[lightcatcher]

Do Ts make us angry/upset/sad on purpose?
For example- you call/email them and hope for a response, they don't respond to trigger you. This could be unconscious or on purpose. To deepen the relationship or teach you that you can be upset and still continue a relationship. Can anyone relate to this??

[A18793715]

Omg. Therapist do that? I couldn't handle that. Now I'm slightly worried to start therapy.

There was a discussion thread about aomething similar, a month or two ago. I asked my T if that is something he would do. He said that that kind of clumsy manipulation (his words, not mine) might perhaps happen with a very new therapist, but he thought it unethical.

[growlycat]

I think that early on my main T knew that silences seemed hostile to me yet he did it anyways. I'm not sure if it was to "let the feeling come out" so we could discuss it or, he was trying to get me used to the idea that silence can be caring and nurturing.

Sometimes I think T's see discomfort coming but don't stop it because it is all "grist for the mill".

However, I don't believe that a good T would do something very hurtful just to bring up an issue.

[lightcatcher]

I don't think my T does anything like this on purpose to bring out hurt. I wonder if T is super aware of my tricks, so tries different tactics to counter them. And is often very spot on. I trust T, it just interests me in how they sometimes get the unwilling of us to end up doing work.

No therapist are not there to harm you emotionally. But there are some dodgy therapist out there.

[anilam]

May as well be that some Ts do do that but a good T shouldn't purposefully manipulate their clients.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I think that early on my main T knew that silences seemed hostile to me yet he did it anyways. I'm not sure if it was to "let the feeling come out" so we could discuss it or, he was trying to get me used to the idea that silence can be caring and nurturing.

Sometimes I think T's see discomfort coming but don't stop it because it is all "grist for the mill".

However, I don't believe that a good T would do something very hurtful just to bring up an issue.

Yes, I believe this is all true (and my T also keeps quiet a lot of the time, which sometimes feels uncomfortable but on the whole is very helpful). A T should not help their clients avoid uncomfortable topics and feelings, I think. But provoking discomfort, especially when it comes to the relationship with the T (and especially especially between sessions) sounds unnecessarily cruel and manipulative.

It could be a good and necessary thing for some clients, in some situations - there are never any absolutes.

[RedSun]

My t says I don't go to therapy so she can make me feel better
But I think there is a big difference between getting a client to sit with difficult feelings in session, with t there for support, and just being crap and not responding.
My t often doesn't respond straight away to emails, cos she has a life
But she always apologises for that when she does respond.

[sweepy62]

I think my t does, but not to get me upset on purpose , just to get those pent up feelings out, she has said that.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[peaches100]

I think a t could possibly not respond right away if the client has issues with not being able to tolerate boundaries, in order for them to learn they can't always expect instant gratification. But it's not to be mean. It's to teach the client that they can tolerate the discomfort of waiting and use their coping skills. Also teaches them that even if they have to wait, t will respond when she can. They can be trusted to be there for you, but not always immediately. T's try to teach us llife skills. Like in real life, we can't always expect somebody to respond to our requests immediately. However, in an emergency, I think it is the t's responsibillity to respond promptly. That's different.

[HazelGirl]

There's a difference between causing you to feel bad, and not stopping your bad feelings that originate somewhere else.

Your T isn't going to do anything to purposefully make you feel bad. If she or he did, they would be terrible T's. They're not going to purposefully ignore you, knowing it makes you feel bad. They may have boundaries they're sticking to, but that isn't in order to make you feel bad. That's just their rules and boundaries. They're also not purposefully saying things to trigger or hurt you. Those are simply mistakes or things they don't realize will hurt you.

But your T isn't going to interrupt your bad feelings about them or someone else. They're there to help you learn to deal with them and get them out. For example, say that someone died and you feel grief. Your T isn't going to do something to interrupt that grief. In fact, her goal will be to make sure you get in touch with that grief and feel it. Another example is with childhood abuse. Often it makes your emotions go numb. Your T is going to want to get you in touch with your painful feelings from the past, not continue to allow you to run from them.

