Therapist has given me an ultimatum

I know I am being beyond unreasonable, because some of this is my own fault for being an annoying little ****, but I'm just stinging and my head is gone. My skin feels literally like I have been slapped, my heart is racing.

I couldn't go to my session today. Had it on the phone instead. I went in trying to be honest saying it's not working and I don't know what to do, that I feel worse after therapy, and I'm not committed enough to my own life. Therapist pretty much seizes on this, fair enough, it's true so she has the right to. It has got to the stage where she has a contract and a wait list and she won't risk a 20 year career on my ambiguity as she has a contract and the manager could sue her or something.

Totally fair of course. I said I doubted I could commit and she said well then you can't do it right now. So I said I guess this is it all done and she was like yep, you know where I am. At this point it felt surreal I couldn't imagine that was it all gone. And I told her I was afraid of the wrong decision.

The upshot is I have to decide by the end of today if I am committed enough. I shut down. I can't say anything at all to her. I did manage to ask had I managed to just finally make her annoyed and she said no. She texted after and said she wasn't.

Why am I like this. I'm pretty sure she has handled this a bit wrong but ultimately why have I managed to alienate another person who was trying to help

I know you have been going through a rough patch, I would not give up on therapy.

I don't want to give up, but I don't think I can do what she wants. So that would mean I need to quit.

Oh wow. I'm sorry Indesctructable Girl, this sounds like an awful place to be, and I do wonder if your T handled it badly.

I am so not an expert on therapy, at all. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work too.

One thing that has been interesting though... I went in after session 3 or so, and told my T that I was feeling stressed and sick and not sleeping, and that I think it had to do with therapy. He immediately said, "Oh! OK, it sounds like you're not feeling safe here yet... so we can slow down!".

I couldn't have identified that myself, but I think he was right. Slowing down didn't fix everything, but it did reduce alot of the awful feelings about therapy I was having. Quite a bit.

I think that if he, instead, said - "well, you're not committed enough, you need to either jump in full force, or quit until you can commit" - that would not have helped at all. It would have made me feel LESS safe, more pushed, more stressed, and probably made therapy that much harder.

I don't know if it's the same thing for you, but when I read what you wrote, it just LEAPT out at me - ultimatums are like threats, like saying, "you are not doing enough, you must do more or get out" - which would make me (maybe most people?) feel threatened and hurt and unsafe, and not be helpful.

Also... I didn't quite understand why you mentioned her risking her career over you? I've had a LOT of Ts that did not in anyway help me, none have ever suffered any kind of career repercussions for this...

I don't know - it seems like if you feel worse after therapy, maybe she's not the right therapist for you. Can you pinpoint what makes you feel worse afterwards instead of better? I'm sorry if I've read previous posts of yours and I'm just not remembering. Is she bringing out feelings of neediness? If my conversations extended beyond the room, I would feel more needy.

What's the deal with her possibly being sued?

Yes I felt EXTREMELY threatened. She keeps saying I don't do my fair share, and I asked what that is, and it would be doing things that would make a difference to my situation. She keeps going on about taking responsibility. I literally was so confused and asked what this meant.

She said when I told her at the end of the session how bad I was feeling (self harming bad) it wasn't taking responsibility and I should have come in and talked about that and not about work stress etc. At the time I felt like I couldn't.

I have no idea how she could be sued. I think possibly if I faff and don't come for sessions and the manager thinks somebody else should have that time. Apparently she loves me but won't risk her 20 year career and I come first, if I want the slot its there. Wtf I'm not asking her to risk her career.

Argh... I'm sorry, I'm feeling frustrated for you. This is one of those things I can't wrap my head around. It seems like therapists should be smart enough to understand that if you're not doing what they expect, there's likely a reason... like either you don't understand what they expect, you're not feeling safe enough, you don't quite have the skills/resources yet - and they should HELP you with those things.

Again, I'm so sorry your therapist is putting you in this rotten position. I know there are good therapists out there, but I'm feeling a bit down on therapy, since reading the thread about "bad therapists" and then looking at my notes from my old therapists. (I had one T who got upset when I finally told him something and say, "why didn't you tell me that earlier?" - err... because every time I tried to tell you something, you got upset at me! Doesn't exactly make me feel like sharing!)

Good luck... I hope you can work through this with her, or find someone better!

IndestructibleGirl: coming from someone who's been terminated with for "not doing my share" it was real cold slap in the face to wake up and do the work...whatever that is.

I'm not saying it makes it easier to accept but I would say if you're gonna give it another go be sure you're at least 100% committed.

Sometimes a new person with new energy for your case is the perfect thing. I know it was for me.

I hope you find the right decision for you.

