Eek! Madame T has written!

Good point. I would be justified in doing that, I think.

You can never know what she could say. I couldnt live peacefully if i didnt open it.
It seems you like to torture us we all want to know what she writes

I don't know, in all seriousness that could just create further feelings of attachment, because you will wonder how she will react.

I once sent a boyfriend a box of stuff that he left at my house and a lock of hair (dramatic I know...I was younger then), and his response was enormous. It was probably my way of saying that I still love you. Funny thing was he still loved me to, and I get married to him in a matter of weeks.

So while such a gesture might seem like a good idea you might just hop right back into the relationship by doing it.

If you really want to end it, you have to throw it away and not read it, and be ok with that on some level.

I'd read it. By not reading it, you are giving it power.

It seemed to me more that you were trying to open the door.

It's not going to say, "I was wrong. I love you. I'll change. Please come back."

No, it certainly won't. The fact that you seem to believe it must is a big part of the problem.

WHO do you really want to hear those words from??

NOOOO way..Really..?

You´ll regret not opening that letter (IMO) this is your last chance for getting closure and you choose to act in a passive-agressive manner? Believe me, she wont care if she gets that letter sent back to her. It´s only a sign, that your still struggling with your transference ( I havn´t read your whole story, but it seems childish and she won´t feel " punished." She´s trained to deal with this stuff all the time...

First of all, you sent a letter. Why are you surprised with a response?

Secondly, you keep wanting to maintain that connection while insisting you don't. Yes, you do. You want her to fight back and/or change because you do want to maintain a connection.

Thirdly, this connection is keeping you from grieving and moving on. You need to get over her, not keep irritating that connection. It will take time to get over her, but what is all this suspense and letter-writing helping you avoid? I would guess an awful lot. She is NOT your last chance at resolving transference. I guaratee it will come up again. But you DO have to let go, not keep doing this nonsense that will get you nowhere.

I really think it would be a mistake to not open the letter. Your mind will conjure up all sorts of alternatives to what it actually says. I think not opening it allows you to stay in denial of whatever the facts of the situation are?

I've read all the replies to your post CE and I agree with the majority. You initiated contact so the letter can't be too much of a surprise to you. I think you should read it then shred it and resist temptation to contact her again. You're only punishing yourself by keeping contact open or by acting passive aggressive and sending it back. Sorry but you have to let go. It sucks.

Send it back with a note that tells her not to contact you again or throw it away. I really don't think reading it would be a good plan if the plan is to stop engaging. Reading it would just lead to thinking about what was in it and what was not in it and how it was written and whether it was cold or warm enough etc. And wanting to respond.
Or do read it and find out the response to what is written - there is information there too.

Sometimes the fight is not entirely unsatisfying to engage in.

What HazelGirl said.
Good luck! Xxxx

I think if you're genuinely in an Ok place and have really in your mind said goodbye to all this, then send the letter back to her or just bin it, unopened.

Here's an idea - if you want to read the letter, but don't want it to affect whether you want to have contact with her or not, write her a letter asking her to cease and desist all contact with you and send it.

THEN, read the letter she sent you, to satisfy your curiosity.

You're right. If I respond in any way, that just keeps the wound open.

I guess you are referring to my mother.

My letter to her last month basically said take your tainted love and stuff it. I didn't want her to reply, and indeed what possible reply can there be?

So I won't read her letter and I won't send it back and I won't destroy it and I won't throw it away. All those actions acknowledge her letter.

I shall file it and forget about it.

CE, i don't think it is possible to not acknowledge it. filing it away is also acknowledging it. personally, i would just flush it or burn it or throw it out and not read it. i would not send it back.

If you do anything but read it you will be give it power over you. It will keep bothering you. It won't let you close the Madame t chapter.

I disagree that getting rid of the letter or not reading it keeps it having power. I think throwing it away and walking away from it is taking power. It is saying you are done and do not need to know the therapists response.

Good luck with it CE whatever you choose to do.

You gotta do YOU, friend. That would make me insane, but if it works for you, then it works for you. The advantage to this plan of action is that it does not burn your bridges the way sending it back does, and it gives you the option of reading it later if you change your mind.

If you dont read it you think what is written there all the time...

Guess I'll toss my 2 cents in. Destroying it wouldn't necessarily remove its power, so I'm glad it seems you've decided not to do that. My mom wrote me an extremely hateful, hurtful letter many many years ago (shortly after she found out I was in a relationship with a woman, she could NOT handle that) and my partner at the time and I burned it. All of these years later, after a TON of work in therapy and my eventual coming to forgive my mother, even still, I can recite the letter verbatim and still feel the sting from the words. Especially the part about how she was glad that her parents were dead so they wouldn't have to know about what I was doing. Who says something like that?! But anyway. Burning it didn't make me forget. And I can't choose to look at it again to see if maybe I am remembering it as being worse than it was. I don't think that's true, but... the option isn't there because I destroyed it.

I completely understand the file and forget it option. For some people, not reading it wouldn't be an option, apparently, but I would not have wanted to open it (I would probably have destroyed it unopened, but again that would remove future options.) Good for you for doing what you feel is right for you to do.

this is what i was thinking when i said i'd burn it or throw it out if it were me. i wouldn't read it first before doing either of those things because if i were truly done with the relationship then it wouldn't matter what the other person's response was. also, reading it could potentially open up what is just starting to heal.