't come up much. I only mention things that might relay parenting/general advice or interesting psych related facts. Plus therapy is the one place where I can say anything, things I wouldn't share with my friends or family, so I usually don't talk to anyone about it. I'm sorry your husband isn't supportive, but like you said maybe therapy needs to be just for you right now. You could use communication strategies you learn in therapy into practice with your husband without talking about the sessions themselves. I don't think it's unusual for people without knowledge or experience with therapy to feel uncomfortable or even resentful of therapy, especially if they see changes in their partner that they are not thrilled about. Hopefully it will become something he's more understanding of with time. It's a process...

[justdesserts]

I try to tell my husband general things, but because he and I are having problems, I keep our conversations very general. He hasn't been very supportive in some of the interventions my T has wanted to take when I was at my worst, and that almost broke my heart, so I share a lot less with him now.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

I try to tell my husband general things, but because he and I are having problems, I keep our conversations very general. He hasn't been very supportive in some of the interventions my T has wanted to take when I was at my worst, and that almost broke my heart, so I share a lot less with him now.

A great book to read is The Five Love Languages. I'm almost done with mine. My husband, of course, hasn't started. There's also one to learn your child's.

[SabinaS]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

One issue I have is I'm becoming more emotionally aware and he's, rightfully so, staying in his place. So, I get worried we're going to grow apart.
Definitely something to bring up to my T. next week.

I get this exactly and feel the same way. It is scary when you start moving in different directions or at a different pace. I am so used to talking about my feelings, I am often so shocked that H won't even acknowledge that he's in a bad mood!

I have learned a lot from therapy which I think is useful to my husband (eg dual process model of grief) and I do share that kind of thing with him. I have always had a really honest relationship with H but stop short if telling him things I think will hurt him (eg details of former abusive relationship)

[OneWorld]

Nope. Never. It sometimes affects our conversations, but he doesn't know I'm in therapy so I never talk about the sessions. even if he did know, I highly doubt I would talk about it.

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Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Do you feel like your husband doesn't understand therapy and/or your reasons for going?

Absolutely. When I saw my previous therapist (more than two years ago, now), H knew I was in therapy, but he did not understand why - nor did he care. If I tried to tell him anything about therapy or my therapist, he was very open with the fact that he didn't really care or want to know. Which is more than fine with me, but it also meant that he got a bit impatient with the fact that I kept going. So I have not told H that I am still in therapy, with a different therapist, since a couple of years. My therapy is going much better because of that, and my T agrees with me that there is nothing strange or wrong about not telling one's partner that one is in therapy.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

A great book to read is The Five Love Languages. I'm almost done with mine. My husband, of course, hasn't started. There's also one to learn your child's.

Different strokes for different people: I have not read the book but I have looked at the website, and the models and situations they presented do not have any bearing on my life, so I would like to point out that it is not for everybody. In addition I got rather annoyed with the patronising tone on the website. So to be honest I would not blame your husband for not wanting to read the book - it's possible that the text does not relate to him at all, and that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to change or to understand you.

[healed84]

I share very little.. but it also goes in spurts. If we are talking about stuff in session that would be helpful for H to know, then I will share.

[(JD)]

Sorry, but if it would be helpful for the spouse to know, then the spouse should be in therapy with you, or the T should plan a joint session and the T can share---

Too many times I've seen where the spouse was part of the problem and only took the information to later use against the patient (even to divorce proceedings!)

If it helped in some relationships, that's good to hear.

In the beginning, my h would always hint around trying to find out what we talked about in my sessions. I would never tell him specifics cuz its my therapy, very rarely did it mention him back then, eventually he stopped asking. I share occasionally, especially when I've had a really emotional session or have a therapy hangover just so he knows why I'm acting wierd. Mostly though, it's between me and t only. He has never and will never be in a session with me. I am selfish like that. Ha!

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[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Sorry, but if it would be helpful for the spouse to know, then the spouse should be in therapy with you, or the T should plan a joint session and the T can share---

Too many times I've seen where the spouse was part of the problem and only took the information to later use against the patient (even to divorce proceedings!)

If it helped in some relationships, that's good to hear.

i guess maybe because it's dbt it helpse? idk. my H has never used anything against me and encourages me to go. he admits that he feels a little bit of jealousy but that it's about him and not me and he knows that i need this. he only ever asks 'how did therapy go' and let's me decide what i'll say.

so i feel very safe and i guess i always have.

if it matters, i did find that as i practiced skills (i did/do dbt) my h responded to that. it broke down some walls we had built because of my depression and his inability to work with it. i would say five years after therapy, my marriage is way better than when i started.

but every marriage is different and it can be hard to navigate. i don't think someone *has* to share, but i do think that certain things can be helpful (but without the jargon).

[ShrinkPatient]

Very rarely!!