I would take this as a good opportunity to find someone whom was less difficult and blaming than this therapist sounds

(((Girl))) I think what she's talking about is that if you are not committed to staying alive and healthy (so not still considering SH as an option), then you put her in a risky position. The T can be liable in a situation like this. Taking responsibility and doing your fair share I think means being honest about whatever you're feeling, committed to talking about it in session (no doorknob bombs about SH), and not acting out your feelings.

The flip side is that she doesn't seem to fully appreciate how her mistakes in not creating a secure therapy frame have left you feeling somehow unsafe and that has fed the problems.

I don't know if she can see her part in this or not. Her response leaves me thinking she fundamentally believes that you just aren't willing to be ready enough to do the work. I think you thrived during the supportive part of the therapy, but the issues began when therapy evolved into doing the difficult work. Her frame worked for the support, but wasn't a foundation for the next phase of therapy.

I haven't liked a lot of what your T has said and done. And this is no different. Please take the chance to try out other T's and find one who isn't so abrasive and upsetting.

How long have you been with her? I agree with delusionsdaily. Plus i really wish i had quit my first longterm t a lot sooner than i did. Staying with her was really just acting out. It was a demonstration of my inability to let go. We really were not a good match, but because of my upbringing, i had no idea of what a good match could be. Your saying that you think she handles some things badly - i feel like that shouldnt even be a consideration. She could be doing this upside down and backwards. She is not part of your equation.

I think she is haphazard and careless with you; I don't believe she thinks before she speaks and/or acts sometimes (which is dangerous in a T). Both emails you have posted about recently are clear examples of that.
I think it was very brave of you to tell her that it wasn't working; I am not sure how this became about a lack of commitment from you. And although I understand her concern about SH, I don't see how such an ultimatum is helpful.
I don't think she is the kind of T you need in order to be able to do the kind of therapy she is asking you to commit to. I think you can find a T much better suited to help you!

gosh IG, i'm sorry. does your T know how bad off you were just that other weekend? being suicidally depressed doesn't leave much energy for doing more than trying to stay alive and doing the very basics of life. i guess some Ts take a very hard line when clients are sui or self-harm, but i don't know how helpful that really is for some clients. i thought your idea of coming up with a safety plan was a great idea and it seems a lot more realistic. take care whatever you decide.

I'm hesitant.

She told me on the call I will probably never get a therapist as committed as her except one person she mentioned who is very sweet and patient.

Genuinely dont know how I feel. She says she loves me but I feel she doesnt like me at all, that shes keen to get rid.

It just proves everyone who dislikes me is right. If you get to know me enough you will dislike me eventually too.

I hope I dont wake up in the morning.

I am sorry you have been feeling so bad lately. You say you informed her that you are not sure you can commit. You need to be able to commit in order for you to make true progress. How do you think your therapist should have reacted?

This reminds me of the quote by Henry Ford. "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." You have to believe you are strong enough for therapy or it won't work.

She is horrible. I want to punch her in the face for that comment.

Hm. I don't know your T... but her saying you will "probably never get a therapist as committed as her..." would raise HUGE red flags for me. It sounds like something an abuser would say to keep you close. I'm sorry, I'm afraid it sounds harsh - and like I said, I don't know your T and wasn't there. It just would make me seriously think about finding someone else... anyone else.

(((hugs))) It's not true, and I don't believe that *you* are driving people away. Not at all. Certainly not Ts. Ts get PAID to deal with all of our crazy, awful, worst stuff. If they can't handle it, they are in the wrong profession. It's just unfortunate that there are SO many bad Ts out there.

Please be gentle with yourself, and take care of yourself tonight. Please? You deserve so much better than this T... seriously.

Yeah its kind of abusive, isnt it? "No one will ever love you like i do."

Eta - oops jinx you owe me a coke.

That is an extremely manipulative comment to make. It sounds like she is trying to make you feel completely dependent on her, despite the ultimatum. This kind of behavior in completely unacceptable in a therapist!

Please try and see that her comment has nothing to do with you as a person...her statement simply isn't true.

To me, this is a huge screaming red flag. Beware the therapist who thinks so highly of themselves that only THEY can "save" you.

I'm calling BS on this. Don't give up on therapy, but maybe it is time for a new T. Who needs a martyr for a T. bleh.

She is like a spurned ex. Run away!

Red flag for sure!! RUN AWAY from this t.

When she sent you that alarm email the other day about the terrorist attack, I thought that was ridiculously out of hand. She should have known better! That was a horrible thing to do. Horribly irresponsible. That would have probably been a deal breaker for me... she doens't have any common sense. NONE.

Telling you'll never have a better T? That's... abusive. You do realize that's the kind of thing abusers tell their victims, right?

GET AWAY from her as quickly as possible. This isn't you, it's her.

wow, what your T said is not only total rubbish as you brits would say but emotionally manipulative to boot. i'd boot her right out of your life. you are not the problem here, IG!!!