Therapist has given me an ultimatum

She doesn't have her act together and has lost sight of her relationship to you and to your therapy. Her carelessness with boundaries has suggested this all along, but this statement which essentially tries to hold you hostage in order to prop up her self-concept as a professional is simply way, way, way too far off the mark and into dangerous territory.

Your relationship to her isn't the problem; her relationship to you is the problem. She needs you: that is never a safe and effective basis for therapy. And because that need comes from a dysfunctional place, it is harmful, not nurturing to you.

I think the decision has been made for you: value yourself enough to walk away and get a new T.

Thank you all so much. My head just isn't clear enough at the moment.

There's a sliver of me that really thinks, you have got to be kidding me, all she said is making alarm bells ring and I should quit.

But then the problem in my relationships is, well, me. So it stands to reason she could be right.

I think her intention with the 'most committed therapist' comment was a stupidly worded attempt to show how committed she is/ was. It cut me to the quick and scared me, yes, but I don't think she was trying to be emotionally manipulative as she seemed so chilly and quick to get me gone. And mentioned seeing this other person.

I said I needed to ask some questions to make the decision, and asked them, and then suddenly it felt like she was being much warmer again.

When I have the energy to be active and engage and come up with things, she is loving. When I'm in a **** place and can let her see it a bit, she is gentle and comforting. But when I'm outwardly ok but distant and not really ok, and doubting everything, I feel like she gets really hostile, and then it gets really upsetting.

She definitely doesn't need me. She could not have been clearer about that, in terms of how carelessly she could terminate me in that call last night! I asked about a closure session at that point because I was reeling at the suddenness, and she said sure we could have one but she didn't think it would be good, she wasn't going to go back and forth like this in a closure session the way we were now about whether I should quit or not.

How does the statement hold me hostage? Maybe I have misrepresented her by paraphrasing her words as 'you will probably never find a therapist as committed'. We were talking and her exact words were-

"it has come to the stage where - I am very committed to you - I doubt you will find a more committed therapist to be honest - except possibly X, which is why I suggested her when you asked before - I have a 7 week waiting list, and won't risk a 20 year career"

Does that make it different or put a different slant on things? I am very sorry if it does and I have misrepresented her. I feel like I am going mad.

So what does this mean? To you, or about you, or for you?

I don't think it changes much. I'm not talking about practical or financial need, but emotional need. I think she's too invested for the wrong reasons. It's tricky because I think she's right about the idea that if you go to sessions and hide and pretend, she ought to confront you. But honestly, I can't be certain from your posts because you seem to present her in a way that is clearly dysfunctional, and then as it's discussed, you revise and defend her. It's difficult to get a clear picture of the interactions. It may be the "normal" push-pull of therapy with your issues; or it may be that she isn't competent. I do think she's made some serious mistakes along the way that have nothing to do with you. The question really is, is she competent enough to help you? Forget focusing on her motivations and your personal feelings for her: does your work with her show benefits in your life outside of therapy?

ETA: I guess it also worries me that she relates to you so differently depending upon how you present. The good spin on this is that she is responsive and attuned. The bad spin is that it seems at the expense of her being consistent, and that can replicate patterns from past relationships.

IG, i don't know what your relationship history is, but one thing i do see in your T relationship is you blaming yourself excessively when things go wrong that do not seem to be your fault at all. i'm guessing you are doing that in your other relationships as well. the only thing you may be doing wrong is picking unhealthy people. sometimes we tell ourselves everything is our fault because it gives us a sense of control. it's scary to accept that we are not in control sometimes and can be vulnerable to being hurt by unpredictable people.

please take gentle care of yourself.

i don't see it changing things, and i think you are not seeing how she is emotionally manipulating you. the "7 week waiting list" and "risking a 20 year career" is just complete emotional guilt tripping.

this doesn't mean your T is a horrible person but rather that she is flawed. it does sound like she has helped you a fair amount in the past so you can take those good things from this T experience. it hasn't been a total bust. as we say in Program: take what you like and leave the rest.

I think I do the bit in bold because - after I write my initial experience of the exchange, because I care deeply for her I try to go back and look at it from her perspective. And then I see all the places it could be my fault.

Outside of therapy, I am outwardly far more successful in terms of achieving stuff I want to achieve. I also feel I have the ability to achieve a lot more. I have got all this from my therapy.

However I am extremely symptomatic again in terms of wanting to hurt myself. I can't seem to figure out a way to get off this loop.

Well, my relationship history isn't great but isn't terrible. I have had two abusive people from my childhood, which I know wasn't my fault, and a stupid ex boyfriend who was horrible - probably a fair mix of him being a **** and my insecure attachment.

I have friends, who I don't lean on when things get bad because I simply can't be vulnerable. I do withdraw from them at times, when I have nothing good to offer them, but when stuff goes wrong for them I support them steadfastly and am a good friend, and we do have fun at times. I have lost one close friend in a bitter row last year, which again was a mix of my attachment stuff and her being in an episode.

I do feel emotionally a bit guilt tripped.