Your T won't do anything to purposely hurt you, but they also won't stop you from feelings the feelings that other parts of life, past and present, have caused.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by lightcatcher

Do Ts make us angry/upset/sad on purpose?
For example- you call/email them and hope for a response, they don't respond to trigger you. This could be unconscious or on purpose. To deepen the relationship or teach you that you can be upset and still continue a relationship. Can anyone relate to this??

No, this isn't necessary or typical in therapy. Please tell us what happened- you sent a message and didn't hear back?

I'd be curious to know- does your therapist usually reply? Was this the first message? Have you two discussed whether the therapist allows between session contact?

It is not therapeutic to hurt someone on purpose, so no, that wouldn't make sense. Of course, the way to know precisely why, the only way, would be to ask. Hopefully that will be a relief. Because I can't imagine any therapist saying what would amount to: "Yes, I ignored your message to cause you pain so you'd know you could survive it and still get to come and pay to see me."

[stopdog]

I think some of them do. I think it is not unusual for a therapist to intentionally choose to act like to clients because they believe doing so will cause the change they want the client to have or simply because they can or because they are pissed off at the client who is not submitting to them. I am not saying they will admit to this, or that it is the ideal they hold up but I do believe it happens all the time.

[unaluna]

Why do you think you call what you are doing, "your little tricks"? That sounds like someone else's accusation of you, simply for having needs. It sounds familiar to me. Yes, you will feel panicky and horrible at first, relearning this process with your t. But eventually you will become a pro at it, no tricks needed.

[JustShakey]

YES!!! They absolutely most certainly definitely do.
And I'll be posting about this later. When I can write something more coherent than miserablef-ingb^stardIHATEYOU!

[JustShakey]

All right, a little more coherent. Yes, they do it. No, it's not nice. Sometimes it's downright evil.
In my case it's to bring my anger out. I have a bad habit of letting people treat me badly. Actually, in the past I didn't even realize they were treating me badly. It was normal to me. I've dealt with it by moving to the other side of the world and withdrawing from almost everybody I know.
The trouble is though, I think everything through. I can see how I do similar thoughtless things and then I feel like it's hypocritical of me to be angry at the other person for doing something not so different from what I have done.
Now I'll stop hijacking this thread and go make my own

[healingme4me]

What's your T's policy on email? Has your T ever stated that you need to learn what you suspect they are trying to teach?

I don't personally know people in my real life, that I know attend therapy, that have any contact outside of the office. I, personally, would not expect an email. My talk therapist, I do not believe he has email available, and when he doesn't use his office phone, like when he contacted me to reschedule, it comes accross number unknown. Which, to me, seems as it should.

[lightcatcher]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

There's a difference between causing you to feel bad, and not stopping your bad feelings that originate somewhere else.

Your T isn't going to do anything to purposefully make you feel bad. If she or he did, they would be terrible T's. They're not going to purposefully ignore you, knowing it makes you feel bad. They may have boundaries they're sticking to, but that isn't in order to make you feel bad. That's just their rules and boundaries. They're also not purposefully saying things to trigger or hurt you. Those are simply mistakes or things they don't realize will hurt you.

But your T isn't going to interrupt your bad feelings about them or someone else. They're there to help you learn to deal with them and get them out. For example, say that someone died and you feel grief. Your T isn't going to do something to interrupt that grief. In fact, her goal will be to make sure you get in touch with that grief and feel it. Another example is with childhood abuse. Often it makes your emotions go numb. Your T is going to want to get you in touch with your painful feelings from the past, not continue to allow you to run from them.

Your T won't do anything to purposely hurt you, but they also won't stop you from feelings the feelings that other parts of life, past and present, have caused.

Thank you hazelgirl, I can relate very well to your post.
No I don't think T did this to make me feel bad, I just felt bad. We have talked a lot on our feelings being our feelings. If someone is mad because of us, they are in control of that feeling. If I'm upset that I didn't get a response then that's ok it's my feeling to feel and express. They key for that was to get me to express it- I don't do that at all, ever.
T never interrupts my feelings, if anything she tries, like you said to get me in touch with them otherwise I fall back to my perfected avoidance of them.

[lightcatcher]

Originally Posted by Leah123

No, this isn't necessary or typical in therapy. Please tell us what happened- you sent a message and didn't hear back?

I'd be curious to know- does your therapist usually reply? Was this the first message? Have you two discussed whether the therapist allows between session contact?

