[Debbie07]

I've noticed she's been doing this more lately. I've been going to her 4 years now. One session she even started looking at a bottom of a shoe. Should I bring it up and if so how do I bring it up? When she does it I've been kind of pausing and waiting for her to finish cleaning her nails or looking at the shoe but I feel kind of awkward and like I'm not being listened to.

One of the multitude of reasons that I see her is because I don't stand up for myself and I keep wondering if she's testing me lol

Thanks!

[Asiablue]

Definitely bring it up. She might be testing you but if you don't like it, then this is a good lesson in stand up for yourself. Go for it.

[Ford Puma]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Definitely bring it up. She might be testing you but if you don't like it, then this is a good lesson in stand up for yourself. Go for it.

+1
Exactly my thoughts on the matter.

[Debbie07]

And how do you exactly bring it up?

Uuuhhhhh, it bugs me when you clean your nails in session?

She's great, very professional, good at what she does, which is why this is baffling to me, I would think ANYone would agree a therapist cleaning their nails during a session is not professional. It's just out of character.

Originally Posted by Debbie07

And how do you exactly bring it up?

Uuuhhhhh, it bugs me when you clean your nails in session??

Yes you could put it like that but also explain why it bugs you. "I find it invalidating" or "it feels like you're not listening".
It might be good material for the session, and as Asia said, good practice standing up for yourself.

[Asiablue]

You could wait till she's doing it and say " it bothers me when you do that, am I boring you or something?" Or you could say " I have noticed lately that you seem fidgety ie cleaning your nails etc and I wondered why you do that?

I dunno, it's not so much how you say it but that you bring it up that is important. Tell her how it makes you feel. Your T is a safe person to practice standing up for yourself with. She'll probably secretly cheer you on for doing it!

[Debbie07]

It just feels so weird to tell a therapist that it feels like I'm being ignored when she cleans her nails in session. It just feels surreal to have to mention that

[IndestructibleGirl]

What? I don't think I'm a particularly squeamish human being but I would find it very disagreeable to have to watch somebody clean their nails. It's a bit yuck imo. I'm not surprised you don't like it.

[Debbie07]

And it was just downright funny when she took off her shoe and looked at the bottom of it. I almost had to rub my eyes. And she's very competent, professional, caring, good, etc., the whole situation is just weird. I feel like I'm in one of those candid camera shows.

I went spinning out of control in a highway the other day (someone cut me off) and luckily nothing happened but she said she didn't believe me that it happened. That just seemed like a weird thing for her to say. I may not divulge all deepest darkest secrets but I don't intentionally lie.

The whole situation is just kind of amusing in a way. Imagine your therapist taking off her shoe in the middle of you talking and looking at it. All of this is fairly recent after 4 years.

[IndestructibleGirl]

She said she didn't believe you? Any chance she meant it in that incredulous way 'I don't believe ya! ' as in, 'you're kidding me!'?

If all this is recent after 4 years, it is definitely very odd

[Debbie07]

Well it was either the second of third session we were talking about it.

I was on my way to work and went to merge to get from one highway to another and all of a sudden a car was there and instinctively I jerked left and my car span once two three times almost hits the median starts spinning the other way and I end up with a stalled car facing the wrong way of the highway right in the middle of it with cars coming my way.

I flash my lights to keep cars from crashing into me and it worked and I turned off the car and back on and made it to the left shoulder (to my right) facing the wrong way still and a police man held up a lane of traffic to get me turned around.

[HazelGirl]

She's there to hear whatever you want to say, so it's not wrong to bring that up.

[IndestructibleGirl]

That sounds incredibly scary. I am so glad you were ok!! Once (because I didn't know the layout of a town, it was pitch dark, and I wasn't really paying attention as was trying to calm down my manic and upset friend) I turned the wrong way onto a motorway the shock of realizing what I'd done was mad, but we were ok because the cars were all far away and I could swing round the right direction.

