Therapist has given me an ultimatum

(((((((((((((((((((IndestructibleGirl))))))))))))))))))))))
The last thing you are is weak.

If I could only afford one hour a week, I would make that work, saving up for longer sessions in the future if I thought I might like to try those. I'd revise my goals so they were very specific and could be worked on in one hour a week.

I don't think the amount of time is what therapy is about. If you liked 2 hours a week but cannot afford it, trying to micro-adjust (2 hours this week but only 1 hour and a phone call plus 2 emails next week, etc.) does get me thinking of Hankster's argument that it sounds a bit controlling. Think if you were your therapist/the clinic and had to keep track of that? They cannot readily find another 1/2/1/2 person that will fit/match your 2/1/2/1? So, they have to block out 2/2/2/2 which means they lose 2 hours they don't get paid for. And how do they charge for a "touch base" appointment? I think your T told you about her wait list to show you she does not have the "extra" time sitting there that can be unscheduled.

Fine, I accept that you and no doubt a billion other people think I'm trying to be controlling. If I am it is totally unconscious, believe me. I have no interest in controlling my therapist or the whole bloody clinic.

What I thought I was doing was asking for what I need in a frank way, which my therapist has been encouraging me to do for the entire bloody year we've worked together. I will remind you that she said YES at the time. And we talked through it back and forth via text to find suitable timings that she said worked. So even if now with reflection she can't make it work and thinks I'm a controlling little cow, it was obviously not such a cheeky request as to get her back up at the time.

This was all a few days ago. I actually think it was unprofessional of her to agree to it without checking it out beforehand. Hey ho

IG, you may have to just pull the bandaid off first, leave, and find T who is professional and good at her job.

HazelGirl, I know there is great wisdom in what you say, I do. I really do. But I feel like I can't leave her. I'm so alone already I can't cut off the one person who has given me huge amounts of kindness, as well as all the chaos. I'm so alone I feel I'm going mad. My mother is dead, my therapist is not and where there's life there's hope.

I understand. I really, really do.

But you're not alone. You have all of us. And you have the hope of a better T who can better provide and help you, and who can get you to a place where you're even less alone than with your current T.

I wonder if folks not used to regular two hour sessions might not appreciate the huge difference in how they feel.

To me, the request for fortnightly two-hour sessions is completely understandable, not as a distraction, not as an attempt at control, but because, as the OP said, one hour doesn't seem enough. I've transitioned from two to one, and it's a huge difference, not a technicality!!!

I had to renegotiate this balance with my therapist for a few months when I made the transition and she was open and willing to trying different combinations, be flexible and give a little. That has made a very painful cutback bearable.

We're all different and not everyone is willing or able to fit into the 50 minute mold and enjoy or do well with it.

And actually, when I heard her 2/1/2/1 idea... I thought about how helpful the 1 weeks would be to the clinic for fitting in clients for extra appointments- think about how many folks here want to get squeezed in for an extra session from time to time. Or other things, who knows. But I don't blame a client for asking. Some therapists could totally do this, for others it would be impossible. My only regret is that this therapist isn't clear about which camp she's in.

I keep picking up my phone and thinking of texting to finish it but I can't. I just can't do it.

I know if I do I will be immediately suicidal. I'm sorry if that sounds completely mental. I'm sitting here in my room in London swamped in panic because there is nobody near me who cares about me, and no way of ever having somebody care for a long, long time, and the idea of cutting off this person...it's too much. I know full well what you're saying is true, that I could eventually unearth a T who would be calm and I would eventually attach and build a secure bond.

Right now, I need to feel there is someone in the same city as me that I have an ongoing connection with. I don't know why I feel like this. It makes no sense. If I was hit by a bus and dying in the ER and went to call her to say the last words I ever would say, she would not pick up her phone. So I know it is an illusion. For whatever reason, I need to hold onto that illusion right now. Yes, that does make me weak in a way, but I can't take any more stark reality, I can't do the realistic grown up brave thing and whip off the band aid.

Of course it makes perfect sense. You're human and we all want this deeply- to be cared for, to be loved. It's not all or nothing. You can choose how to proceed, and when you feel better, you might decide to see her and transition to someone else at the same time, or to find other resources as well like a support group or many other options.

It's ok. I don't think she's serving you well, and I want you to stabilize, but, it might be the way to start is let everything settle down with her if you can, get used to the difficulty of limited contact and see how you are in a month, just taking it very easy and gentle in the meantime.

I am wondering if you feel she has a 'sweet spot' like a particular topic or focus where she excels, where you two do good, comfortable work together? Mine does. Maybe you can think of a safe zone and work from there?

oh IG, is this all about the loss of your mom? have you spent much time on grieving that loss? maybe allowing all this T drama in your life is just a good way of avoiding doing that? idk, just a thought.

I feel like I have been grieving for my mother for a long time, in terms of feeling great sadness, and pain which is excruciating at times. I don't know what healthy grieving should be like. She is four years dead and it gets more difficult the more time that passes so I suspect my grief isn't all that healthy. I think the first couple of years were extremely hard but I was fresher and had more energy to deal with it, and the longer it goes on the more it saps at my strength and feels worse. The grief fatigues me.

I'm not sure my family promote healthy grieving when it comes to me. Just tonight I spoke to one of them and was trying to say how I never wanted to be without her, I thought I'd have her for a good few more years, and I can't fly solo. And the relative said well that's growing up, we all have to do it and fly solo. I can't do it. I need my mother.

