Terrified to Mention Any of This to T (Trigger: SA)

*****Triggers*****

I have very few memories of my childhood. But I do know I was abused physically and emotionally. But the one thing that bothers me is that I have a lot of "indicators" of sexual abuse, but absolutely no memories. It really bothers and worries me a lot.

As a child, I:
- I don't ever remember learning about what sex was. I always "knew".
- I started masturbating at a very, very young age quite frequently (more than is considered "normal" for my age as a child)
- I used to "play sex" with my Ken and Barbie dolls as a child
- I accidentally found some porn as a child and it didn't surprise or bother me
- I was an incredibly difficult child to potty train because I was afraid of people and of telling people about my bodily functions
- I still feel extremely self-conscious about my body and don't like others to see me naked or changing ever, no matter who they are
- I once had a flashback (the only fully immersive flashback I've ever had) that was only a few seconds long of me being a little child and lying in bed terrified. I pulled myself out of it as soon as it started happening because I knew it was a flashback, so I have no idea what might have happened, but it still makes me wonder

What bothers me the most is that if something like that had happened, no one would ever have known because everyone in my family was so clueless. They would have had no idea. And if I buried the memory (or memories) away, I would have no idea.

And I'm not sure whether to bring it up with my T since I don't remember anything and don't know that anything actually happened. Or whether to just wait and see if anything ever comes to consciousness.

HazelGirl, it can be really scary, but please tell your therapist. Your therapist is not going to be shocked by anything, nor is she going to try to create memories where there are none. She may work with with you on your feelings around your body. If you tell her, she'll at least be aware and you will be more comfortable if more memories emerge.

I can identify with a lot of the behaviours you describe particularly knowledge of sex, very young and frequent masturbation, and 'playing' sex. I was a victim of CSA.
The flashback could well be a helpful indicator and sharing what you have posted here with T would definitely be a positive step I think.
I have had to take a step back from CSA talk as it has been too difficult so it is important you address it at your own pace and when you are ready, but remember T is qualified and there to help

I think you should bring it up. I know it's extremely hard to do, but my experience was when I broached it it almost took the pressure off. I said, I think x might have happened, but am not sure, and it was ok to not be sure. Then over six months into therapy I was able to talk about some of the more grim details and symptoms - the reasons why I had sought help to start with and thought I'd be able to start talking about straightaway but couldn't. I have had a rather mad rollercoaster through therapy but I think one reason that keeps me going to my therapist is the exquisitely gentle and kind way she responded to me talking about the weird, painful and disturbing sides of my issues around sex and abuse.

You, on the other hand, have a very solid and consistant foundation built up with your T, which is obviously a very valuable resource. I wonder if you are being drawn towards discussing possible csa now because you feel secure enough? Did you ever feel the urge to discuss it before?

I don't have any memory of CSA, though. I have always wondered because of the above signs. But don't have any reason, outside of what was listed, to even consider having been sexually abused.

Yeah, i would definitely bring it up... I think it is extremely difficult to judge (even for yourself) if you simply do not remember anything... But it happens that some people do not remember anything and maybe, if it is the case for you, during the therapy you'll recall more and more therapy, I think it's always better to know even the worst truth than not being sure (I remember everything so I cannot compare well).

I hope you will find out the truth and you'll be able to work on it with your T

PS. I had only one symptom from your list so I guess every child reacts differently and it is difficult to judge based on some symptoms... But they definitely raise a red flag...

My family member doesn't have them neither. The abuser has admitted that he molested this person too but the person was shocked and said that it's ridiculous (why would the abuser lie in such situation?). After some time in therapy the family member has realized how many symptoms of csa they have and everything falls into place; however, still there is no single memory... Thus, the fact that you don't remember, doesn't necessarily mean that nothing has happen (unfortunately)

My T says all the time that what I don't know may come up once my mind and emotions are ready for it.

Ugh. I've always wondered because of the signs, and because there are SO many of them that indicate possible CSA.

I guess I don't want to bring it up because what if it is true? I don't think either of my parents would do that. But there are others I was left alone with who might have.

