[healed84]

I am struggling with my T relationship lately. I will just say straight out, I never imagined that I would ever be T's friend, I don't have romantic feelings for him, I don't want to be is favorite, or special client.. These things aren't my issues.. My issues really stem from the manufacturedness (I know not a word) of this relationships.

I mentioned last month here on PC.. how when T went on vacation he told me he would only be out of town for a bit, but be around town while not in the office, and if I needed I could call/text him. At, first.. I was like aww.. what a great T. Then, It came to the realization that it really is part of his stradedgy.. I am a bit more of a needy client, I struggled to keep the connection week after week and he knows that is what I need.

I told T about that realization, along with the idea that it makes no sense that the T seeks to make a connection with the client which ends when the clients "gets better." And he told me that is not a stragedy more like a treatment plan, a treatment plan that I have come to him and asked for. And that totally makes sense.. but it still bothers the hell out of me.

So, why does it bother me that my T is doing what Ts do? He is being a great T, he is trying to help me, he is seeing my needs and trying to meet them. But it all feels very fake, and I don't like fake...

[HazelGirl]

I don't think it's fake. Any more than a parent's meeting the needs of their child is fake. They "have to" do it, but a good parent will also want to do it (not talking about abusive or neglectful parents).

[PeeJay]

Healed,

I think it is bothersome because, while all relationships do eventually end, therapy is the only relationship that starts with the purpose of eventually ending it.

Not only that, the relationship is intense while it lasts because the relationship is so much the point.

On the other hand, family is forever (for many, not for me sadly) and friendships can be forever.

I think that so much of my own anxiety about therapy isn't about therapy itself, it is really anxiety about the ending. That's what I'm hearing when I read your post, but I could be off.

In other words, it's caring (not fake) to tailor treatment to you. This is showing that the T knows and understands you and what you need. It's the same as if you saw two children crying and you gave one a sandwich and gave the other a hug. That's not fake-adapting to each child, it's recognizing what each needs and providing that specific thing.

[stopdog]

I have never understood why people make the parent analogy. It makes no sense to me and I find it offensive as a concept. Therapists are not parents and the presumption they may stand in or act or whatever is patronizing and condescending.

I think they set up an artificial structure which can be useful for some people. If the structure benefits you, why not use it for what it is? It can be like a lab in my opinion.

[archipelago]

I can't answer your question because it may be due to something inside of you or in your past that is making it hard to accept what the therapist is trying to do.

The therapeutic relationship is I guess in a way "fake." I mean you arrange to pay someone who starts out as a stranger to listen to and support you, to help you, even to have an attachment of some degree.

This may not help, but my therapist once joked about the idea that therapists are "emotional *****s," but he meant it to criticize the idea that therapists are just taking money from needy people. Most really are committed to what they do and often really do have a genuine interest and even affection for people they see. It isn't fake, even if it may have things about it that keep it from being like other relationships.

But I do realize that there are doubts or frustrations or other things that come up. My therapist recently texted me and added "fondly" when signing off. Not often done. Therapists tend to avoid direct expressions of affection so they don't confuse people. At first I seemed to take it in stride as just a nice thing, but later found I was thinking about it, not as fake, almost the opposite, but something that made me wonder.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have never understood why people make the parent analogy. It makes no sense to me and I find it offensive as a concept. Therapists are not parents and the presumption they may stand in or act or whatever is patronizing and condescending.

I think they set up an artificial structure which can be useful for some people. If the structure benefits you, why not use it for what it is? It can be like a lab in my opinion.

For some, the structure benefits them by somewhat resembling a parent relationship. One thing can resemble another and not be 100% the same.

I would say that therapy is about 5% to 10% like a parent relationship for me. In other words, I would like a trusted other to talk to and run ideas by, someone who knows me, knows my story, and can listen and engage with a mind toward who I am and what is best for me.

I have spent substantial money creating a situation where there is a human being who knows my story. In other words, I've put in a lot of time and paid for many therapy hours to help this therapist know who I am. In return, the therapist has become more useful to me as a resource over time.

For her part, the therapist has been eager to help and has wanted to fulfill this role. I recently tried to fire my therapist and posted about it here. The therapist worked with me to repair the relationship and I am now thinking that it was good not to throw all of that away, precisely because I do not have good-enough parents.

Some of my closest friends use their parents in the way that I use my therapist. I do not have parents to talk to, or seek affirmation from, and so my therapist in part plays that role. Thus, I am not offended by the parent analogy.

I am under no illusions that the therapist loves me like she would her own children. I think she puts on a persona and forgets about me as soon as I leave the room.

But when I am in the room, whatever personality she turns on feels real enough that I know that it is real - even if only for that hour and even if (maybe even especially because) I am paying for precisely that.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Healed,

I think it is bothersome because, while all relationships do eventually end, therapy is the only relationship that starts with the purpose of eventually ending it.

Not only that, the relationship is intense while it lasts because the relationship is so much the point.

On the other hand, family is forever (for many, not for me sadly) and friendships can be forever.

I think that so much of my own anxiety about therapy isn't about therapy itself, it is really anxiety about the ending. That's what I'm hearing when I read your post, but I could be off.

In other words, it's caring (not fake) to tailor treatment to you. This is showing that the T knows and understands you and what you need. It's the same as if you saw two children crying and you gave one a sandwich and gave the other a hug. That's not fake-adapting to each child, it's recognizing what each needs and providing that specific thing.

Thank you, this is very insightful!