T comes back and I get worse?? help?

Hi guys!! Can someone give me some advice??

My main T was gone for the summer and I saw a temp T for that time. I actually little by little totally stopped drinking, SH, binging and purging over the summer and I was getting thru my days a lot better. I mean I wasn't happier but I was keeping busy, getting physically healthier and had a lot to be proud of.

Well main T called me and said she is coming back to work and pretty much ever since that call, all I can think about is seeing her again. I'm getting hyper emotional again and bored and don't know what to do with myself. Cravings and urges are getting worse and ugh, it's all flooding back. I had no transference for temp T and main T, well Idk, I guess I must have some after all. She's the only person in my life who truly makes me feel like she cares.

What do you do with yourself when you literally feel like you won't be OK until you're sitting on that couch? Seeing main T is really the only thing I have to look forward to in life right now and now that it will actually be happening again nothing else is holding my attention (I know, pretty sad)

And do you think if I tell her how much more stable I was with temp T that she would want to stop treating me?? I think our bond is important for healing but I can't deny that it makes me end up wanting to be bad a lot more. :c I just get frustrated with the gap between how wonderful seeing her is vs. how miserable the rest of life is.

Sorry you're struggling.

I think it's okay to feel preoccupied about seeing your regular therapist again.

What concerns me is the return of your harmful behaviors: just based on that, have you considered staying with your current (summer) therapist? (Edit: Now that I read again though, I see you're saying the *urges* are returning, but are you able to maintain your progress and control the behaviors? I think that's an important distinction.)

Or could you see them both?

I hear that you value the bond, I really do too, but if you're actually healing and improving with your current therapist, there seems to be a lot of value there.

Thanks Leah (:

Yes I have maintained my progress but it's only been less than a week since she called and I feel like I'm slipping. I'm thinking about seeing her again all day and then I just get frustrated and want a release.

I somehow don't think I was really healing with temp T, I think I was just staying distracted more b/c I had nothing to look forward to anyway. Now it's like I don't know whether to value my real life or escapes. Seeing main T makes me feel alive again, it's just the only thing that does....

I don't know I'm struggling to like admit to myself that this state could be less healthy. I don't know what to think. I don't want to lose main T.... ugh. Tbh it's probably more about seeing her than getting help but I want to see her so much. And she did help me heal a lot before even if it was very rocky.

Isn't feeling your true feelings better than just going thru the motions? ><

Well, if you're not able to have those deep feelings without harming yourself, I think stabilizing is very very important and worthwhile.

But yes, of course it's important and worthwhile to find meaning and happiness, not just go through the motions, but they often go hand in hand... as you heal, part of that is reaching out to others, outside therapy- finding relationships and work that you value.

True, but I'm not ready to start reaching out and making connections yet. I hate it but I'm pretty low functioning and I'm tired of driving everyone crazy or faking being healthy to form shallow relationships. :c