She kept saying I'm trying to control the therapy, trying to be the therapist myself and making her redundant. I don't even know how I am doing that.

Wow that sounds actually abusive. "No one will ever love you as much as I do" type emotional abuse that would get thrown around in a bad relationship or something. It's also totally not true. Most people on here have nicer and sweeter T's than someone who threatens to terminate because you have a problem. She sounds not equipped to treat what you need.

I hope she's not referring to herself as sweet and patient. She seems to have neither of those traits. I vote fire her and find someone better.

after I write my initial experience of the exchange, because I care deeply for her I try to go back and look at it from her perspective. And then I see all the places it could be my fault.

You need to be sharing your initial experiences with her in session, not the sanitized "your interpretation from her perspective stuff. " I wonder if you keep trying to protect her (and maybe yourself) from your deep reactions, and occasionally you "slip" and so your reactions come out in an uncontrolled "acting out" way. So you're bouncing between over control (and that produces inauthenticity) and under control (which produces acting out). That might very well make her role redundant and leave you very frustrated and feeling self-destructive because emotionally you're not experiencing being seen during sessions.

The emotional gains of therapy come from the internal experience of repeatedly being seen in the moment. It's visceral.

I don't know if she can sustain that sort of interaction because I don't know if there's been the opportunity.

No, she was referring to a colleague who apparently is one of the rare people who would be able to stick me.

She may not be equipped or she could just have run out of patience.

As I didn't respond to her ultimatum, for all I know I am in fact terminated anyway. It is very hard to tell because this morning I had a text in response to the last one I sent last night saying that of course she still loves me. And then after that another text about the fee from yesterday. Still no mention.

She didn't say if she has terminated me or not. How do I even ask???

Do I just assume it's over, as I didn't comply and commit?

A T should be, more than anything else, consistent. She has way too many feelings involved, is way too careless, and is way too inconsistent. You will be way better finding a new T. And honestly? You don't need one "as committed" as her. She's overcommitted. It's very unhealthy. You NEED one less committed.

I've never read any of this to mean you're terminated. She wants you to decide to commit. If you can't do that right now, then the future is open: yep, you know where I am. This is an invitation to return. I read it as completely up to you.

Well, I read it to mean possible termination based on the therapist stating she had a seven-week waiting list and IG had until end of day to decide.

Mixed message at best.

That is the most profoundly frightening thing in the world to me.

I feel (and I know this is not necessarily true forever, but right now it is) as though I can hardly ever share my immediate experiences, as they happen in the moment, with her. Or anyone.

How do I become someone who can do that??? Until I can, ALL therapy will go like this in the end no matter who it's with.

What if I can never do it, with a therapist or anyone else, for the rest of my life

Hold up, IG. This therapist has botched it so many times, she's made this a lot harder than it would normally be!

Don't forget you were doing much more intimate work with her before she completely rearranged your relationship! Perfect, no, I'm sure not: but I definitely remember you as being much more vulnerable and open with her than you are now based on what you wrote in past threads, correct me if I'm wrong.

I was supposed to say a definite yes or no by the end of yesterday about whether I was continuing or giving up my slot.

I didn't say either way because I genuinely did not feel able to make the decision. Now, I'm not sure if I have been terminated (for now) by default.

If I have, and I wanted to, I guess I could go to the end of the waiting list and pick it back up two months down the line, because she has always said the door will be open, there won't be a total end.

I am confused and don't know if the slot is gone or not. Reluctant about contacting to ask.

If I were there, I'd take you out for an overpriced coffee that took two sentences to order and we'd have a massive *****-fest about how confusing this all is. Then maybe see a blockbuster or do something to forget about it all for a couple hours!! Sometimes life is suspiciously like a rat maze and one has to wonder why the cheese is tied to the shock wire!

I really was, yes. It was the most vulnerable and open I have ever been in my whole life - and it made her recoil and totally change how she was towards me.

There MUST be something vile in me that provokes this reaction. There simply must.

What about trying out different therapists?

Honestly, if you told my T the things you have told us about your T, her response would be this:

This gave me a genuine laugh Thank you!!!

As Leah said, your T has made this more difficult by not upholding a secure and consistent frame for the therapy. This is why I keep coming back to not knowing if she is capable of this. I wouldn't be at all surprised that part of her over-investment that she characterizes as commitment, is really her sense that she's gone astray and it's coming out as pressure on you to "get right" so as to correct her mistakes. But vulnerability demands safety, and you don't deeply feel that right now. It's an unconscious process.

Stop that, please!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't reinforce that thinking just because she is a wishy washy therapist. She has a pattern of issues that have played out for months. Neither is she an axe-murderer, so I see how it's confusing, but you didn't make her do anything! You didn't make her recoil or change- she blew it, then her organization, it sounds like, told her to fix it (tightening up boundaries) and you were caught in the middle.

Wait a minute--when was this? Was this period in which you felt more vulnerable and open when she abandoned most boundaries, was texting with you for hours, ultimately offering you a job? Or are you referring to a different time?