[tealBumblebee]

Just got out of session. I don't usually post details about session because I find our moments to be sacred. Today I feel sad though. We had a light-hearted session, because it's been a stressful week for me and realistically...I wouldn't have been able to handle an intense session. I've been so numb lately. T and I corresponded over email 2x this week, and normally just hearing from her brightens my week but in this case, I couldn't feel anything. The numbness is weighing heavy on me. I can't listen to music like I want to because it sounds excessively loud and can't cross the barrier I need to be able to enjoy it. But, again, this session T decided to make light and while I know it was necessary because its all I could handle...I still feel so broken. And empty. And mocked. I feel like I was just the annoying moody person that no one wants to be around; a burden to society, a burden to T. I feel like if I feel like this next session, I shouldn't even go. Whats the point of going and sitting quietly and staring and pouting? I can be sad in the comfort of my own room. I know i'm overly sensitive right now but... I feel like this session, in which we (well, she; I didn't say much) talked about all positive things, made me hate myself just a little more.

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

...I still feel so broken. And empty. And mocked. I feel like I was just the annoying moody person that no one wants to be around; a burden to society, a burden to T. I feel like if I feel like this next session, I shouldn't even go. Whats the point of going and sitting quietly and staring and pouting? I can be sad in the comfort of my own room. I know i'm overly sensitive right now but... I feel like this session, in which we (well, she; I didn't say much) talked about all positive things, made me hate myself just a little more.

I think you know what many of us are going to say about not going. Don't do it! The terrible loneliness of being left to sit in our emotional pain is probably the worst feeling in the world, but punishing yourself for how you feel by restricting yourself from one of your most important and caring resources, your therapist, really isn't going to help in the long run.

It sounds as though she clearly picked up on how emotionally fragile you were in the session, but she might have gone about supporting you the wrong way. Maybe she needed to help you voice all those feelings of sadness and despair, allowed you to vent the built up pain and anguish. Sometimes those feelings don't pour out in a huge gush; sometimes they trickle out. Sure those feelings are faulty and distorted, but you probably needed to talk about them. I know that when I'm in that place, talking about rainbows and sunshine isn't helpful. In fact, it's downright irritating and a waste of my time. It often makes me feel even more alone because what the person is saying doesn't fit with my view or perception of life at that moment. I'm not saying she should have allowed you to freely and harshly dump on yourself, but maybe you needed more space to talk about the ugliness inside rather than those darn rainbow thoughts being slathered on.

I hope you go to your next session and talk about exactly how you felt post session. It will probably lead to some great session material. Good luck!

[growlycat]

I hope that you go too!!!

I agree that some of the best sessions have been the ones I didn't want to go to.

[tealBumblebee]

Thanks Growly & for everyone who gave hugs.

Jaybird, I was going to message you instead of bumping this thread unnecessarily but your profile doesn't have that option so I must reply here. I ended up crashing a little bit and engaging in some negative coping mechanisms but sometime after that, my mood shifted and things improved. Being able to put things in a better perspective now, I appreciate the way T chose to support me because even though it felt like crap it was necessary. I was able to speak with her about it, and tell her a bit of how things have been going for me on top of that and she greatly appreciated it. Thanks for the motivation, it meant more than you'll ever realize.