You know, in a way I think that's actually what I have been doing. All the sessions that go well are ones where I steer them around work, daily stresses, etc. And they're great. As long as I'm a palatable, attractive human being then we get along famously.

Then I hit a bump in the road and get really miserable and panicked about the relationship thanks to my attachment stuff, and she tries to be sympathetic and matter of fact, I get more and more desperate, and then the therapy room goes hostile and feels about as safe as Beirut.

Could you reduce the amount of time you see your T while also finding another T to build a relationship with? That new T can help you separate from your current T.

i don't really know too much about how grief works, so i don't want to give you bad advice on this. maybe joining a bereavement group or seeing a grief counselor for a few sessions and telling them what you said above would be helpful. it sounds like possibly you haven't really accepted her loss yet, which i'm sure is a process, but like i said this isn't something i'm knowledgable on. it does sound though like this is what is behind your hesitation to leave this T.

(((IG)))
You sound a lot like I felt with my previous T. The insecure attachment is painful and it never gets any better. It'll feel okay, maybe even great, at times, but the bottom will continue to fall out of it periodically and you will spin out. I truly think your relationship with this T is making you feel even more alone than you actually are. Insecure attachment is like that - you expend all your energy clinging to the relationship and you're left with nothing for other things, like simply being alive.
I agree with HazelGirl about taking the pulling off the band-aid approach. It'll hurt, and it will hurt for a long time, but it will be nothing like as bad as it is now.

My therapist gave me the same ultimatum about 2 months ago... I felt awful... I was thinking what how dare you, I am the one that can fire you not the other way around.. she also said that she had obligations toward insurance companies etc.... I thought about it, and we moved forward...... I think what happened is she realized we were at a stand still and I was fighting her every step of the way... I personally needed to commit and step up and stop fighting and let her help me... trust her (which is so hard for me) or stop... I chose to continue and trust her.. and I am finally making progress... I don't think she is trying to hurt you I think she wants you to make progress and does not seeing you make progress....... I am now making progress and how she handled it actually helped me a lot

I actually have looked into grief studies. Because I had this intuition and ended up reconnecting with my T on the cusp of his loss, I didn't really know how to be supportive. It turns out, most of what we've accepted as "normal" about grief, isn't. The whole Kubler-Ross stages of grief isn't invalid, but the research was on those who know they are dying--not the survivors. What surprised the researchers is that not only is grief highly individual, it tends to reflect the basic psychological relationship during life. And most importantly, while it used to be assumed "normal" to accept the loss and move on, in fact, a substantial amount of people do not do this, yet are psychologically sound. The idea is that while the rational mind knows the person lost will never be alive again (so the reality is accepted), the psychological, emotional, and spiritual connection to the person can remain very present. And that people often create concrete rituals to support such a connection--and it's all perfectly healthy and functional.

Maybe what's causing you such pain is that you're fighting against your natural grief. Maybe it's not about flying solo, but renewing your connection in a way that incorporates the reality of the loss, while maintaining the connection in your life.

Sorry you are having such a rough time, IG.

A book about grief that I have found helpful is Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine. I have found I can only read small doses at a time but it does lend itself to that.

You are not an annoying little **** nor a controlling little cow (why are you always "little"? "when you are being run out of town, get in front and make it look like a parade" :-)

It is a technical thing, not a personal thing? You haven't annoyed or controlled or anything, it's all mechanical, not organic? It's about time slots and money and, yes, you should be asking for what you want but kind of in a scheduling/make it work with the money way. The part I did not get in your opening post was what you could not commit to and why you closed down?

This is all very interesting, thanks. I'm not sure if I am fighting my grief or how to stop if I am. I feel like I experience plenty of grief, always at the edges of everything I do. I have not waded right into my grief and rolled around in it for a long time, because it doesn't drag me there that way anymore.

If I'm understanding correctly, about renewing the connection in a way that incoporates the loss but still maintains the connection - does that mean for example choosing to do something that you used to do with the person? Like say you used to both do a particular type of dance, in picking dancing back up would that renew the connection? Is that what that means?

Thank you for the book recommendation, I will investigate.

Sorry, don't know what this means

I shut down on my therapist because - I was trying to express that when I feel regularly suicidal I can't commit to life in any way, therapy or otherwise. It feels like having one leg already out the door. So she said I need to jump and commit, that sounded hopelessly unrealistic to me at the time, I closed up.

Like say you used to both do a particular type of dance, in picking dancing back up would that renew the connection? Is that what that means?

I think the ritual can be anything that's meaningful for you and leaves you feeling connected and fulfilled. It can also involve possessions of the person, places, activities, etc. It isn't about delusion--the reality of the loss is recognized and accepted--but rather making space for the emotional connection in a living way. When you say your grief is always there around the edges of things, that sounds distressing to me. It doesn't sound as though it gives you comfort, but rather like it's the loss threatening to pull you away. Maybe welcoming that presence into your life consciously would help to combat that feeling you have of being so alone and foundation-less?

a friend of mine posted this on FB and i thought of you, IG.

Morrie Schwartz said in “Tuesday’s With Morrie”, as he bravely faced his imminent death from ALS:

"As long as we can love each other and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you have created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here. Death ends a life, not a relationship".

your mom will always live in your heart and your memories. you can honor her life and allow your love for her and her love for you to give you the courage to living life fully. i think it's what she'd want.