[JustShakey]

Why is it so hard for me to do something for me? I don't mean physical things, like go get a coffee or a new scarf or even find a few hours to spend on my hobbies. I mean like this... I think this is maybe the third or fourth thread I've started since I joined in May. It's not that I don't want to, I do, I just can't seem to work up the initiative and put the words together and then I just feel like I'm whining and people are rolling their eyes at me. That's not quite it either...

It's funny, how I see other people on here who are so similar to me, with similar histories and experiences, but instead of feeling belonging and understanding I feel like 'how dare you intrude on other people's stuff, you selfish little girl'. I often feel like an interloper on other people's threads and then I feel like I'm selfish and attention-seeking if I start my own.

It's not true. I *know* it's not true, but the belief is very ingrained in me. I feel like I can't have these things if they already belong to someone else.

I do know where it comes from - I had to put my mom's needs before my own from, well, from the time I was a baby really, judging by the stories I've been told. And in a childish way, I suppose I never learned that feelings belong to everyone. Or something. It's hard for me to explain, other than to say I feel like I can't have an experience without taking it from someone. I suppose something very fundamental is missing or misformed in me...

I don't know how I'm going to go about fixing this, when it's so hard to even try and explain.

[RedSun]

I think that you have made a very good start to understanding this feeling. I'm so sorry that you've never been able to put yourself first, or have anyone else show you your worth.
I hear that you feel like you are taking something from someone, or intruding.
But maybe you're joining in at the table? No one likes to eat alone
It's hard to value ourselves as able to stand alongside others, I know. But I think that's a great way to look at it. Not as competing for anything, but standing alongside each other.
I hope that you can explore this feeling further cos it sounds like you are well on the way to something huge, and healing.
Good luck
Xxxx

[granite1]

you can post whatever you feel you need to post . although we may all have similar issues we are all different in ways. I don't see you as selfish at all . you go out of your way to support people . `

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Red75

I think that you have made a very good start to understanding this feeling. I'm so sorry that you've never been able to put yourself first, or have anyone else show you your worth.
I hear that you feel like you are taking something from someone, or intruding.
But maybe you're joining in at the table? No one likes to eat alone
It's hard to value ourselves as able to stand alongside others, I know. But I think that's a great way to look at it. Not as competing for anything, but standing alongside each other.
I hope that you can explore this feeling further cos it sounds like you are well on the way to something huge, and healing.
Good luck
Xxxx

My T mentioned competition before, but I didn't really connect it. I feel like it's more like taking what I shouldn't have, but maybe it's partly not able to compete. Or being told that I cannot. I don't have siblings and I had to compete with my mom for my dad's attention so it was never a level playing field. Or never even a game I was allowed or supposed to play in a way. Oedipal stuff I suppose, but weird because my mom didn't act as an adult in this...
I know I struggle with balancing my kids' needs too. My daughter is stronger than my son - he can't compete with her due to his SNs. I feel like I should be the counterweight between the two of them, but with my own poor boundaries I worry that I'm not effective enough.
Joining in at the table is an excellent metaphor. It's effectively what I try to tell myself. I worry that I'll do something like stick my elbow in the gravy or spill my drink on someone I suppose everyone sticks their foot in it at some point though. I need to try and worry less about such things.

Originally Posted by granite1

you can post whatever you feel you need to post . although we may all have similar issues we are all different in ways. I don't see you as selfish at all . you go out of your way to support people . `

Thanks Granite You made me cry a little with that
I'm really going to try to work on expressing my needs here. I figure if I can do it here I might be able to take T up on his offer to call or email if I need anything.

[Aloneandafraid]

JustShakey - i relate so much to your thread. In fact I have been here for a year and I've only ever started one thread. I Feel that no-one wants to hear about me or my needs. I feel I don't deserve anyone's time, that my needs are not as great as others. I have always felt this wherever i am. It has taken me 46 years to get to see a professionL and I feel I don't deserve her time. I'm sorry - i just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I too don't have siblings. It has always been just me. I have no-one I can rely on, trust or confide in. I never have had and I don't think I ever will. I have such a small family. I'm sorry I can't be more positive - i just wanted you to know I could have written word for word what you wrote. Well done for sharing. Pleas keep posting. Xxx

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

JustShakey - i relate so much to your thread. In fact I have been here for a year and I've only ever started one thread. I Feel that no-one wants to hear about me or my needs. I feel I don't deserve anyone's time, that my needs are not as great as others. I have always felt this wherever i am. It has taken me 46 years to get to see a professionL and I feel I don't deserve her time. I'm sorry - i just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I too don't have siblings. It has always been just me. I have no-one I can rely on, trust or confide in. I never have had and I don't think I ever will. I have such a small family. I'm sorry I can't be more positive - i just wanted you to know I could have written word for word what you wrote. Well done for sharing. Pleas keep posting. Xxx

(((Alone))) I love reading your posts. I too relate so much to what you say. You're so open with your pain - your vulnerability really is beautiful. And I know how hard that is, so I know how brave you are.

Maybe we should start a thread war to get us warmed up on this starting thread thing joking! joking! But seriously, I think I want to be HazelGirl when I grow up

[granite1]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

My T mentioned competition before, but I didn't really connect it. I feel like it's more like taking what I shouldn't have, but maybe it's partly not able to compete. Or being told that I cannot. I don't have siblings and I had to compete with my mom for my dad's attention so it was never a level playing field. Or never even a game I was allowed or supposed to play in a way. Oedipal stuff I suppose, but weird because my mom didn't act as an adult in this...
I know I struggle with balancing my kids' needs too. My daughter is stronger than my son - he can't compete with her due to his SNs. I feel like I should be the counterweight between the two of them, but with my own poor boundaries I worry that I'm not effective enough.
Joining in at the table is an excellent metaphor. It's effectively what I try to tell myself. I worry that I'll do something like stick my elbow in the gravy or spill my drink on someone I suppose everyone sticks their foot in it at some point though. I need to try and worry less about such things.


Thanks Granite You made me cry a little with that
I'm really going to try to work on expressing my needs here. I figure if I can do it here I might be able to take T up on his offer to call or email if I need anything.

sounds like a good plan

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

(((Alone))) I love reading your posts. I too relate so much to what you say. You're so open with your pain - your vulnerability really is beautiful. And I know how hard that is, so I know how brave you are.

Maybe we should start a thread war to get us warmed up on this starting thread thing joking! joking! But seriously, I think I want to be HazelGirl when I grow up

Thank you JustShakey so very much; your post means so much to me.