[RedSun]

I've been looking for a thread which I'm sure I read earlier today and cannot find it!

Trigger warning SA

So, as we are going with the 'lets assume it's true for now and I haven't made it up' approach, I feel like stuff is there for the remembering if I choose to go there...fragments and stuff. I had a moment last session where I was kind of back there (if I was there ) for a bit. Ugh. So awful and disgusting and scary. And bad feelings. But also a kind of turned on feeling, just in one area (that area )
I had read someone having a very similar experience too, and really wanted to read more. Has anyone talked to their t about it? I sort of want to, because I want to just get over this whole mess and move on. But I feel so ashamed of this feeling. Does it mean I wanted to do it? I wasn't a child, I was fourteen, maybe I initiated it? Though I was/am very scared of that person who did it.

How will it help to talk to t? Will she judge me?

Soooooooo confused! Please help.....

[ThisWayOut]

My t was not judgmental at all when we talked about it (including the physical sensations then and now).
It can be scary to talk about, but can also be a huge relief. I think (if I'm remembering correctly) your t is psy good and will be open to talking about it workout judgement.

[HazelGirl]

A child is never responsible for that type of behavior. Your shame and feelings of self-disgust are evidence that you didn't want it. Please talk to your T some more about all of that, even though it is hard and difficult to do.

[geez]

I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

I have had some experience with csa.

Our bodies can feel a certain way during the abuse because our bodies are wired to feel and respond that way. Because it feels good physically doesn't mean we asked for it. If the person who did this to you held any power over you then it was wrong (you were afraid or coerced etc...).

I hope you come to some resolution in your mind.

[RedSun]

Thanks everyone.
I just feel so ashamed, it's hard to bring up with t.
Especially as we're still not sure if it all darn happened or if I am, helpfully, making it up...

[RedSun]

Okay, have decided will talk to t on Thursday....

Just one last question...
Can someone suggest a way of phrasing it?i can't even think about it without wanting to literally die, let alone put it into words. Any ideas, words, phrases to start me off? To describe that feeling...and where....ugh.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Red75

Okay, have decided will talk to t on Thursday....

Just one last question...
Can someone suggest a way of phrasing it?i can't even think about it without wanting to literally die, let alone put it into words. Any ideas, words, phrases to start me off? To describe that feeling...and where....ugh.

Maybe start with "I feel weird when we talk about the memories." And let her take it from there.

[IndestructibleGirl]

You were 14.

Fourteen is a child. Even if you acted like you were eighteen, dressed and made up to match, and think you 'initiated' it you didn't really, because children are not able to give proper informed consent.

Fourteen year olds might flirt and pretend to be grown up, that is all perfectly normal and part of becoming aware of sexuality - but it is the responsibility of the adult you are with to recognize that for what it is and not encourage it, and certainly not exploit you.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Red75

Okay, have decided will talk to t on Thursday....

Just one last question...
Can someone suggest a way of phrasing it?i can't even think about it without wanting to literally die, let alone put it into words. Any ideas, words, phrases to start me off? To describe that feeling...and where....ugh.

Something that might help here is a phrase I read on this board ages ago and pull out in these kinds of dire situations -

"30 seconds of courage"

That's all it takes. I kind of mutter it before I have something really awkward to say and it helps with launching into the difficult sentence.

As for wording - I like Hazel Girl's suggestion of going it with it feeling weird when you talk about the feelings, and then as a stepping stone off that I would say that I have mixed feelings, and then mention the arousal mixed in with the other stuff.

[RedSun]

30 seconds of courage.
Okay.
Thank you!

Gulp.....

[RedSun]

Sorry to resurrect this thread, it's v old...
But just wanted to ask about reations.
I did manage to talk to t, and said about this horrible turned on eeling I remember (letter after e not working on my ipad!) and ughhhh, I just didnt look at her, I eel awful, disgusting. She said all the right things, ie our bodies are wired to respond that way, we ant hoose (okay, letter after b gone too!) to respond.
But....I was doing the touching, not being touhed. So it's not about pressing buttons and responding....but I didn't say it, it was hard to speak.
Also, when I got home, I was like wt*, had obviously responded sexually..without knowing...ummm, you know, bit squidgy
I am so wrong.
Yuk.

Red, I have read it has to do with evolution and biology. Women's bodies respond quickly and to a wider variety of stimuli than men's, including responding in the face of violence or sexual acts the woman finds repugnant. The theory is that the female body is trying to protect itself from injury in the face of rape. Lubrication = fewer injuries from the act of the rape.

[stopdog]

The one I see has gone on about how children's bodies respond and so forth. Generally I don't think therapists blame the minor no matter what.

[RedSun]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Red, I have read it has to do with evolution and biology. Women's bodies respond quickly and to a wider variety of stimuli than men's, including responding in the face of violence or sexual acts the woman finds repugnant. The theory is that the female body is trying to protect itself from injury in the face of rape. Lubrication = fewer injuries from the act of the rape.

Okay, makes sense I guess.
Thanks MKAC.
I just feel so...wrong. And yucky.