Performance

I know that therapy is not supposed to be about performing well in the therapist's office. I know that we are free to say whatever we are thinking, in whichever way is most natural to us, and I know that self-censorship is not conducive to good therapy. My T has been making these points, patiently and repeatedly, to me for more than two years now. Everything verbal is allowed in T's office, I know that, intellectually.

I still can't get away from the sense that I have to perform well, though. Even when I'm pissed off at T, I am constantly thinking about how I am presenting my anger, whether it is appropriate to show it and, if so, how I should show it, what he is thinking, if I seem too angry or not angry enough...

Can anybody else relate? How do I get away from this?

Oh Mast, I totally relate to this. I am so anxious about the impression I portray. You have made me realize something I hadn't really considered before. I am so desperate for her approval. I so desperately want her to like me.

Thank you - intellectually I know she is professional and I am there to see her in a professional capacity but it means so much more to me. I would be so worried if I thought I hadn't "performed well" in session.

This is saying a lot about me, isn't it!

I get what you mean. I feel like I always have to be a nice person and not swear or show my worst side.

I can totally relate to this and for me it derives from a life time of people pleasing and trying to please a mother who can never be pleased. I found that my other ts ever mentioned it but I am sure they noticed however my current role will always ask me something and then snap her fingers and say without thinking give me the answer, the first thing that comes to mind this has really helped me stop over analysing things.
I know that you say your time calls you on it but has he explored in any felt why you are so eager to please him?
Does this happen with you in other relationships or just the therapeutic one mast?

It sounds very much like a transference or projection, so I would think like all transferences, it serves a need. Figuring out what the need is by engaging the thoughts and feelings in the moment it is happening in session would be easiest for the T. Perhaps not easiest for the client.

Do you have any ideas about what performing well means for you? Does it protect you from something? Is it about identity? Does it reflect a fear?

I used to be much more like this. But I hit some situations where I just had to be honest and blunt, and when my T didn't pull back from me for it, that's when I sort of really started learning that I could say whatever I wanted. I am relatively relaxed now, most of the time in session. A few weeks ago, I hadn't slept well, and at one point I absent-mindedly put my head down on the arm of the couch. I instantly sat up and apologized, but it really showed me how much I have come to relax and just be there in my sessions.

I feel the same way! It's as though just an automatic behaviour takes over. I also couldn't imagine showing anger in front of... well... anyone, not even my T. Does your T know? Can your T tell when you're being congruent? Might be a useful thing to talk about.

I have been honest and forthright with my T. I pretty much tell her everything, but she still seems to think that I'm performing. I'm not really sure what it is that she expects. Its like she thinks that there is some other me that doesn't come to session, and I really have no idea what that other me even is.

I too can relate. Anytime I feel like I said or did something "wrong", I apologize. It could be crying, being angry, being resistant to something, or even if I feel I'm regressing or stuck.

My T actually tells me constantly to take things easy. I am always trying to over-achieve everything. If I'm supposed to do one assignment, I do 10. If I'm supposed to read a chapter in a book, I read 5. If I need to contact people (insurances, DBT groups, etc.), I do it all in one day and provide proof. Then I wear myself down and literally have a breakdown

I just constantly feel like I need to prove to her my effort.

I worry if I don't do "the homework" that CBT T will refer me elsewhere. I care too much about being likable.

Yes, i was just talking about his on HazelGirl's recent thread. I transfer childhood feelings of needing to make him feel good so that i can get crumbs of nurturing or affection from him (i.e., he is a really quality therapist, but making him feel good includes unconsciously doing things to make him feel like a really good therapist who is successful in treating me.) In the transference, it's also the only way he can tolerate spending an hour a week with me, and it will prevent his being cruel to or abandoning me.

Other reasons for this type of thing can range from perfectionism, need to control...to guilt and low self-worth.

Is there anything from childhood that you can connect to this?

Apologies for not getting back to the thread. I've been away over the weekend, and then swamped with work, and I wanted to respond properly.

Thank you for sharing this. It does help to know that others can relate.
And yeah, I do want T's approval and I always expect him to disapprove. And it is always possible to see signs of disapproval, if one looks hard enough.

Yes... I do swear in therapy, because, well, everybody swears so it's part of the performance. Sometimes, at least.

That sounds very useful. Thanks for this - I might try to develop some similar tactic.

I'm not sure if I have had a relationship where it doersn't happen to a greater or lesser extent. As far back as I can remember I have spent a lot of time trying to work out how I was supposed to behave, or to be. I was "helped" by the fact that I had almost no people my own age around until I was six.

My niece is probably the one person I don't really feel I need to perform around. And performing means different things around different people, of course. But I can't ever be spontaneous. Maybe that's why the written medium suits me.

This ties in with monalisa's question about why I need to do it, too. I have tried to think about it - not only since posting this, but for a long time - and I'm not sure I know, exactly. Of course these things are never simple and straightforward, there is not only one factor at play. Needs are dangerous, and I am not supposed to have any... but of course I do. I'm scared stiff of T throwing me out, for one thing. There are echoes of the fear I lived in as a child, of my dad's temper - which was probably not that scary, really. He seldom hit me. I was just so fearful of being the one who caused the long silences.

And yes, it's about identity as well - specifically, that I don't really have one. If I don't perform, then I'm nothing.

