Performance

Lightbulb, fkm - and thats why she never felt she had to talk to me: as an extension of herself, i would have known what she was thinking. Wtf.

Maybe so. Or even that the existence of you thinking independently had no reality for her. Like she had no need to talk to you because only she was the holder and controller of thought. So only her need for some reflection from you would prompt her to see or communicate with you? And then if you didn't reflect her, that would be discordant?

I don't think my mother was a narcissist, but rather filled with projections onto me. I was invisible except as a holder of her projections. Not sure how that relates to her needs. Maybe a way of staving off some sort of fear or bolstering her own ego strength? Not sure what the label for that would be?

Did you ever experience the sense that your mother saw herself in competition with you? That would flair up sometimes for me.

Whenever i got something she wanted, definitely competition. Like an older boyfriend. But pretty much she thought she had me beat - she had bigger boobs, so she won everything i feel like i never even moved off the starting line, in her eyes; she would just say whatever i was doing "didnt count" (which explains why i dont love when stopdog says her t "doesnt count" ). It didnt count because it didnt fit the picture she had in her mind of me.

Would you prefer I use a different dismissing phrase for therapists to show I don't consider them to be among the number I figure in my life?

Although I find it very different from saying a hired consultant does not count in one's real life versus saying one's own child does not. Those are very different. And I really don't think the idea bothers the therapist for whom I do not count either.

Thanks for asking. But there is no reason for anybody to change anything. Except for me to make myself "count" more in my own life. Aha moment. Aha OCD counting moment.

I brought this up with T again. I finally mentioned how I am always afraid that people (including him) will discover that I am nothing, that if the layers of performance and dissembling are removed, there is nothing there. That I have no identity.
At which point T mentioned a number of things he knows I enjoy doing, and other things he knows about me, my opinions and fears and so on, and asked me who likes those things, and has those feelings. It was quite a revelation - maybe my identity is also to do with what I like and dislike and think, and not only how other people perceive me.
This became even more powerful because the previous evening, my closest friend had said "you can dislike yourself all you want, but you can't decide what I think about you" - which is sort of the same thing from the other side. I don't know if this makes sense to anybody else, but for me, things really fell into place. T seemed so happy that I'd made this leap, and that felt good, too.
It looks so obvious written down here, but it was a major thing for me. I've been mulling it over since Thursday, and I'm still feeling good about it.

I'm so pleased you had that good experience in therapy and then mirrored by a friend.

I find that one of the gifts of therapy, that... wonderful validation, the support and strength I receive from being seen clearly.