So I have an idea how much that sort of thing can fry your nerves and why you might need to spend time talking about it and smoothing it off in your memory. Did you want to talk about it in session for the second or third time and THEN she suddenly came out with saying she didn't believe you? Or am I getting it wrong?

[guilloche]

Oh wow... I'm glad you're ok and nobody hit your car. That does sound scary!

And... I just wanted to say, I have the same problem of bringing things up that bother me in therapy. A few weeks ago, I had a whole list of things that I had posted here. I ended up printing it out and handing it my T. I don't actually remember saying much, just sort of being like "please read this!"

I think it was helpful... we'll see. But yeah, if you can manage to say something in the moment, that would probably be helpful. The shoe thing DOES sound bizarre... I think I'd have to ask something like, "is there a problem with your shoe?" which would hopefully make T realize what she's doing.

Good luck with it!!!!

[Petra5ed]

I would say something passive like "sorry, am I boring you today?" I'm sure there's a healthier way about it, but that's more of my style.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I would say something passive like "sorry, am I boring you today?" I'm sure there's a healthier way about it, but that's more of my style.

I double this answer.

I would simply say "I'm sorry this must be boring for you". Its the most natural way to say it and should get some kind of response. Then when she asks why you say that you can tell her. It's a conversation you could potentially have with anyone who's not giving you their full attention, so a T is a perfect person to practice with.

[junkDNA]

my T takes his flip flops off and cracks his toes on the floor.

but he is a weird guy. and it doesnt bother me.

thats odd she said she didnt believe u. idk how to feel about that

I said exactly that "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" one time when t was looking out the window while i was talking. she apologized right away and said a butterfly had caught her attention and why. then she refocused on me and i started over and all was well. If she ever gets distracted during a phone session, I haven't noticed.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I would say something passive like "sorry, am I boring you today?" I'm sure there's a healthier way about it, but that's more of my style.

This came to my mind too.

Other thoughts - "I feel like I don't have your full attention. I'll wait until you're finished with that..."

"Really???!" (especially the nail cleaning!)

[Angst_guy7]

I will chime in and offer my opinion which of course is just that and could be completely wrong. So with that disclaimer said here's what I think.
If you have issues with standing up for yourself, both the grooming and the comment about the near accident look like attempts by her for you to assert yourself with a reaction. Both are blatantly bad things for her to do and she wants to see what it will take for you to speak up. You say you have seen her for a while and she is very competent. Its very possible she is trying something new with you. Competent therapist in my opinion seek out ways of helping their clients. Be it always staying on top of the latest articles, journals and research etc. Its also possible she asked, or was informed of a similar case by another therapist ways to deal with your particular issues.

peace.

[Debbie07]

And I'm mostly over the near-accident, but she mentioned I had PTSD the first time we talked about it because I was telling her how freaked out I was the day after. Then I looked up PTSD and I went back to her the next session and said no, PTSD is a DISorder and I was just naturally freaked out, something has to last weeks to be PTSD.

Just that I think was standing up for myself so I was proud She grudgingly agreed.

Then I had another car squirmish. A guy screeched to my right on the highway then passed me and then screeched to the front of me and I beeped in protest and he BRAKES completely in the middle of the fast lane of the highway (two weeks after the first one) and I brake and almost go spinning out again "Not AGAIN!" was my first thought and there was thankfully no median so I went off the shoulder into the gravel to stop and straighten myself. So that's when she said that, I think.

What's funny is that if I think someone is trying to get a rise out of me I get calmer and calmer lol If I think someone's trying to use reverse psychology on me (and I realize it) I just find the whole situation amusing and step back and analyze the situation and if their way is clever enough admire from a distance

When we first started (she's therapist 40 or so in the 18 years, I lost count after 30) something that came up during one of the first sessions was that you did NOT need to form a close bond with the therapist and just saying that took a huge load off my shoulders (You don't??? I thought I did! Whew! Was what went through my mind) and we ended up forming the bond anyway over the years.