It is not therapeutic to hurt someone on purpose, so no, that wouldn't make sense. Of course, the way to know precisely why, the only way, would be to ask. Hopefully that will be a relief. Because I can't imagine any therapist saying what would amount to: "Yes, I ignored your message to cause you pain so you'd know you could survive it and still get to come and pay to see me."

Hi Leah, I did send a message asking a question, which I don't usually do. It wasn't the first message I have sent and T has not answered others before.
T is very clear about their boundaries and contact out of session, so getting replies to messages are often mean waiting.

[lightcatcher]

Originally Posted by hankster

Why do you think you call what you are doing, "your little tricks"? That sounds like someone else's accusation of you, simply for having needs. It sounds familiar to me. Yes, you will feel panicky and horrible at first, relearning this process with your t. But eventually you will become a pro at it, no tricks needed.

Thanks hankster. I never thought of that being someone else's accusation, but you could be on to something! I find needy people frustrating, and never want to be needy. So if I reword them and call them "little tricks" it's more about getting my way/ winning then being needy....... Realisation! Thank you!

[lightcatcher]

I want to clear up a little that my T did not intentionally harm me by not reply to the message I sent.

We discussed it in session and they stated their reasons, which were valid and about their own boundaries at that time. As a professional working in the field I completely understood that reasoning.

On the other hand the feelings it raised in me were triggering of my own past. T stated it wasn't only about the message but other stuff as well. My family pattern is to not talk about your anger or frustration towards and with another person, so this situation with T provided the opportunity to move outside of that family pattern. And it was hard.

My T is wonderful and very intuned with me and this is not something I am use to at all. T was also very comfortable and quick to apologise for her non reply.

I don't believe it was an intentional situation, I think it was unintentional and not used to manipulate the situation. The outcome of the situation however brought up huge opportunities for T and I to work through, and probably will continue to for a little while.

Thank you for your responses they have been enlightening! It's sad that some Ts out there intentionally harm their clients, that is never ok.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by lightcatcher

Do Ts make us angry/upset/sad on purpose?
For example- you call/email them and hope for a response, they don't respond to trigger you. This could be unconscious or on purpose. To deepen the relationship or teach you that you can be upset and still continue a relationship. Can anyone relate to this??

My T seems to purposely challenge me more when I am doing better. I think that's a positive thing though and I usually take it well.

[BadWolf]

My T cancelled an appointment early on. I was upset and she talked to me about why, etc.... she told me that she sometimes will cancel an appointment on purpose, so be able to talk about the feelings that come up.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by lightcatcher

Do Ts make us angry/upset/sad on purpose?
For example- you call/email them and hope for a response, they don't respond to trigger you. This could be unconscious or on purpose. To deepen the relationship or teach you that you can be upset and still continue a relationship. Can anyone relate to this??

I'm not sure if on purpose is the right word. I think that if it is an email, did you set boundaries upfront? For instance if I email my T, I know that anything I email her she will discuss with me at my next appt. Only once has she responded and that was a shock for me and she even stated this was not normal for her.
If she does answer, it is the weekend, maybe she is taking time with her family, away from email, enjoying some much needed rest?

If I have an urgent matter I call and make a same day appointment. My T knows I only do this in a crisis and she will find a spot for me.

Now back to your original question, yes I think they do things some times in a therapeutic matter. For instance, me and my T were hitting our 1 year mark, and she brought up the fact that maybe she and I were not the right fit and maybe I needed to see someone who was a better fit for me. Of course this brought all types of emotions of abandonment, anger, etc, up front.
But it also made me make a decision, I had been sitting on the fence. I either let her help me and finally trust her, or I needed to move on. What I came to realize is that she wasn't threatening me she was trying to help me understand that we were not making progress and maybe we were not the right fit, or maybe I was the one that was blocking the help.... August was one year of Seeing her, and we are just making progress now. If she had not done that, I don't think we would be any further than we had been before she did this.

So yes, I think they do things, to help us, that at the time may anger us, frustrate us and bring all sorts of emotions out of us.

I also believe that T's are human and sometimes just need a few hours break, a weekend with their family or just some time away from all the ways their clients/patients can reach out to them....

Just my humble thoughts....