The process.

I went and visited with my step mother on Thursday. Since being in therapy I'd managed to build a relationship with her again. In the begining I couldnt be in the same room with her for longer then 20mins. With time things have got a lot better. I put my boundairies in place and she hadn't emotionally abused me.

Well this last visit was awful. As soon as I arrived I could sense she was "off", an ability I've had to have since my memory started, having to work out how she is so I would know how much distance I would need to remain safe. She is a facist of the first degree. I can't even begin to go into detail with the crap that came out of mind and mouth. It was awful. My insiders were all over the place running for safety.

I got pulled in at least once and then said "stop! I am not getting pulled into any of this" I'd never been able to say something like that before and mum looked confused, almost ashamed. Thats where my confusion got worse. This woman that raised me, that was so cold and lacking ability to be real and genuine and caring, was looking like a very vunrable person. I was caught between wanting to make her feel ok, and anger for her unwilliness to take a look at herself, to change.

It felt like for the first time *I* the observer, got to feel everything my insiders had had to feel all their lifes. I understood why I had gone into hiding. I felt on the edge of a wave about to feel the overwhelming feelings of being smoothered by her maddness. My constant battle to remain me the best way I could. I was never asked a question,never asked what I liked. What my day was like, I never got to know me. It was always "you" statements, "Its your thought" or "you make me feel this way" or "you dont love me your a taker" all this from as early as I can remember.

Being there Thursday and seeing all this was heavy. I know its going to be good in the long run for validation reasons. What also hit home was all of a sudden I saw what was her and what was me. Sometimes when I'm indoors and going into a fit at home I saw that I was acting out my step mothers wounds. SInce thursday its like I have been reborn, before Isay something I am knowing whether its what I am truely thinking or whether its my internalised step mother coming through me again.

I realised how much therapy has silently been working. Enabling to get to know me. All the silences, all the sitting with the pain, or the compassionate looks from T, have all added up. Bit by bit I have been being rebuilt from the inside and not always being aware of it.

I still feel like I'm holding back a bit and can't quite fully feel the grief of what I didn't get growing up. I feel I'm holding onto a bit of the past and a bit of the future still not quite able to let go and fully feel the pain, but I also am getting more a sense of "Its already happened" I get a feeling off relief that I am not back there, that I have grown and have my own family now. For too long I've been living like I had to defend myself still because I was back there.

What happens to the human soul when it isn't shown compassion!!

Yes, indeed... compassion is necessary! Did you know that a baby when born, if not held at all...will die? You can give the baby warmth, sustenance, physical care such as diaper changes, but if not held...

I'm glad you survived what you went through...and that you are nearly through it comparatively.

Therapy does work It's tough to hang in there when you don't "see" or "feel" anything working in therapy...but to eventually see results like this recharges you.

TC

Mouse, you write about the process so eloquently and clearly! I hated the understanding that I couldn't put into words very well. Won't your T be surprised and pleased :-)

I almost had to laugh as my stepmother got more and more senile as she was dying over 5-10 years and I kept being pushed into positions where I was initially confused and then understood. I finally came to an understanding of my stepmother, how she wasn't all "bad" or our relationship all negative (or me all "good"/abused). I still remember the role reversal I did one morning when I had to take her to the doctor's early and got up even earlier and made sweet rolls and stopped and bought little cartons of milk so when I got to her house to pick her up I had a little picnic for us for breakfast. She was thrilled, like a child would be, and the rolls were still warm, etc. I did enjoy doing it and it reminded me of a couple of incidents in my childhood and I did feel warm and loving, a "different" person. When I told my T she was thrilled with me :-) But the whole "package" stays with me and helps me now still though it was 15+ years ago. As complicated and painful or bittersweet as some of the incidents are that help with the healing; I got so I wouldn't trade them for anything.

((Mouse))

You are so articulate. I admire how you can describe your experiences so clearly.

Moments of clairty like yours are just amazing, aren't they?!

It's like something falls away and a peacefulness takes its place.

I'm glad for your peacefulness today.

Wow, mouse. What a moment. What an epiphany. I am sitting here cheering you from the sidelines.

sunny

mouse_

thank you for sharing your therapeutic work here with the community

you're dedicated to your survival and recovery in a very grounded and healthy way. that much shines through your posts.

keep on and keep healing.

what work! what stamina! what a survivor!