No, I know you have no memories. My point was kind of that bringing it up decompresses the strain of worrying either way, even when you aren't certain 100% either way if something did happen, or not. It gets the idea out there, into the space, and ime I found that less stressful than carrying it like a ball of lead in my chest wondering if I was being ridiculous or else was I trying to minimize my uneasy instincts - the leaping between those two was crazy making.

Yeah...I don't know, though. I don't want to sound like I am making things up or on the other side, hiding things that may have happened.

I think the biggest red flag is the worry that there might have been CSA in your past. Other than the flashback, everything you mention sounds like a pretty normal variant of childhood sexual curiosity.

Lots of young kids masturbate a lot--so much so that parents often wonder if they itch or have infections because they seem to be touching their genitals constantly. It's not that commonly an indication of abuse. Sometimes it's normal and sometimes it's indicative of an underlying anxiety (like chronic picking at skin, pulling and eating hair etc.) that isn't necessarily related to sexual abuse.

Almost all kids play sex with Ken and Barbie.

Some kids are very perceptive about sex, read a lot and/or pick up cues from their environments (like TV, how adults around them behave, watching animals etc). Intuitive knowledge about sex is also common.

Difficulty potty training and embarrassment about changing in front of people make me think a child has been shamed a lot. Parental impatience and insensitivity about potty training coupled with excessively common toddler constipation can make learning to use the potty very hard. It's definitely an indication of a problem (like some degree of emotional abuse) but I wouldn't necessarily think the problem is CSA.

This is not to dismiss you at all. CSA may have been part of your past. I just don't think that what you're describing sounds extremely suspicious for it especially since it doesn't automatically make sense to you that you were sexually abused based on everything else you know about yourself.

Not to be dismissive but if it helps any, I have five of those indicators and I don't think I experienced CSA. <3

I think your list of indicators is quite specific and a lot to have thought about and remembered. I think you remember more than you wish and know something happened (or you would not have stopped the flashback, may have been curious instead). How can anything come to consciousness if you keep burying like you appear to be doing? It might but it will be very painful and disruptive, like roots taking out a sidewalk laid too close to a large tree? I would work on it with T, begin to have someone in a relationship you can have with you to talk about what does surface?

I guess that my concern is that these aren't just one or two things in isolation. It's all of them together that is concerning, or else I would agree.

That does make me feel a bit better

No, I honestly have no memory. Absolutely none.

As for having it buried, like I said, I don't remember much of my childhood at all.

My T has asked me a couple of times if 'anything' ever happened to me. I'm pretty sure it didn't but I can never be 100% either. The things you mention could just be as a result of careless parenting - like you knew about sex because your parents weren't discreet when you were little and early/frequent masturbation is a form of self soothing (I used to do this too - still do really if I'm honest...). Or something *could* have happened - it's impossible to tell. I say if it's bothering you you need to discuss it with your T regardless.

Approach with caution. I'm not trying to be dismissive.

The signs you listed can have many different explanations. You should explore them with someone you trust and who will not make any suggestions that may alter or create new memories. Memory isn't exact. It is susceptible to suggestion.

It isn't abnormal for children to explore their sexuality in young childhood. Toddlers are known to masturbate.


A therapist told me I had signs of abuse even though I had no memories of it. My apparent deafness, speech delay, irritability, potty training and bathroom issues, and social difficulties were summed up to be due to 'hidden' sexual abuse. It turned out to be very wrong. If she had looked a little harder she would have discovered other behaviors such as repetitive play that would have suggested I needed an autism assessment.

This followed and haunted me for years. I doubted everything I knew about myself and my family. It left me confused and traumatized. I wondered and wondered if it did really happen. Now I know that never ever happened to me.

Before meeting that therapist I never ever suspected a history of abuse. I was just a depressed and angry young lady who had no idea why I was severely bullied and had social difficulties. I left that hospital a lot more messed up.

I cant understand. Were you sexually abused or you dont know really?

I also was playing with barbies and kens that they have sex when I was a child and masturbate when I was 3 years old and didnt even know what Im doing. And I saw a porn too.
But I was never abused.