[theinvisigoth]

I'm so overwhelmed right now. We're digging into ... stuff ... I never ever wanted to consider in my therapy sessions. We had a partial session today (therapist had an unexpected home emergency) and we're going to finish up tomorrow. I've already been thinking too much about my ex and everything he did to me lately, therapist wants to delve deeper into that and some other stuff with my mother's ex boyfriend who we lived with growing up. I don't want to think about it, I've consciously repressed it for years, barely even mentioned it to previous therapists even, but I know I have to. I've spent the last hour just staring at the floor overwhelmed with thoughts and connections and memories and.

I can't make myself eat. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to cut, I want to purge, I can't do any of those things I'm just a shell all I can do is play my music as loud as I can (not as loud as I want the neighbors are sleeping).

There's something I have to tell him tomorrow, and I don't want to, and I know what he's going to say about it. I'm going to be even worse tomorrow. I walked home from session with that feeling like I'm covered in wax, everything's going to be ok I can smile life is wonderful but also I want to shred my skin and bleed and die and scream I want to be inside out. It's going to be even worse tomorrow.

I'm going to need company tomorrow. If I can't get a friend to spend the evening with me I'm probably going to waste all my pay-as-go minutes on a hotline. This is going to be bad.

[RedSun]

Oh goth

You are being very brave. This bit sounds so hard for you, but hopefully it is the start of a life lived without fear...

I think I understand that feeling, wanting to cut, scream etc. have you got headphones so you can have your music loud? Music can be great to express feelings too. I listened to torie amos 'silent all these years' on loop when I was having similar feelings (though I know she's not everyone cup of tea! ) cos I couldn't cut as my children were at home. It did help.
Will be thinking of you x

[ThisWayOut]

That sounds really intense. I hope you can also talk to t about your worries for after session.
Headphones is a great idea, just be careful not to blow your ears out I think I'm lucky I have my car, because I turn the bass and volume way up, them drive around till I feel better... I can relate to the feeling of wanting to cut and scream. sending love your way. Come back here anytime to vent also if it helps.

(Totally love tori also)

[Leah123]

Can you and your therapist focus on distress tolerance skills too? I wouldn't want you to go through all that agony without some way to ground yourself and keep perspective a little bit, given how serious and upsetting this is to you.

Once she rips open the wound, what's the bandaid plan?

Also, I hope you're not feeling forced to talk- that it's your choice.

[theinvisigoth]

Got out and took an hour long shower. Made arrangements to talk with a friend in not too much longer time. I'm not really functioning right now.