Unavailabilty V availability

I rememeber at one point during my session yesterday T saying I tend to repeat my childhood by hooking into unavailable people. I agreed, I know that, but I can't get the emotional side of it.

I did tell her that I am begining to see that our relationship is a working one and I think that scares me. I then want the safety of a non available relationship.

T asked me what scares me about a available relationship? I couldnt really answer except to say I feel I know how to defend myself in a unavailable one, that I have oontrol, but with me and her I dont know whats going to happen next?

The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is that I am afraid of becoming weak. I guess an available relationship is where one has emotions involved? Their heart is involved? but an unavailabe realationship is more "imaginary"? I;m not sure. Any ideas?

ok I was googling the subject...yes the relationship with T is nice but scary..its new....I don't know how to "be" in it...where else unavalable people are where I feel "Comfortable" insane but comfortable :-(

I find it strange having someone the other end of the relationship, giving..I normally play all the parts...I must be begining to see whats healthy and whats not now? I hope!

maybe it is about intimacy. when people are unavailable there is no real risk that they will become intimate with you.

I think some of it is familiarity but some of it is also trying to "fix" the original, unavailable relationship because one just can't believe it's true? It's kind of like losing something (I'm thinking contacts for eyes?) and one keep looking where they were lost to find them so you can continue on.

This is interesting so I'm gonna google it too......sounds so familiar to me except my t says I like an "easy out" wonder if we're kinda talking along the same lines.

I'd love to hear more about this mouse.

I don't like relationships where I'm not in control. I want to decide how much time I give/receive from someone, I want to decide how to define our friendships, I want to define the levels and feel free to bail out or not be responsible anytime I want. When I "tire" of someone, I disacard them easily (rude I know) I've even told my t I'll eventually "get over" her and move on.....she is struggling to understand that as she always nods and says..."interesting".....

Talulah, yuh I still don't understand it fully. I still can't believe I would pass up the chance of being in a giving relationship instead of a unavailable one. :-(

An unavailable relationship seems safer and less scary to me so I can understand mouse. Your trying to understand it is the best road to be on, and brave too..

I think I maybe having a relationship with my pc and internet..I mean I come here and other places...yeah we get to share etc etc etc..but its not really real is it?...I mean I lift the laptop open and wallah...theres people inside..get me drift?...safely at a distance...I dont really have to interect on a physical eye to eye level..its all head ain't it??...maybe I should find the courage to shut the pc for a while and see what happens????

I know for me it's a fear of being abandoned. I'm afraid that if I really let myself have a close relationship - they'll go away for some reason. Maybe when they know me they'll change their mind. I have a really sore spot about being left behind, rejected, or abandoned. Makes it really hard to risk. I'm not even sure how to get to the deep kind of relationship that I want.

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” Albert Schweitzer

OMG! this subject is really starting to effect me...I feel shame deep inside at my own emotional unavailabitliy!...down to simple examples of just sitting in an arm chair and my dog lies looking at me adoringly...wanting me to notice her!...I dont its like I'm stuck...I can only stare...thats what its like..whenever people are "alive" around me I freeze..I may be interacting with my kids then its as if a part of me notices this happening and freezes...I turn of suddenlly....its like i have this heavy weight inside of me that I can't get past!..

Remember, mouse, you can't "fix" a problem you can't see! I think it's wonderful that you can even see with the dog what's happening. You're doing good! It takes time, give yourself time. It's not shameful to not know the answer when you're just begining to learn something.

thanks ((Perna))

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WinterRose said:
I know for me it's a fear of being abandoned. I'm afraid that if I really let myself have a close relationship - they'll go away for some reason. Maybe when they know me they'll change their mind. I have a really sore spot about being left behind, rejected, or abandoned. Makes it really hard to risk. I'm not even sure how to get to the deep kind of relationship that I want.

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Wow, WinterRose, this is exactly what I was trying to say! I've always worried that when people got to know me, they'd see how boring I really am and go away. Or that no one would want to get to know me in the first place. I'm slowing getting past this but it's not easy. I'm probably going to move across the country in the next few months and while my best friend is in that area, I won't know another soul and that's daunting. It's so much easier to sit on my couch and surf than go out and talk to someone.

So my question to you all is what do you do to make this better? I never really pinned it down to chosing unavailable folks until recently. It's especially true of people I think I'm romantically interested in. They are inevitably unavailable, I think now, because that way it doesn't hurt when they reject me. But that doesn't work, so I really want to work on this too.

wow, come to think of it, I think I do both when it suits me.......depending on the relationship.