That's awesome. I'm glad to hear you've reached that point with your T. I wish I could just recall all those times when T hasn't recoiled - because he never has, and even though I know that's because he is a professional, still it means that it is unlikely to happen.

But then again, even when I'm honest I weigh every word and am always wondering how to act, what body language to display, where to look... I'm not sure I am even capable of being fully honest.

That sounds kind of rough, to feel that expectation from your T. Have you raised it with her?

Yeah, I can recognise this. At a very early stage of my therapy, my T commented on how frequently I apologised to him. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, that you wear yourself down like that.

I guess the homework is supposed to be for the client's benefit, and if you don't do it, it shouldn't be a problem for the therapist... but yes, if I had homework it would be a constant source of worry to me. That is one reason why CBT would not work for me (there are others, but that's a different thread, I think.)

Only insofar as I can remember always trying to be the children in the books I read, since they were obviously better than me, and their behaviour was what was expected - that is, it's what I thought was expected. I was a weird kid, I think, and I know I am a weird adult. There are so many things about normal life I just don't know, and I have no way of finding out other than through books, which usually lie.

Sorry, that was a digression. I honestly don't know why I ended up being like this. And I recognise the feeling of "he would not be able to stand me if I didn't perform". Maybe that's what's at the bottom of it, really.

Yes, T knows, at least to some extent. It's just extremely hard to talk about it, because it involves him. I have no experience at all of talking about a relationship with the other person in that relationship - it doesn't happen in real life. I don't know how much he actually knows, or whether he can tell when I'm doing it more (I guess I'm almost always doing it to some degree.)

I'm scared stiff of T throwing me out, for one thing. There are echoes of the fear I lived in as a child, of my dad's temper - which was probably not that scary, really. He seldom hit me. I was just so fearful of being the one who caused the long silences.

And yes, it's about identity as well - specifically, that I don't really have one. If I don't perform, then I'm nothing.

You're not nothing. Nor flawed. But maybe who you are--or were meant to be--you were never allowed or encouraged to discover. Therapy could be a safe space to explore this in real time with your T.

I understand well the terror of the long silence. It's like a virtual shunning. That was my mother's way: either exploding or silence, nothing in between possible. It can only leave a child assuming the responsibility for the relationship, and since we can't change others, we try and try to change ourselves. But it was never our responsibility. There was nothing wrong with us to change. The difficulty comes in believing that in our bones.

Thank you. I actually tried to talk a bit about this whole performance thing with T today. It was a good session, after a slightly crappy start where I basically just babbled a lot and he didn't respond in any way, for the first ten minutes or so. I didn't g t very far in the performance discussion, but it was a start. Towards the end of the session I even managed to ask the thing I've been wondering about for a long time: does T ever react emotionally in any way to what I say? I'm no good at reading other people and T is a master of not showing much emotion, and I've been assuming that things I say don't really affect him. And I felt horribly presumptious when I asked. I mean, who am I to think that a T who has been meeting people for over 30 years can be affected by anything I say? But it turns out that he is, sometimes. That was rather powerful for me.

Yeah, and the change takes time.

Well done, Mast. That sounds like a good session in all. My T has also been practicing for over 30 years and shows absolutely no emotion - I would love to ask her the same question but I bet she wouldn't answer as she would ask me what good would it do for me to know. I hate that she always turns everything around. Your T sounds great. And tim a powerful thing to know that what we tell them has an effect. Thanks Mast. Food for thought.
Mine still hasn't replied so I am pretty anti mine at present - as you may pick up!

This is great to hear, Mastodon. I'd be interested in what he said if you feel like disclosing more.

I think it's always ok to ask. It's up to the other person if they want to answer/share. But asking is not the same as demanding--it's only a question. You ask because you are interested in the other person, or for other reasons; perhaps you are in a vulnerable position as a psychotherapy client, and it makes more sense to ask than it does to not ask.

Me too. If I didn't like him so much, I wouldn't care. But I want him to like me and enjoy spending time with me.

Is it him, or is it transference? My previous t used to ask me why i was always trying to make him laugh. I was like, im not trying, i dont have to TRY, hey i just be funny. But i think it started at home. Trying to fit in, get them to like me. I was telling current t last week that i think my voice on pc has changed - it used to be perkier? Now i feel more like myself. Worrying less about people liking me.

There's a transference aspect, but it's more than that. My pattern is with those in a position to offer protection and/or those who have power over me--usually authority figures. Bosses, cops, teachers, and sometimes medical doctors. After childhood, I've gotten protection and nurturing throughout my life, but it's gotten more difficult as I get older.

I think it's linked to trauma somehow, but with all the repression I do (my primary defense) I'm not sure exactly how it works. My parents ignored me no matter what I did, so it's not like I have a pattern of 'performing' to get love. As for anyone else, I don't care about what they think that much.

Hope you like your new voice, if that's a good thing.

Mastodon -

Just came across this and thought of you. It's very brief, but maybe it could give you some additional insight into the work you are doing?

Source: Raised By A Narcissist | Childhood Emotional Neglect

Good post skies.

It's really interesting how narcissism manifests. The popular view seems to be almost a caricature of a flamboyant center of attention type. But I think more common is a silent type of narcissist that doesn't appear to be controlling, but more stealthily is extremely demanding and harsh. It really does seem to be determined by the effect of co-opting the child's independent identity.