I need to process this session.

So maybe writing about it will help.

It started out with a pretty in depth discussion of what "okay" means. Very often, I will tell T about things that think, feel, or do, and he'll say it's 'okay' to think, feel, or do that. I wanted to clearly define what 'ok' means. Does it mean it is 'ok' to express these things in therapy? Or is it just that it's completely 'ok' to feel the way that I do? Where is the line drawn? If something is 'ok' does that mean that I don't have to change the behavior. Often, the things that I think/feel/do feel so wrong, and I do understand that he is trying to normalize these things in the context of my life because they are truely what is normal to me. But at the same time, while I accept that it is 'ok' to feel a certain way, am I always accepting that I shouldn't change?

So that was the conversation for the 1st half.

Then we began to talk about my SI. I told him how I had SI'ed right before I came to see him because I was feeling all manic-like and I needed to calm down. He said that the SI is a release for me. I told him that I really never have the urge to try to stop. Then I entered into some serious transference.

I told him that he didn't seen concerned that I SI. He explained that it is not as if he is advocating that I SI-- it's just that if I am not ready to stop, he will be with me to talk about it and examine it. He said that it concerns him, but what has always concerned him more is my reckless driving habits. He said something could happen to me, and maybe I wouldn't be able to therapy for awhile if I got hurt, and definite not, if I got killed. Then the transference really kicked in. I got mad as hell at him and I wouldn't even look at him or talk to him. This went on for a couple of minutes, and of course it was nearing the end of the session. Then all of a sudden, it all came out in a way that it had never come out in therapy before.

I told him, "I don't want to f***ing talk to you about this because you don't give a sh**. No one ever gave a sh**." And I went into a whole thing about how no one in my past has ever made the effort to seem concerned or the least bit helpful about anything regarding my SI. But I wasn't just saying it, I mean, I was really letting it go. I almost started to cry, but the tears never made it out.

At this point the session really did have to end because I could tell he already kept me extra. Then he said something that really struck me.

He asked me to call him. He told me that I can call him before our Friday session so that we can talk about this some more.

I am still processing this session. The emotions that I would have liked to have experienced afterwards kind of got lost because I went to a friend's apartment and had dinner with her, and ended up having a great time. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I'm not used to be so thrust into 'real world' activities immediately following therapy, I'm afraid I lost something on the way.

I want to cry about it. I want to reexperience the emotion that was coming out at the end of the session. But I am just numb.

I know he told me to call, but I am not sure if I can.

I'm reading your post, all attentive, preparing to type my two cents....then I feel the bar of soap slipping out of my hand...y'know, you wanting to experience your emotions at the time of your exit, yet it slipped away as you went to spend time with your friend. So yeah, I can understand the numbness. Kind of like you need to get back into the therapy room to be able to recapture the experience, and then sit with it....

I had this really intense conversation with my mother last Friday, saying a lot of things that I'd been wanting to say to her for a long time. And the day after, I was just kind of reeling. I couldn't name a single emotion I was experiencing. It took a couple of days before I could even pull out a single thing that bothered me, or that I needed to consciously think about further. It can take a long time to work through things in the back of your brain.

Becca

It is my experience nothing ever just "goes away;" if it is important it will come back. Our minds/bodies/selves are so good at regulating that we take them for granted and don't "see" it, thinking our heads are in charge and can command the whole show. LOL! The enormity of the work your mind and body is doing without talking to your thinking/talking head is iceberg huge.

Were I you, pinksoil, I would call your T just for the "exercise" on Friday, just because it is difficult. It doesn't have to be the perfect conversation or solve all your problems, etc.; you're new at it so it will probably disappoint you in its banality and your inability to say anything much. But I recommend giving it a try? It's all connected and calling your T like he asked in the last session will kind of help with what happened in the last session, even if it is all "underground" for the moment. Think of yourself as a subway with some parts in the inner city underground and other parts in the suburbs (or, in New York, the "El") above ground.

Pink, my take on your therapist is that he does care. I agree with you that your feelings need to come out. I struggle with this as well.

I'm sure I can speak for everyone here on this forum, you won't find anyone here that doesn't care about you. I for one, accept you as you are. You have some pain that needs to be released.

I didn't post this last week but right before my session with T, I was so upset that my appt almost was canceled. This coupled with all of the prior uncertainty, I did a little SI too.

I think it was because I used to pick at my fingers but now that I had the solar nails put on I can't do that anymore and they are beautiful now. At the time, I didn't have that release. I did this one other time, a long time ago during my first marriage. Just in a different way.

My main point is your T understands that there is pain and that it is coming out. I'm sure he was glad that you yelled at him. He also was showing you by asking you to call that yes, he cares and he's there for you.

As I am...

(((pinksoil)))

I hope you will call him. How caring he is to suggest this.

I can understand how your post-therapy evening with your friend pleasantly sidetracked you. I don't like to have anything scheduled after my therapy sessions in order to better process and feel. Just drive home, cook dinner for the family, veg out, etc. Maybe at this stage in your therapy you can give yourself some processing space afterwards and not schedule any post-T social events.

Your comments about SI are interesting to me. It's almost like your SI has been a cry for help and attention, throughout your life, and you are mad that no one has ever really noticed or seems to have cared (sorry if that is not a correct interpretation!). That is really interesting to me, as I was a chronic SI-er but I kept it really hidden and didn't want anyone to know. For me it was not a call for attention but a way to deal with pain, and I felt it was really deviant and didn't anyone to know, ever, and never told anyone. It sounds like your T is ready to talk about your SI when you are ready to want to deal with it. I think he was not rejecting you at all. I too am worried about your reckless driving. Please, take care.