[ScarletPimpernel]

I see my T in 3 hours. I'm terrified. I spent the whole night vomiting because of the anxiety. I took double the Ativan (Have Pdoc's permission for that dose). Thankfully, it worked. I slept through the whole night. But now that I'm awake I'm nauseous again and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

What if she leaves me? What if she can no longer accept me as a person? What if this is my termination session and I don't know it? What if she lies? Or puts on an act? What if she wants to punish me?

I know it's all irrational, but what if? Her past emails used to say: "Don't worry". This week she didn't write that. So what if my worrying is justified?

I know I got a lot of support on here for opening up about my past. And my T has been the most amazing T I have ever met. But she's human...

I wish I never told her. I wish today would go away.

Lots of good thoughts coming your way. Would you like pocket riders?

[Perna]

Can you teach yourself to Don't Worry "now"? If it is your termination session and you don't know it, you aren't going to know it any better until you do know it? I have found with my anxiety that other people, especially my therapist, tend to be a lot less anxious than I am so my worries are way out there beyond their normal imaginations. I bet your T probably did not say, "Don't worry" because she did not even think of it, could not imagine the amount of worrying you are doing! In that way I wanted to be like my T and use to think about how calm she is to calm myself. I always felt the sky was falling but my T was always calm -- so, logically, either the sky is not falling or my T is the one who is unrealistic/crazy? I didn't think that so. . . I remind myself the sky is not actually falling, even though I have decided in my own head it is. When I put it like that, it just seemed stupid to me that I wasted energy thinking that way. If the sun is out where you are, go stand in it and think about how silly it would be to worry that it might rain?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Lots of good thoughts coming your way. Would you like pocket riders?

Yes please!!!!

I'm in! I'll be the one with the fur and the trunk.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Perna -- My T does know how bad my anxiety is right now. I emailed her last night saying that I don't think I can see her, that I'm physically sick from the anxiety, etc. She asked me to please still come.

But I will try going outside in the sun for a bit. I've been working on changing my patio into a "peaceful" garden: butterflies, hummingbirds, water fountain, plants... Least I'm not driving to see her... It's a 40min drive... I wouldn't be safe.

[kraken1851]

Sending lots of good thoughts!

[Soccer mom]

It will be fine!!! I know, hard to believe. Let us know how it goes!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well, I survived...barely. When I first entered my T's office, I couldn't look her in the eyes. I sat down in my normal spot, but she instead sat next to me (she has NEVER sat next to me). She got up right away, shut off all the lights and then sat back down next to me. She talked in a very quiet whisper and periodically would touch my arm or knee.

I cried so much. My T found a little pleasure in it because she finally got to offer me tissues and I had to accept. She was so caring and so supportive. She finally got me to relax a little when I told her how my ex-church performed a type of exorcism to cast out the demon of depression. She asked if it worked. I said no because I still have depression. She said: "Yeah, they don't usually work...except in movies". She got me to laugh

I ruined the end of session. I asked to hold her hand. She said no it's a boundary for her. I felt so rejected. She told me I could leave if I wanted to, but I only heard "you can leave". I bolted out in a complete breakdown. Didn't make it very far...my fiance stopped me and I collapsed in the hallway. I was devastated: not because she wouldn't touch me, but because I left w/o a hug. My fiance went to talk to her. He got her to come out and give me a hug...I got two hugs.

I've already emailed my T an apology email for being extremely emotional and disrespecting her boundary. But I realized now, I'm glad she has that boundary. If I feel physically sick from touching myself (i.e. showering), her touching my skin directly could have made me feel violated by her and that would be worse than rejected.

I am glad I saw her. I am so appreciative to have her in my life. I have the reassurance that she truly accepts me and cares about me. I couldn't dream up a better T.

Thank you all for your support!

[Petra5ed]

I'm glad it worked out well for you! Sounds like a great session, see here you were so worried your T would leave and she did kind of the opposite and instead got closer. It's weird she wouldn't hold your hand but would hug you, but I guess every T has a weird thing about them...

[ScarletPimpernel]

She won't touch skin to skin. So when she touched my arm or knee, it's because I had clothes covering that part of my body. She said she only touches her husband's and daughter's skin. I asked her what about handshakes and she kinda dodged that by saying I didn't ask for a handshake. It's okay. I'd rather hugs anyways.

[HazelGirl]

Yeah, that's a little weird. But maybe she's slightly OCD? Haha. I am so glad your session went so well!

[ScarletPimpernel]

She is a little weird. I prefer her that way

[growlycat]

Although it sounds like it was hard to do, it sounds like a great session in lots of ways.

I hope this opens up new therapy opportunities for you. You made it!!!

[pmbm]

Scarlet, I am so proud of you for showing up for your session and so thankful for how your therapist handled it. I recently emailed my T a similar email, and I have not had my next therapy session yet, and I am filled with anxiety over it. Thank you for being a good example to me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by pmbm

Scarlet, I am so proud of you for showing up for your session and so thankful for how your therapist handled it. I recently emailed my T a similar email, and I have not had my next therapy session yet, and I am filled with anxiety over it. Thank you for being a good example to me.

I hope your session goes as well as mine did, if not better!

[ScarletPimpernel]

As someone in my other post said, revealing these types of things can make the therapeutic relationship stronger. I think it has with my relationship. She thanked me for letting her into my "secret world".

And also what others said, she told me to reverse the situation: would I judge, reject, hate her if she experienced what I experienced... I could never hate her. And I would only reject her if she hurt me maliciously.

I am still scared. I'm scared that my secret is no longer a secret. But there's no going back. I'm glad I told her. I'm glad she didn't reject or abandon me. I know she understands me a lot better, and I think she trusts me more.

She gave me and my fiance a homework assignment today: I had to review with him all the ways that she has shown me she cares about me. So far I have over 50 examples... It's so hard to let go of fear, but with over 50 examples of caring acts...

I love my T

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

She is a little weird. I prefer her that way

LOL, me too. I hate people that are too boring and predictable. Funny, I actually hate people touching my hands. I have a good reason for it, but anyways I prefer hugs to handshakes (that is if I want anything to do with the person.)